I started this blog, Climbing to the Top with Lots of Sparkles, to document my personal and spiritual growth many many years ago, and to show how I incorporated what I was learning in my own life, into my classroom. It was before I became a mom to two beautiful souls. It was before I traded my professional teaching career for a home maker and entrepreneur title. It was before so many things. Over time, it transformed into an infertility blog where I documented my journey of becoming a mother. It became a form of reflection and processing the abundance of varying thoughts and emotions that I experienced throughout my IVF journey. I needed to blog - I needed to share what I was experiencing so I didn't feel so alone. The blog served it's purpose once Baby A was born. I felt fulfilled and I chose to spend the time that I used to use for blogging, on my time spent with Baby A.
As time passed and Baby A wasn't so much a baby anymore, Brad and I started to discuss the possibility of another child. It seems crazy to me, as I'm typing this now, to say "possibility of another child," when I thought for the longest time that we wouldn't have a child at all. We had been trying naturally ever since Baby A came along, but I never ended up getting pregnant. We had embryos frozen from our first egg retrieval and one of them was a boy. We talked about transferring the boy embryo for quite some time, but there never seemed to be the right time and we didn't know how to navigate a second round of IVF. Many questions arose, but the primary concern was we were worried that Baby A would feel like she wasn't enough for us if we tried to have another baby. All we ever wanted and had hoped for was her, and once we had her, we couldn't imagine wanting more children - our wishes had been fulfilled. But, we continued to talk, especially to Baby A about another baby and we ended up deciding to go through another embryo transfer.
Honestly, I didn't think the transfer would work. We had one shot at transferring our boy embryo and I thought to myself, there's no way this will work the first time around because Baby A worked the first time and what are the chances we'll have two successful IVF rounds that both worked the first time. I know that the negative thinking was not helpful, but deep down, those thoughts were a form of a shield protecting my heart from disappointment it the embryo transfer didn't take. I didn't want to get too excited or allow myself to feel too much of anything going into the transfer for fear that it wouldn't be successful. I wanted to protect Baby A from the possible disappointment, too.
This second round of IVF wasn't documented on my blog like it was for Baby A. Like I said earlier, it served it's purpose for me after Baby A was born. I definitely felt guilty for not documenting everything, but my time was spent elsewhere - mainly on the child that I had currently with me. We reached out to our original doctor, Dr. Norion, and told him of our plans. He said I'd have to stop breastfeeding Baby A before starting the round because of the hormones. That made me put the transfer on hold for a bit because I didn't know if that's what I wanted to do, but once she turned three, I decided to end our breastfeeding journey. We reached out to Dr. Norion again and we got started right away, minus the egg retrieval since we had embryo already frozen from the first egg retrieval back in 2017.
I vividly remember driving to HRC for our first appointment and getting teary eyed because all the feelings that I had experienced with Baby A came flooding back. In my opinion, the feelings of being infertile haven't left me. The thoughts don't consume my life like they had before Baby A, but they're very much there in the background. There are triggers that pop up - when I hear about people getting pregnant so quickly and easily, when I watch a movie or tv show that talks about infertility, etc. I feel healed by having Baby A, but I will never forget that part of my life, nor will I forget to think about other couples' infertility journeys. You'll never hear me ask a newly married couple, or any couple for that matter, when they're going to get pregnant. I even word things differently with Baby A - I don't say, "when you're a mommy," or, "when you get pregnant," instead, I say, "if you get pregnant," or, "if you want to become a mommy."
I wanted to repeat the same things I did to get pregnant with Baby A when we transferred our boy embryo, but I quickly realized that couldn't happen. I wasn't in the same place in my life. I couldn't dedicate my life towards getting pregnant like I had with Baby A. I gave up that unrealistic thought and focused on what I could do. I could use the same doctor. I could use the same acupuncturist. I could eat and exercise and prepare the best I could. I could use the boy embryo's score/grade to be his nickname, Baby BB.
Going into this second round of IVF, Brad and I wanted Baby A to be a part of everything we did. She couldn't go to the appointments at HRC because they don't allow children, but she was a part of everything else, this amazing three year old, from helping with my daily IVF injections by holding my hand while Brad administered them, to being there by my side the day of Baby BB's transfer. She actually got to see Baby BB be implanted in my uterus - it was such a special experience and one that I'll cherish forever. That isn't the norm, but she's definitely a unique three year old.
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| The night before the embryo transfer |
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| The day of the embryo transfer - in the transfer room right after the transfer happened |
Once we found out that the embryo had successfully implanted and that I was indeed pregnant, I remained guarded. In fact, I still didn't think it would be successful. I was prepared for the disappointment and a failed pregnancy - I hadn't really taken the time to think about what would happen if I actually did get pregnant and have another baby. I was scared. I was worried about the "loss" of the special bond that Baby A and I had. And worst of all, I felt oh so guilty about these thoughts. I felt like a terrible person for not feeling the same things that I had experienced with my pregnancy with Baby A.
For the 1st trimester, I had pretty bad morning sickness. I wasn't physically able to be the same mom I was to Baby A and that saddened me. For the 2 trimester, I found out I had a pool of blood on my placenta that could lead to an early pregnancy or a loss of the baby because of inadequate nutrition due to the pool. The thought of having another NICU experience brought on anxiety and fear. For the 3rd trimester, I got covid, which only added to the anxiety and fear. It was a wild ride, and I carried so much guilt for being anxious and fearful because I knew those were bad things that I was passing onto Baby BB. You're not supposed to stress. Baby feels everything you're feeling. Hearing those things made me feel like I was already failing my unborn child. I finally had to accept that I was doing the best I could with what was being presented to me, and to offer myself grace. The journey was unfolding perfectly even if I couldn't see it or didn't believe it.
Throughout being pregnant, Brad and I wanted to do a home birth. We had wanted to do that with Baby A, but decided on laboring at home for as long as I could and then transferring to the hospital with our doula for an unmedicated birth. Baby A ended up going to the NICU and I ended up having pretty bad postpartum for over year, so a home birth this time around sounded appealing. We also wanted Baby A to be a part of the birth and not have to leave her while I went to the hospital to deliver. She has so many thoughts and emotions - we're hardly ever apart as is and the thought of her not being with us on such a special day didn't feel right to us (I in no way judge how other people choose to birth their little ones, though). Having the placenta pool put a little hiccup in the home birth, but the specialist I saw in Irvine for the pool actually gave us his blessings for a home birth at my last 3rd trimester appointment with him. The pool didn't stop Baby BB from growing - he was always in the 90th percentile in his size throughout the entire pregnancy. The specialist was a little worried about Baby BB getting stuck because of his size, but he said he was well proportioned, so he wasn't too worried. My midwife reassured us with informing us about what they would do if he were to get stuck, so we ended up making the 100% commitment to the home birth in the 3rd trimester.
Our midwife's name is Heather. I could write a whole blog post about her. I was first introduced to her from one of our neighbors at the time I was pregnant with Baby A. My neighbor told me about a massage therapist that was wonderful for pregnant moms. I booked an appointment and found out that my massage therapist was actually working on becoming a midwife. As she massaged me on the table, she introduced me to home birth, elderberry syrup, and so so much more. She was/is definitely an important person for me to have met in this lifetime. The things she taught me aligned with my beliefs and values, I just didn't know about them until she informed me. I'm so glad she did. She's a true gift to all that meet her.
My due date was 2/2/22. I felt like he'd come early, but I wasn't sure. He ended up being born on 1/22/22 - still a bunch of 2's - 12 days early. Now, I'm ready to share the birth story...
