Facing Suffering with Tongs

Suffering and I are working on accepting eachother. Suffering wants me to face it when it presents itself to me and I want to ignore all suffering and act as if it never existed. I don't mind my personal suffering all that much, but I do mind when other people/living things suffer. Just seeing one of my dogs hold up their paw because she's in pain from getting a sticker caught in it sends me running from my dog, not to her, because it hurts me too much to see her in pain. Well, that's not working for me any longer and I'm ready to face suffering. Tonglen is my key.

Tonglen is what I've been using, quite frequently in fact, as a way to face suffering head on. When I first heard of tonglen, I thought of tongs (yes, the tongs used for cooking) and lend, as in lending a hand to someone. Once I found out what tonglen was, I started thinking of it as using tongs to offer my help to someone who was suffering either right next to me or from afar, where I wouldn't actually touch someone since I was using tongs. The things that my mind thinks of...

Anyway, tonglen is a method of breathing in someone's suffering (they can be right next to me or far away) and breathing out remedies for that suffering. For example, while I was walking outside, I noticed a woman on her cell phone crying. My heart hurt for her and I wanted to help, so I breathed in her pain. I thought to myself as I was breathing, I take in your pain and suffering, and then I breathed out, thinking, I replace your pain and suffering with resolution and peace. I don't know what she was crying about, but I felt that my positive thoughts would give her a little bit of positive energy to help her in her time of need.

I just finished reading When Things Falls Apart by Pema Chodron, and found out that I can use tonglen for a group of people. For example, I recently had a dear family friend pass away from cancer and I used tonglen for her entire family, even though I didn't know all of them. Death had always been a form of suffering that I tried to hide from. Instead of hiding from it this time, I breathed in thinking, I take in your pain, sadness, confusion, sorrow, and loss and I breathed out thinking, I give you peace, happiness from the memories you shared with her, and resolution. I envisioned my release of breath and thoughts going to every single one of her family members embracing them with a hug and giving them strength. Each and every thought is powerful.

In addition to using tonglen on a group of people, I also learned that I can use it for pain that I am suffering, and apply it to a group of people that may be experiencing the same thing.  For example, I have six screws and a plate in my left knee from an accident that I had last year. It started hurting me yesterday, so I breathed in thinking, I take in my pain, frustration, and sadness for myself  and for anybody else who may be experiencing the same thing, and I  breathed out thinking, I replace it all with peace, understanding, and acceptance. My pain stopped and I was more accepting of the changes that I made to my life because of my left knee.

Tonglen has helped me face other people's suffering, instead of, running away from it. I don't look the other way at suffering any longer and I don't try to think of something else so I don't have to be exposed to their suffering. I use it when I watch the news, when I drive past a homeless man on the side of the freeway off ramp (I used to actually look away from the homeless people I saw, but now I use tonglen and actually look at them - I make eye contact with them), when I talk to someone who is suffering, etc. I even use tonglen to help build my compassion for people that I struggle getting along with. There are plenty of opportunities for me to apply tonglen and I am grateful to know about it. A couple years ago, I would have thought to myself, man, on man, I wish I would have known about this sooner, but now, when I learn about new concepts/ideas, I think to myself that I am grateful that I was ready to learn about this new thing. I believe that the Universe presents me with things that I'm ready to learn when I'm ready to learn them. I was ready to learn about tonglen. I wonder what I'm going to learn about next?

Bye-Bye "Value-ing"

To me, I don't prefer "value-ing" something ("value-ing", in my head, is what I do when I put a value on something). The moment I say that I do or don't like something, I am putting a value on it (which makes my ego happy, but doesn't help me grow). For instance, as soon as I say I like something, I'm putting a high (positive) value on it, and as soon as I say I don't like something, I'm putting a low (negative) value on it. I am working on not "value-ing" things by changing my vocabulary.

It's amazing what changing my vocabulary has done for me :) I am replacing "I don't like it" with "I don't prefer it" and I am replacing  "I like it" (well, I normally say love since I'm an NF) with "I prefer it." When I use the word "prefer" instead, I am removing any "value-ing". I'm not putting a value on anything. For example, when I drive around neighborhoods, it's easy for me to say, "I don't like that house," or to think, "Yikes! What is going on there?", but that's a whole lot of "value-ing" going on and a whole lot of ego talk (she always wants the best). Although it's harder for me, since it's new to me, I say, "I don't prefer that house," or think, "Their preference is different than mine."

Tangible objects are ever changing. Things are always getting upgraded and redone. Just think about cell phones...my ego wants the newest, snaziest, up-to-datest, coolest, cell phone out there, and just when it gets it and feels satisfied, the cell phone company flashes a commercial with the new newer model...now my ego is upset and wants the new newest one. Commercials are one of the ego's best friends (unless you have what is on the commercial - then you're it's enemy:)). Commericals are an ego's tease...you know you want me, says the new car on the TV to the ego with the older car. When I put a value on an object, i.e., a cell phone, I'm saying that one is good and another is bad. But isn't that just my opinion? There may be someone else who thinks that the cell phone I said was bad, is good for them...no "value-ing" needed. I either "prefer it" or "don't prefer it". It's as simple as that (sorry ego ;).

Subconsciously, I always knew that saying I liked or didn't like something, wasn't helpful to my growth, but since it was in my subconscious, I never did anything about it. Now, it's in my conscious, and it's time to say bye-bye to "value-ing" and hello to “preference-ing”.

Holding My Hand Up High

"I once read of a man who went into kindergarten class and asked how many of the kids could sing - every hand shot up immediately. How many could dance? Same response. How many could paint? Again, all hands shot up eagerly. He went into a college classroom and asked the same questions. Did he get the same response? No. No hands went up. What happens in those years between five and eighteen to our sense of joy and possibility and personal command of the Universe? We learn to mask ourselves, our surprise and our glee, our sense of self-worth and self-loathing: Don't say you can paint, because someone else might paint better than you do and people will judge. Don't say you can sing, because you're no Johnny Cash. Don't say you can write if you're not on the New York Times best seller list," (Patti Digh - Life is a Verb).

It wasn't too long ago that I was one of those college students in Digh's story. I wouldn't have raised my hand to say that I could sing because I wasn't an American Idol star. I wouldn't have raised my hand to say that I could dance because I wasn't a So You Think You Can Dance? star. I wouldn't have raised my hand to say that I could paint because I didn't have any work on exhibit some place. I knew there were people in the Universe who could do better than me, so I would have kept my hand down low where it wouldn't be seen.

After reading Digh's book, I would now hold my hand up high. Yes, I can sing. Yes, I can dance. Yes, I can paint. Yes, Yes, Yes! As long as I have fun and believe in myself, I can do anything...really, I can! Can I hit the golf ball over the lake...yes, I can! Maybe not right away, but I'll get it and if I say the opposite (no, I can't), then I never will.

I think I would have kept my hand down when asked if I could do something, because I would have thought that someone would have judged me. I would have thought that people would think I was conceded. I would have thought that people would think I was naive.

Today, I won't keep my hand down if someone asks me if I can do something. I'll hold my hand up high. Gone are my fears of people judging my abilities. I believe in me; no mask needed.

Meditation - Little, Tiny, Baby Steps

The word "meditation" keeps popping up in my life (i.e. doctor's appointments, books, seminars, conversations, etc.), which means it's time for me to start giving it some serious attention. The Universe is clearly giving me signs to lean in and be brave with this new concept. It's time to learn another lesson.

I decided to give it a shot when I got home from work yesterday. I walked in my house, dropped off my belongings, said hello to my doggies, changed into some comfy clothes, and laid down on the living room floor. I closed my eyes and tried to remember everything the books told me to do in order to mediate. I cleared my mind (stopped thinking) and counted my sets of breaths. In and out, "One. I'm doing pretty good," I thought..."Yikes! That's a thought, I'm not supposed to be thinking. Ok. Here goes. Let's start over." In and out, "One. Yes! I did it! Wait! That's a thought. Let's try again." In and out, "One." In and out, "Two. I wonder how far I can go without thinking. Oh no! That was a thought!" In and out, "One." In and out, "Two. The air conditioning just went on. I thought I turned that off. Yikes! I'm thinking again." In and out, "One." In and out, "Two. Note to self...vacuum the floor. Wait! Notes to self are thoughts."

My first experience of meditation on my own, without guidance, lasted about 6 minutes. And as you can see, there was a lot of thinking going on. Since then, I've been reading more about meditation and I have come up with the following conclusion: there is no "right" or "wrong" way to meditate. The way I was meditating was perfect for me because I was doing the best that I knew how to do at that moment. I'm not going to feel guilty (yuck! what a negative word) about only meditating for 6 minutes...that's just where I'm at. I have decided to try meditating every other day. The books say to meditate everyday, but I'm going to start off slowly (I'm not going to feel guilty that I'm not doing it every single day). I'm going to try it for one month and see if I can increase the 6 minutes to 15 minutes. Little, tiny, baby steps.

Meditation had always been something I thought that I could only do if someone was leading me in the process. I didn't know what to think about or how to do it.  I still feel a little unclear about the whole process, but I now know that I can do it on my own. No "leader" needed...just my "self".

Lean In and Be Brave

One of my goals, as a teacher, is to provide students with tools that will help them be successful in and out of school. One of the tools that my students have been working on this school year with me (I teach them about the things that I am working on too), is the tool of leaning into things they don't feel confident in. I can think of many times throughout my life where I have avoided things because I didn't have confidence in myself. They have, of course, changed as time has gone by, but there continues to be things in my life that I am presented with where I actively get to remind myself to "lean in", as opposed to, avoid and run away. Many things can appear to be scary (i.e. asking for what you want or speaking your true intentions) and avoiding them appears to be the easiest thing to do.

Last week, one of my students learned about the true meaning of leaning into something, and she got to witness its positive results. Here is her story (I'll call her "Star"):

Star is a student I work with in reading and writing. Last week, Star, and the other fives students in her group, were working on writing sentences with their high-frequency words, which is what we always do on Monday's and Tuesday's. One of my rules for this activity is that the students must write the sentence they tell me. They begin by thinking about their high-frequency word and then tell me a sentence using the word. Next, they write the sentence they told me using the exact same words.

About a month ago, I noticed that Star was using a blends poster that I have in my classroom to find the correct spelling for words. For example, for the word "grow", she looked at the blends poster (thinking I wasn't watching her), saw a word and picture that worked for "grow" and used it in a sentence (she used the "fl" blend; flower). She only used words in the sentence that she told me that she knew how to spell. Last Monday, I removed the blends poster before Star and the rest of her group came in to our classroom. When I asked Star to give me a sentence that used the word "sharp" in it, she told me, "I have a sharp crayon." I watched her eyes and saw that she was looking at the Crayola box of crayons in front of her...that's where she found her sentence idea and correct spelling of "crayon".

I nonchalantly removed the crayon box and encouraged her to write the sentence she had just given me. When she saw me move the box, she stared up at me like a deer caught in headlights. I could just picture her thinking, "Oh no! What am I going to do now?" I reminded her of our strategy for spelling words we don't know (be brave...write the word the way you think it's spelled, write "sp" above it telling me you are being brave and writing a word that you don't know how to spell, and then we'll correct it together). She wrote, "I have a sharp pencil." She knew how to spell "pencil". I asked her if that was the sentence she told me, and she said it wasn't, but that she meant to say pencil instead of crayon.  I reminded her that we write the sentence we say. Then, I went and helped other students. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that Star erased the word "pencil" and then just sat there staring at her paper. I encouraged her to sound out the word "crayon" and to write all the letter sounds she heard. I told her to be brave. She wrote "c" and then "r", but that was it. Then, her eyes filled with tears. I looked away and let her lean into her feelings at that moment.

Star silently shed a few tears. I calmly sounded out the next letter with Star, but she had reached her frustration level and would not write anything else. I handed her a tissue, dismissed the rest of the students, and then talked to Star about how I knew she felt scared and upset because I took the crayon box away that had the word crayon on it, but I did that because I wanted her to see that she could write the word on her own. I wanted to show her that she was brave and didn't need a poster or box, or anything else for that matter, all she needed was herself to figure out how to spell the word. After I talked and she listened, I sounded out the next letter with her again. She wrote "a", but I could tell she was ready for a break. I wrote the word "crayon" on the board, and she copied it on her paper. Then, I dismissed her.

Later on in the day, she came back to me for a review class that I'm teaching this month. I thought she would be upset with me, but she walked in with a smile on her face and said hi to me. It just so happened, that we were working on writing in the review class, where she was asked to look at a picture and write a sentence to match it. As soon as Star saw the picture, she started writing a sentence, and boy, oh boy, what a sentence it was! She wrote three unfamiliar words in her sentence and had no hesitations about writing them. She even wrote "sp" above the words. When she told me she was done, I looked at the three misspelled, difficult words, and asked how she was able to write words that she didn't know how to spell, and guess what she said...."I am brave!" I told her that I was soooooooo proud of her for being brave and that she earned the "Brave" award for the day. The smile that followed on her face will be with me forever. I taught her the correct spellings for the words, and again, congratulated her for being brave.

The next day, we continued our high-frequency words sentences, and Star wrote the best sentences! There were many misspelled words, which made my heart swell! She learned how to spell many new words last week, but the thing that I’m the proudest of her for learning was how she learned to lean into something that she didn't have any confidence in and that once she did lean into it, it turned out to be okay. Isn't that how life is? Lean in...

Turning a Negative into a Positive

Lists have always been a part of my life (grocery lists, to do lists, wish lists, etc.), which may be a result of my NFJ dad (thank you daddy). I will always remember the list that he put in my soccer bag that included everything I needed for my soccer games (he put the list in a zip lock baggie for safe keeping :)). I absolutely LOVE the feeling of crossing something off one of my lists! When people suggest making lists on my cell phone, I always say that it just doesn't do it for me, there's no satisfaction of crossing off items. If you see me at the grocery store, I stop my cart after each item that I put in my cart, and cross off the item, well, I scribble it off so I can't see it any longer...what a wonderful feeling! Many months ago, I used to say that the things on my to do lists, were things that I HAD to do. "I have to do this. I have to do that. I have to get this. I have to make this." Each time I said I had to do something, or that I NEEDED to do something, I felt a little bit of resentment towards it.

Once I learned the replacement word for "have" to, it changed the way I felt about the items on my lists and about everything else that I "had" to do in my life. Want to know the word? The wonderful, beautiful, non-resentment feeling word is "GET" to!!! That's right; every single thing I do is something that I GET to do...not have to do. Talk about taking something negative and turning it into a positive (life changing :)).

When I first worked on replacing have to with get to, I tried finding things that couldn't apply. I definitely have to pay taxes, don't I? Well, I actually get to pay taxes...I have a choice. There would be consequences for not paying my taxes, but it's still MY CHOICE. And when I tied being grateful into taxes, I realized that I was grateful that I was able to pay my taxes because that meant I had a job, which I was grateful for. Get to and gratefulness, to me, go hand in hand. They’re two peas in a pod. I get to clean the house. I'm grateful that I get to clean my house because that means that I live in a house. I get to pay my bills. I'm grateful that I get to pay my bills because that means I get services (i.e. water, trash, electricity, tv) and have money to pay for them. It was a hard transition to get the word have out of my head, but it was definitely worth it. I get to go to work tomorrow...it's my choice. Sure, if I don't go, there would be consequences, but it's still my choice. I'm grateful that I adore my job and that I have a job. I could keep going :)

When I was teaching first grade and had stations, I used to label things as "Have To's" and "May Do's". Now, if I was teaching first grade, I would label things as "Get To's" and "Extra Get To's." I am blessed to get to teach 1^st- 5th grade in my new position, but I don't really have stations any longer because I am a resource teacher and only work with groups of students for a small amount of time. I am mindful of "have" to though. When a student tells me they don't want to do something, I tell them they get a few choices (i.e. work on their work, lose a star, or do their work later and lose out on a privilege). I believe in giving students’ choices and letting them make their own decisions. I am not attached to the decision they choose, although ideally, I'd like them to make the choice I want them to make (get to work right away). Every choice they make has a consequence (positive or negative).

Omitting "have" to and "need" to from my life has helped me grow more than I could have ever thought possible. I am more positive because of it and enjoy getting to do all the things in my life. I get to live and I'm so grateful for that!

Good-Bye Fluff - Hello Good Stuff

As I was organizing my office today, I noticed that all my "fluff" books that used to reside on my night stand because I couldn't live without them, had taken up a spot on my office bookshelf (they're actually collecting dust as I type). My "good stuff" books have taken their place over the last 12 months and have more than satisfied my reading desires. My "fluff" books mostly consist of Nora Roberts and Nicholas Sparks (I LOVE their books, probably because I'm an ENFJ). I used to wait for their next books to come out, so I could run over to Barnes and Noble and buy them. Heck, every Christmas and birthday list included their titles. Wow...I have changed. Reading "fluff" books helped me to escape my thousands of thoughts per day and allowed me to be a part of a fictional characters life, whose life was of no stress to me. It was a nice way to unwind from the day. Again, wow...I have changed. 

Now, I yearn for the "good stuff" books. You're probably wondering what those are, right? "Good stuff" books to me are books that help make my life better (self-improvement books). When I venture into Barnes and Noble, the Self-Improvement section seems to call, rather, scream my name. Boy, what a change, since I used to be so embarrassed to even be seen by that section, let alone to be caught looking at a book in that section (I actually would intentionally walk around it's aisles). The Self-Improvement section is near and dear to my heart. It's the section that has helped me understand who I am and continually helps me improve my Self. I am hungry for knowledge...I am no longer hungry for an escape from my thoughts. I welcome my thoughts and treat them as learning experiences. I never know where a thought will lead me...

When I was younger, I used to read a series of books that said, “reading is the key to take you where you want to be,” (I don’t know what series it was from, so I can’t reference it). That saying has been stuck in my head ever since I first heard it. I used to read “fluff” books because they took me where I wanted to be, which was anywhere that my stressful and negative thoughts weren’t. Now, when I read “good stuff” books, they take me where I want to be, which is to a place where I can grow and learn about my Self. Reading is the key to take me to a place of knowledge and growth.

These are the books that are currently on my night-stand, either currently in the process of being read or waiting to be read (if it seems like a lot, it is. I just had a birthday and guess what I asked for ;):
-The Voice of Knowledge: A Practical Guide to Inner Peace, by Don Miguel Ruiz
-When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, by Pema Chodron
-Operation Beautiful: Transforming the Way You See Yourself One Post-It Note at a Time, by Caitlin Boyle
- Life is a Verb: 37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful, and Live Intentionally, by Patti Digh
-Don't Bite the Hook: Finding Freedom from Anger, Resentment, and Other Destructive Emotions, by Pema Chodron
-You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise L. Hay
-The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, by the Dalai Lama
-My Spiritual Journey, by the Dalai Lama
-Tranquilista: Mastering the Art of Englightened Work and Mindful Play, by Kimberly Wilson

"Fluff" books, at the current moment, do not interest me...it's all about the "good stuff" books. I LOVE reading them! Now, I'm not saying that I won't ever read a "fluff" book again, I really do enjoy them, but I am saying that they aren't, and probably won't ever be again, residing on my night-stand.