My Birthing Story - Part One

Our little miracle, Baby A, was born on Friday, March 9th at 10:54 a.m., a day after her actual due date. She weighed in at 9 pounds 11.5 ounces and 19.5 inches long! I couldn't believe how big she was when I first heard, especially since I had pushed her out of me. Labor lasted for 19 1/2 hours, about 7 hours of it being at home and the rest at the hospital. The last 3 hours of labor were spent pushing my angel out.

The week of Baby A's due date, I had a check-up with my OBGYN's office on Monday, a prenatal massage and acupuncture appointment on Tuesday, and saw the chiropractor on Wednesday to help get labor moving along. I elected to not have my OBGYN doctor do any vaginal checks during my 3rd trimester to see if I was dilated or not, so I don't know when I actually started dilating. I didn't want to take the chance of a membrane being stripped or my water being accidentally broken during a check. I also knew that knowing how far dilated I was wasn't necessarily an indication of when I'd be going into labor and could psych me out mentally if I wasn't making progress throughout the passing weeks. I used the weekly OBGYN checks solely to check Baby A's movements and heart rate - they were quick five minute appointments. Honestly, the appointments stressed me out more than anything else, and I only saw my actual OBGYN doctor two times throughout all my check-ups. I normally saw his NP. For delivery, my OBGYN doctor wasn't there either. I ended up going to see a midwife two weeks before my due date because the NP said she thought that Baby A was sunny side up and told me that delivery was going to be very painful and hard, which got me all worked up. The midwife I saw spent a full hour with me answering all my questions and putting my mind at ease. She also said that Baby A wasn't sunny side up. I'll never know if she was or not, but at the time of delivery, she was not sunny side up. I did have some back pain during labor, so my doula had me do some labor positions to help change Baby A's position if she was sunny side up at that time.

On Tuesday, my prenatal massage was amazing! I met my massage therapist through my next door neighbor that had been given a prenatal massage as a gift from her mom the previous year. I started going to see her during my 2nd trimester (or maybe towards the end of my 1st trimester) and I owe her so much! She was/is so much more than a massage therapist! She is going to school to become a midwife, so she knows everything I could have needed to know for an unmedicated birth. She also gave me the name of the amazing doula we chose. While I received a wonderful massage, we would chat it up about all things baby like vaccines, baby wearing, breast feeding, home schooling, pregnancy symptoms, birth, etc. She is a fountain of knowledge and I know that the Universe put her in my path for a reason. I had an acupuncture treatment the hour before my massage. My massage therapist recommended both the acupuncturist and chiropractor I went to see (fountain of knowledge for sure!). I've always enjoyed acupuncture, but I didn't know I could have it throughout pregnancy. This acupuncturist was wonderful! I had acupuncture two times in my 3rd trimester.

On Wednesday, the chiropractor rubbed sage oil on my ears and did a little ear massage, along with making sure my pelvic bones were in alignment so Baby A could pass through easier. I saw him three times during my 3rd trimester, the last time being the day before I went into labor. He specializes in chiropractic services for pregnant women and babies/children. Baby A has already had a visit with him. Towards the end of the day on Wednesday, I lost my mucus plug and had some spotting. I texted my doula and she said to go out to a nice dinner with Brad and to get ready for labor to come soon (she knew what she was talking about).

I went into labor on Baby A's due date, Thursday, March 8th, at 3:30 p.m. That day was Brad's first day of vacation for maternity leave. He used 3 weeks of vacation time to be home with us. Brad and I were in our room laying on the bed talking about how we should try and rest while we could before the baby arrived. I started feeling some reoccurring cramping that I hadn't felt before while we were talking, so I decided to keep track of how far apart they were using a contraction app I had downloaded. The contractions ended up being about nine minutes apart. Once we decided that I was indeed having contractions, we started doing the things on our "once contractions start" list. Brad was rushing around getting dressed and grabbing things like we were going to be heading to the hospital within five minutes. It was cute. I told him that we probably wouldn't be going to the hospital for a couple of hours at least because I wanted to labor at home for awhile. Regardless, we got ready. He made peanut butter and honey sandwiches, packed the labor aide and red raspberry leaf tea ice cubes that I had made earlier in the week, filled up our water bottles, packed one of the labor balls, put our bags in the car, and grabbed some last minute things. I made the cloth diaper wipe concoction (tea tree oil, lavender oil, and water), so they'd be ready when we came home with our baby, and grabbed some last minute things. We texted our doula and she said to get into the bathtub to help with contractions. The plan was that she'd come over to our house once my contractions started getting closer together.

The bathtub was a lifesaver for contractions! Brad ran the water and I sat in the bathtub while he pushed start and stop on my phone for each contraction. He sat in the bathroom with me for hours bringing me whatever I needed. He made me oatmeal and tea. I ate a couple labor aide ice cubes. We tried once to have me get into the shower instead of the tub to see if that would feel good, but as soon as we let the water out of the tub and I lost the feeling of weightlessness from the water, I knew that the tub was the way to go. I wish I could have brought it with me to the hospital because it helped that much! I think the intensity of the contractions were cut in half with the tub. I remember calling my parents and talking to them while I was in the tub telling them I was having contractions. While in the tub, I looked at the birthing laboryth I had made, recited some birthing affirmations, talked to Brad, and listened to some music. Around 9 p.m., my contractions got to around 2-3 minutes apart and I was experiencing a lot of pain. My doula face timed me and saw my face during one of the contractions and said she was coming over. Before she arrived, she called to check in and she heard me cry out in pain during a contraction and said that she'd meet me at the hospital instead. Brad helped me get dressed and we got into the car and headed to the hospital, which was a little before 10 p.m. I had a couple contractions in the car. I'm so grateful that the hospital is only about six minutes away from our house.

Our doula met us at the hospital. She walked me up to the labor and delivery floor while Brad parked and grabbed our things. I got checked in and then Brad traded places with our doula. I had to be checked to see how far dilated I was. The check was pretty painful, so painful that I screamed out with pain. I was told that I was five centimeters dilated qualifying me to be admitted to a room. It wasn't a busy night, so I didn't have to wait long. I was given a room that had wireless monitoring, which was wonderful. Our doula and my mom met us in the labor and delivery room. A nurse got me set up - a heplock in my arm, in case I needed fluids from an IV. Unfortunately, it took three times before a nurse was able to successfully put the heplock into my arm - ouch! I ended up having some pretty bad bruising from the attempts. After the heplock was in, I changed into a nightgown I had bought for delivering in and the wireless monitoring was hooked up. Having the wireless monitoring allowed me to walk around the room during labor and not be confined to my bed. The nurse asked for my birthing wish list.

The lights were shut off, expect for the entrance light and we were left to labor. A few nurses came in from time to time to check in and help out with what they could, but it was pretty much just our doula, Brad, my mom, and I. My dad even popped in for a bit, but he didn't stay long. He was uncomfortable seeing me in so much pain. I asked him to take care of my girls (my dogs) because I was worried about them. Knowing that they were taken care of, brought me a huge sense of relief. He also went and got the labor team much needed food/nourishment. My doula coached me giving different birthing positions to get into throughout the night and early morning. I remember being on all fours, sitting on my birthing ball, leaning over my birthing ball, sitting on the toilet, standing up and hanging on to Brad, sitting on the bed, and laying down on my side. Every time I switched to a new laboring position, the next three contractions would be more intense, which was always in the back of my mind when changing. My doula had many tricks up her sleeve to help get my mind off of the pain of labor. I remember her asking me about each bracelet I was wearing and it's significance. She had different essential oils for me to smell, and yummy candies to suck on. She knew how to talk to me and who to get me to listen. My mom kept me hydrated by giving me water or whatever else I needed like my labor aide and raspberry leaf tea ice cubes. She rubbed my back and consoled me whispering words of encouragement in my ear. Brad was my rock and was there every step of the way. He gave me strength by merely being next to me. He was always so calm and collected ready to help out in any way. Just seeing him calmed me down.

My mind was aware of everything that was going on in the room, but I wasn't focused on my surroundings - only riding the wave of each contraction. If someone asked me a question, I remember answering in my head, but I'm not sure if the actual words came out or if they were just my thoughts. I was stuck at 8 centimeters for quite some time. We were all so exhausted. We would try and steal a couple minutes of shut eye between each contraction - me slumping over in exhaustion onto whomever and whatever was next to me. There was one point when all of us were surrounding my bed after one of my contractions ended that we all shut our eyes and fell asleep, only to wake three minutes later to get through the next contraction. It is difficult for me to describe how the contractions felt. I asked what contractions would feel like, so I knew what to expect before I went into labor, but people said I would just know. They said they'd feel like really bad period cramps. Yes, they felt like cramps, but it was a surge of feeling that started off with a dull discomfort that increased with intensity until it reached a peak and then would die down until the pain went away. With each centimeter more that I dilated, the intensity increased.

A nurse checked me and said that I was still at 8 centimeters. My water had not broken yet, so it was suggested that they break my water. That was against my birth wish list, but I was exhausted physically and mentally, and I honestly didn't want the labor to go on longer because of my water, so I agreed to have it broken. I had read that if your water had not broken when you went into labor, your contractions would not be as intense, which was true. The water sack provided a cushion. I was a little nervous about the pain increasing once my water was broken. A nurse broke my water and I immediately felt a warm liquid rush out and soak the bed. I don't know when my water was broken, or how long after my water was broken that I was given the clear to push, but I do remember having soaked sheets up until Baby A was born. It was a little uncomfortable.

I started pushing a little earlier than I should have, which caused my cervix to swell a little. Before labor had started, I thought that I'd be pushing the entire time. It wasn't until everything started that I learned that I wasn't allowed to push until I was ten centimeters dilated. A nurse checked me early in the morning and said that I was ten centimeters, but because I my cervix had swelled, I'd have to hold off onto pushing until it went down.

Once the swelling had decreased, I was finally given the clear to push. I pushed for three hours. It felt the best to push laying down and pulling a scarf during each contraction. I pulled one end while Brad or my doula pulled the other end. My arms were spent by the end. My legs kept cramping throughout the three hours. My dad went to Clark's and bought magnesium spray to put on my legs to help with the cramping, which it did. A nurse put coconut oil on my perineal to help with stretching, so I didn't tear as much. I had a difficult time getting the whole pushing thing down. It was quite painful. I knew that once a contraction started, I was supposed to hold my breath and push for ten seconds, but I couldn't quite hold my breath without yelling out in pain. My doula was amazing and counted to ten for me each time telling me not let any breath out by yelling. The yelling was taking away the force from my pushing. The pushing took everything out of me. I remember saying some choice words and begging to have Baby A taken out of me. I asked why did I do this (not unmedicated part) and said I couldn't keep going. I had reached my limit, but some how, I found the strength to keep going. Brad, my mom, and my doula were my cheerleaders and encouraged me the entire time.

After pushing for quite some time, everyone got excited and said they could see Baby A's head. They were all so excited. A nurse put a mirror down there for me to see her head, which helped me know where to direct my pushing. I could feel her coming out a little with each push, but then go back up again. I felt discouraged, but kept going. Once I was getting close, a nurse went and got the doctor. I kept pushing. I felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my head. Once I got the whole pushing thing down and realized that I would have to hold my screams in, Baby A started making nice progress. I knew I was close when I felt her head stuck even after the contraction was over. I kept pushing. The doctor said that there was maconium, so the NICU team would need to come in and be on stand by if they needed to take fluid out of her lungs. There were a total of eight people in the room. I did end up needing some IV fluids after about an hour and a half of pushing because I was getting dehydrated. I also needed some oxygen.

After a big push, Baby A's head came out and then her shoulders. I honestly thought that I'd be pushing much longer to get her shoulder's out, but they came out right after her head did. She was immediately put onto my chest. Baby A was warm, wet, and wiggling around just like she had been when she was in my belly. I could barely believe she was out. I was overjoyed with emotion and couldn't stop crying. Shortly after, the NICU team took her (they were right next to me) and removed some liquid from her lungs. Brad was with her the whole time. I kept saying, "that's my baby, that's my baby." My mom stayed by my side while Brad was with Baby A. I told her that I was a mom, and I wept. I was finally a mom. After I passed the placenta, which wasn't bad at all, the doctor said I had a lot of bleeding and needed some pitocin. I agreed to the shot of it in my leg.

Baby A was given back to me and put onto my chest. I ended up having second degree tearing and needed eleven stitches. They stitched me up while I was holding her. It was painful, but nothing like labor and I was too excited about Baby A to focus on what going on down there. It all seemed to go so quickly after she was born. I'm sure that some of the events I just described were out of order, but that's not important.

Baby A had some bruising from the experience of birth, so I agreed to a shot of Vitamin K. I asked the nurses to make sure that it was the preservative free version, and it was. They even showed me the box. I said no to the eye ointment and Hep shot, which was part of my birth wish list. Baby A was weighed and I was told that she weighed 9 pounds 11 1/2 ounces! Wow! I could hardly believe it! I had given birth to a huge, healthy baby girl! I was overjoyed!

Brad and I had our Golden Hour. During that time, my doula helped me with breastfeeding, and Brad and I marveled at how wonderful our little girl was. It felt like reaching a finish line and getting first place. Brad often told me that this pregnancy and labor were like my Ironman, and I couldn't agree more. I had carefully "trained" for months for my big "race", and once race day had finally come, I was ready for it (as ready as I could be).

I didn't know what labor was going to be like. I only knew from what people and books told me. After actually going through it, I can honestly say that it was nothing like I thought it would be. I thought I'd be able to look at my birthing affirmations banner, trace the birthing laboryth I had made, meditate, etc., but I didn't. I focused on one contraction at a time, listening to my doula, Brad, and my mom. They were my birthing affirmations and laboryth. They told me the things I needed to hear and they created the perfect birthing environment for me, so that I could have the perfect birth for Adeline and I. It was a beautiful birth, one that I have no regrets about. I felt safe and well taken care of.

Having an unmedicated birth was important to me because I wanted to feel every part of birth. I wanted to experience what my body was made to experience. It was not easy and it was painful, but unlike any pain I've ever experienced before. I was pushed to the max mentally, physically, and spiritually, but I survived and I'm so grateful for my story. It is my own story and I can't wait to share it with Baby A. I am a mom. I am strong. I am brave. Everything unfolded perfectly and beautifully. Brad and I have a daughter!

(Baby A ended up needing to go to the NICU for a couple days, which I will write a post about next. She's completely fine and we are all adjusting to our new life).

Almost Time

Infertility changed me. IVF changed me. Experiencing pregnancy has and is changing me. And once our Sweet Baby A arrives, she will most definitely change me. My life is ever changing from day to day, from experience to experience. Experiencing the infertility journey for so many years left bruises  and scars on my heart and soul that are slowly fading away, although I know that some of the larger scars will remain for an eternity, tattooed permanently onto my heart as if saying, "don't ever forget how much you wanted this baby, and don't ever take being a mom for granted." Those permanent scars are the ones that consumed my daily thoughts while going through infertility, cutting into me like a knife. What if I never have a baby? What if I never become a mom to a human? What if IVF doesn't work? What if I'm not meant to be a mom? What did I do wrong? Why can't I be normal? Becoming pregnant didn't instantly erase any of the feelings that I experienced during infertility, but that positive pregnancy test did give me hope that I could achieve my life long dream of becoming a mom after all.

Just like many young girls do, I started dream building about being a mom from a very young age. Mothering/nurturing came naturally to me. I enjoyed taking care of my younger brother and cousins (they may say otherwise :)). I enjoyed taking care of our family pets. I enjoyed playing with my Barbies and playing mom and daughter with them. It was never a question in my mind that I wouldn't be a mom when I grew up. It was part of my plan - becoming a teacher, a bride, a wife, and mother. So saying that I've been waiting for Sweet Baby A for over six years isn't completely correct...I've been waiting for her for over thirty.

There's something to be said about dreaming about something (becoming a mom), finding out/mourning the loss of that dream (infertility), and then actually achieving that dream (becoming pregnant after all). I watched my becoming-a-mom dream slowly slip through my fingers as Brad and I tried each month to become pregnant without success. I watched what it did to me. I watched what it did to Brad. And I watched what it did to us as a couple. It ate away at me until I grew numb. Then, we met Dr. Norion, and were finally given a reason for our infertility, and were given hope of achieving our dream after all. What an exciting, nerve-wrecking time that was! Now, I have about two weeks until Sweet Baby A's due date, and all the past pain seems like something that was so long ago.

I can honestly say that there have been some months throughout my third trimester where I haven't thought about IVF. Getting to experience the things that I didn't think I would and had blocked from my mind, like going to breakfast with other moms, talking to other moms about being pregnant and about labor, having a baby shower, buying baby clothes, etc. took up my thoughts and pushed IVF aside. I actually get to do those things now! And don't even get me started on how I feel every time I look in my rear view mirror and see an infant car seat in my car, or how I feel when I hear John Mayer's "Daughters" song on the radio. Things that used to bring me to tears of great sadness and loss, now bring me to tears of overwhelming disbelief, gratitude, and joy. It is hard to believe that not so long ago, I was having daily injections, multiple medical procedures, and frequent trips to an infertility clinic.

It all came back to me last week when I put together a little IVF scrapbook for Baby A including the injection calendars, pictures, and ultrasounds from our time at HRC. I want her to be proud of her creation and to not feel different, rather, to feel special about the process. No, her mom and dad can't tell her a story about how she was created by mom and dad having an intimate night together (that's probably not something that is shared until kids are adults anyway, ha!), but we can tell her a story of two people that were deeply in love that wanted more than anything to have a child, but couldn't without a little help from science. I actually just finished writing Baby A a letter that I'm going to give her when she turns 18, which includes that story. Seeing all of the IVF memorabilia brought back all the feelings I had during that time.

I never thought that I would forget any part/detail of IVF. It was so much a part of my identity and life. It consumed my daily thoughts and was an intimate part of my life and marriage. Now that IVF is over and I'm not having daily injections, I feel like a "normal" pregnant woman. It feels strange to identify with infertility and pregnancy, two polar opposites, though. If I'm not careful or mindful, those infertility thoughts/emotions about things like baby showers and pregnancy announcements can make me wince in pain from remembering what it was like not so long ago. Those feelings of not wanting to go to showers because they were a time of joy for everyone attending, but for me, they were a time of sorrow and pity for myself; those feelings of they got pregnant so fast, while I can't pregnant at all upon the arrival of a pregnancy announcement - they can come back so quickly.  In fact, those are the first feelings I automatically feel until I snap back to reality and say that's not my story any more. I will never forget the feelings of infertility, and will always be sensitive to other peoples' stories of infertility. We all have our own stories. No story is exactly the same. I am in awe of the process I have gone through, and will be forever grateful for every experience - my experiences have made me who I am today.

And today, I'm super, super, super excited about things like cloth diapers and how cute Baby A's little booty is going to be in them. I'm excited (and nervous) about laboring at home for as long as possible with Brad and my doula and then delivering at the hospital. I'm excited about feeling all the labor feelings that so many women before me have experienced. I'm excited about seeing Brad look into Sweet Baby A's eyes for the first time. I'm excited about the Golden Hour with Baby A and Brad right after she's born. I'm excited about getting to breast feed. I'm excited about learning how to be a parent with Brad. I'm excited about reading Baby A her first story out of my womb. I'm excited to have Baby A sleeping next to me in the bassinet that Brad made for her. I'm excited about going for walks as a family and getting to wear Baby A. I'm excited about the future. I know that many of the things I'm excited about may not go the exact way I have imagined them, but that's okay. Everything will work out. And as I always say, everything is unfolding perfectly.

And how crazy is it that my first post about our infertility journey was almost exactly one year ago?!? I just not noticed that. It was on 2/20/17 and today is 2/23/18...wow!!!!!!! A lot has happened in one year....

co-sleeper bassinet Brad made  

1st Trimester - IVF

Having gone through six years of not getting pregnant, I had mentally prepared myself for things like not ever being a mom, adopting, or going through infertility treatments. I had wrapped my head around those options always knowing that I would try all the avenues of becoming a mom that felt right to Brad and I before choosing the not being a mom route. The thing I hadn't prepared myself for, though, was becoming pregnant and staying pregnant.

IVF seemed like a whirlwind. There was always something to do. Always an appointment to go to, always an injection to have administered, always research to be done, always chatting with friends who had gone through similar experiences, always a next step, etc. The days passed by quicker than I had thought, and being busy helped keep me from thinking too much. Since I had planned for IVF mentally (as much as one could), I think I handled my emotions about it all pretty well. I enjoyed blogging about my experience, in hopes that I could help someone else going through infertility, and I liked the comfort and peace I felt from my family and friends knowing the details of our journey.

After finding out that I was actually pregnant (wow!), I struggled emotionally with the following weeks. Honestly, I was more prepared for not getting pregnant from our first round of IVF, than I was for getting pregnant. With each passing day after the first positive pregnancy test, I grew more and more scared that I would lose the baby. I wasn't my peppy, cheery self. I was much more fearful about the experience and Googled more than I should have. I was grateful for the congratulations from my family and friends, but I never truly felt like congratulations were in order since I feared that at any second, I would lose the baby. I had heard and read too many IVF journeys about other people. I think I took their journeys on thinking that their stories were my stories. If I read that someone had a miscarriage after their first ultrasound (which I did read on an IVF blog), I feared that that would happen to me. I actually felt sad before my first ultrasound because I remember thinking that I would have a miscarriage after it, since that had happened to someone else. I was in a strange place. Once I realized I was doing that, I would tell myself, "that is not my story." I didn't want to hear or read about anyone else's stories because I knew I wasn't mentally strong enough at that point in my life to not allow a bad ending to scare me.

The core of who I am - the me that believes so much in the power of positive thoughts and affirmations, meditation, deep breathing, controlling your thoughts, trusting that my path is unfolding perfectly - was challenged. I thought I was strong and ready for IVF. Maybe I was ready for IVF, but I definitely wasn't ready for pregnancy and all the "scares" that came/come along with it.

I've had a few scares since my first positive pregnany test. At week 5, I had some spotting when I went to the restroom. I was at lunch with a friend. I remember being shocked when I saw the blood on the toilet paper, and then I instantly began mourning the loss of my pregnancy. My thoughts spiraled out of control. Within seconds, I was already thinking about the next possible date I could try another round of IVF. I pulled myself together, told my friend that I needed to leave (it was right at the end of lunch, so the timing was perfect - although using the word "perfect" when talking about this story seems strange...), and we walked out to the parking lot. As soon as I got into my car, I called HRC. I wasn't crying when I called, but I started to when the receptionist told me that the nurse I had asked for wasn't available. When I started crying, she transferred me to another nurse, Cynthia. I explained what had happened, expecting that she'd say to come in for an ultrasound right away. Instead, she said that I was probably okay and that it could have been implantation spotting, that I should go home and put my feet up for a couple days, hydrate, and come in for an ultrasound at week 6 (two days after the spotting). She calmed me down and didn't say anything that scared me, which was good since I was in a fragile state. For the next two days, I rested and rarely got up. I didn't know what the spotting meant, but I knew that I would do exactly what the nurse had told me to do. I watched a ton of TV and distanced myself from the social media world and from Google.

The week 6 ultrasound was our first one since two positive blood pregnancy tests. I was extremely nervous. I rocked myself back and forth on the exam bed while we waited for Dr. Norion to come in. Brad tried to distract me, but I had lost control of my thoughts and they were running wild (in a negative direction). Dr. Norion walked in and said that I was six weeks pregnant and due on March 8th. That didn't mean too much to me...I just wanted to know if my baby was still alive. He did a vaginal ultrasound and explored with the camera for hours before saying anything - okay, it wasn't hours - it was only a couple of seconds, but that's what it felt like because I was holding my breath the entire time waiting for him to say something. When he finally did speak, he said there the baby was and asked if we wanted to hear the heartbeat. I was shocked that there was a baby in my belly, AND that we'd be able to hear the heartbeat! I read that people can sometimes hear the heartbeat at week 6, but often it's too early for that. When I heard the heartbeat, I felt a wave of emotions, mostly of relief and then absolute amazement. I looked over at Brad, and his mouth was hanging open. I had dreamed about the day that I would hear my babies heartbeat, and I finally was! It was incredible! Dr. Norion said he didn't see anything that could have caused my spotting, so that was good. We set up another ultrasound for the following week. He told me to take it easy. I was a high risk pregnancy because of the spotting (not the best thing for me to hear).

After the ultrasound, Brad and I were happy, but we were still on edge (or maybe that was just me). I felt much better about everything after I heard our babies heartbeat, but almost immediately after we left HRC, I started feeling like I was going to lose the baby again. I was happy that everything was okay at the time of the ultrasound, but I wanted a way to know 24/7 that 6AA was still alive. I didn't feel like blogging about our first ultrasound. I didn't feel like sharing good news that I was sure would turn into bad news. I was in a dark place during a time that very well "should" have been exciting, happy, and good. Fear took over much of me. I put "should" in quotation marks because I don't believe in "shoulds" when looking at the past because that is regretting something that has already happened. I rarely use the word "should" (except when I'm in a dark place) and it feels strange when I do use it. I almost always correct myself when I say it. That dark place was where I was meant to be. It was a part of my journey that was unfolding perfectly.

Throughout week 6, I started feeling really nauseas and developed some pretty intense food aversions. Going to the grocery store was an interesting experience for Brad and I during that time. The contents of the cart were very unlike me. I walked down the aisles while Brad followed me. I grabbed things I'd never normally buy - cinnamon toast crunch (okay - it was organic and wasn't your normal cinnamon toast crunch because it was from Clarks, but it was still a box of cereal), plain white bagels (no seeds!), salted crackers, pretzels, and ginger ale. It was a cart full of carbohydrates and no color. Where were the fruits and vegetables? Where was the raw milk and raw cheese? Nope, I wasn't feeling any of it. I thought I'd eat perfectly if I ever got pregnant, but once I experienced "morning sickness", that went out the window. And really, "morning sickness" is so very misleading! I felt sick all day. No, it was not like the movies (which is where I got my idea of how morning sickness would be) - I wouldn't throw up in the morning and then feel better for the rest of the day. I never threw up and still haven't. I remember waking up early in the morning begging Brad to go get a box of cereal for me. I ate some cereal and woke up hugging the box closely to my chest a couple hours later. Week 6 was strange.

At week 7's ultrasound, Brad and I decided that we wanted to know if 6AA was a girl or a boy. Originally, we had wanted to find out at the time when "normal" pregnant women find out, which is week 16 (I think??), but we talked about how we weren't "normal" and that we might as well take advantage of that perk of genetic testing. After hearing 6AA's heartbeat again at the week 7 ultrasound, and getting a good report back from Dr. Norion, we asked the gender.....we're having a girl! Honestly, I didn't care about the gender (or so I had thought), but after hearing it was a girl, I was really excited! I allowed myself to think about cute girl clothes and going to the princess tea event that my friends took their daughters to this year. Brad was excited about a girl, too! I had wanted to do a small gender reveal, since I had seen so many gender reveals of Pinterest over the past six years, but when it finally came down to it, I wasn't feeling up to a party. I ended up ordering a golf ball from Amazon and had Brad hit it in the backyard. Pink exploded out of it! It was a Kodak moment for sure.

Weeks 7-9,  I still felt poorly and had no interest in my favorite restaurants (no La Volata?????). I just wanted to sleep all day so I didn't have to feel sick any longer. Oh, and I was still getting daily injections into my booty. I felt bad for myself and still let fear take over me, even though things were going well with our little girl. I still wasn't in the place where I would allow myself to think too much about what life would be like with our little girl because I was so fearful of losing her. If I didn't think about the fun we'd have, I wouldn't hurt as much if I lost her (that's what I told myself). Being nauseas and fearful, and then getting a daily injection was more mentally challenging that I had thought. I often cried at injection time because I couldn't handle the pain any longer and I was feeling down. When Brad was gone for business, one of my wonderful personal nurses - Jill, Kirsten, or Dana (okay - they're not my personal nurses, but they might as well have been because they dropped everything and helped give me my injections at 5:30 p.m. on the days I needed them) came over and gave me my injection. I made myself be stronger when they were there, so I never cried in front of them (sorry, Brad).

At week 9's ultrasound, Dr. Norion gave us another good report. Our baby girl was making nice progress. I started back at school during week 9, which I was nervous about because I didn't know how my nausea would be and I didn't know if I was going to overdo it. I'm used to giving 110% of myself to teaching, but when I wasn't feeling 100%, I wasn't sure if I could do it. I did get to share at our back to school staff meeting that I was pregnant. I have been teaching for twelve years, and I can't tell you how many times we've come back from summer break, and a teacher reports that they're pregnant. I always longed to be that person. When someone would write, "guess who is pregnant?" on the whiteboard before the meeting, people used to guess me, but as the years passed by, I wasn't one of the popular candidates. Well, this year, I got to share that I was indeed pregnant! The majority of the staff knew of my infertility journey, so everyone was happy for me. I felt more confident about my pregnancy that week, too, so that was nice.

Last week, week 11, I had a little spotting Sunday night. I didn't cry that time, but I did immediately get sad. Brad reassured me that everything would be okay, and even Googled it for me, but spotting when you're pregnant is scary and the only thing that would have made me feel better at that moment would have been an ultrasound. I had started decreasing my hormones since Thursday night, so that could have caused the spotting, but I was worried that maybe I was losing the baby since I had decreased the hormones and maybe my body wasn't making enough hormones for our baby girl on it's own. I went to bed early that night and called HRC the following morning. I spoke to Cynthia again, and she said that I should be okay. She said to stick to the original plan of coming in for an ultrasound on Wednesday. Brad was gone last Wednesday for work, so my mom went with me.

At the week 11 ultrasound, my mom and I got to see an active little girl. Dr. Norion said she was like a Mexican jumping bean! She was moving her arms and legs all around. I instantly asked if that was okay, worrying that maybe I was too anxious which was causing her to move around too much, but he said it was good that she was moving around. He said that her heartbeat was at an ideal heart rate and that she was at an advanced size her her age (which was good, too). Dr. Norion said that I could officially stop all my IVF medication (wow!) and that I would graduate that day. One of the nurses brought me a baby blanket, and everyone hugged me. I still can't quite believe that I graduated. It honestly seems like just yesterday that Brad and I were meeting with Dr. Norion for the very first time. It was a wonderful experience getting to share my graduation day with my mama! I would have loved for Brad to be there, of course, but having my baby girl's grandma with me, was quite special!

Although this journey is still very much active and no where near the end, I am so very grateful for all the people that have helped me through it. I have been quite self absorbed lately, and my family and friends have loved me unconditionally throughout it all, and have been there for me every step of the way. This isn't a journey I'd want to go through alone, and I'm forever grateful for the support that I have been given. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Looking back over this post, I see so many words that I don't normally use (scary, scared, worried, down, dark place, should, struggling). It is no surprise that I have been struggling over the past month or so. However, I honestly believe that I was doing the best I could. I am letting myself off the hook and not feeling bad for the feelings that I had. I was challenged in a way that I wasn't expecting, which I think is how challenges normally go. I may have not learned all the lessons that I was presented with, but I did learn from some of them. I am feeling much better now - I think stopping the medication helped a ton with that (Brad would say that it has ;)). I'm also giving myself permission to think more about our little girl and the life that we'll have together. I talk to her often. I place my hand over her and tell her how much fun we'll have together. This morning, on my walk with the girls, I told our baby girl that she's going to love the walking routes we go on. I told her that we'll protect her and love her unconditionally. I told her that she's perfect in every way. I told her that she's our everything.

Today, I am 11 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I am almost three months pregnant! Our baby girl is the size of a fig (I bought one at the farmer's market yesterday in her honor) and she owns my heart. I know that I could lose her, but allowing that scared, negative thought, to keep all the positive, happy thoughts at bay, is not fair to her or me. I am a mom and this new love I have for my baby girl is something that I don't want to keep hidden away any longer. Being pregnant is indescribable. I'm carrying a beautiful living thing inside of me and it is a true honor. Now, when I walk around and see all the mamas, I don't think about how I wish I was them - instead, I think about how strong they are. How strong they are to have carried and given birth to their baby, or how strong they are to have gone through the adoption process or whatever process they went through to get their little angels. I have a new found appreciation for moms (thank you, mom!). Sweet Adeline - I am so proud to be your mama and can't wait to meet you in March! I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby girl you'll be...

Two Lines! - IVF

I started this post earlier today. The first two paragraphs are before our pregnancy results:

We are anxiously (very anxiously) waiting for the phone call from HRC. We went into HRC this morning at 8:00 a.m. to have my blood drawn for the pregnancy test. I asked how soon I'd hear back from them with the results, and the nurse said that a company would come and pick up the blood sample around 12 p.m. and take it back to Pasadena's lab to be read. She said to call HRC back at 2:45 p.m. if I haven't heard anything by then because they may be closing early for the Fourth. As I was walking out, someone from HRC asked me if I had cheated (taken an at home pregnancy test) and I told her no. Honestly, at home pregnancy tests and I have a love-hate relationship. I love that they exist, but I hate (a word I rarely use) the results they've always given me. I have purchased way too many tests to count and have even received some as a stocking stuffer from Brad many years ago, and they have all shown me that dreaded sad face or just one line. The only way I'll use an at home pregnancy test on this IVF journey is if I get a positive pregnancy phone call from HRC today (or if HRC forgets to call me today before they close early for the Fourth - ha!).

Today's wait has been almost as mentally challenging as the 14 day wait. As I was getting dressed this morning, I noticed that I could feel my heart racing; the kind of feeling I get right before I speak in front of a bunch of people (like at Back to School Night). I think I have noticed every passing hour today (maybe even every 30 minutes). My heart races every time our home landline rings, which I'm not sure why because HRC doesn't even have that phone number. I have been telling myself to take a deep breath in and think "I breathe in peace" and to exhale and think "I breathe out anxiety", which has been helping, but as the time continues to pass, I find myself getting more and more anxious. I have told myself many things today, trying to prepare myself for whatever we hear on the other end of the phone line today, but the fact of the matter is that if I find out that I'm not pregnant from this first round of IVF, I will be deeply saddened. My heart will break, but I have experienced heart break and I've always recovered from it. Over our last six years of trying to get pregnant, I have experienced so many losses as each month brought my period instead of a happy face on an at home pregnancy test. I should know this feeling well, this feeling of waiting and wondering if I could possibly be pregnant, but this time is different. This time I know that Brad's sperm made it to my egg and that it was successfully fertilized. This time I know that a fertilized embryo is in my uterus, all of which are things I never knew before (and I don't think ever happened before).

These paragraphs are the ones I wrote after my pregnancy results:

I decided to email my nurse at HRC at 2:05 p.m. (just a tad earlier than 2:45 p.m. but can you really blame me??). I told her that my cell phone had bad reception at the house and I wanted to give her our landline number just in case. She ended up calling me five minutes after my email (on the landline). My heart was pumping and I could barely contain my excitement!! I put the phone on speaker so Brad could hear everything. She said that she had just received my pregnancy results and that I was definitely pregnant! I started tearing up. I couldn't believe it! She shared all my hormone numbers and said that they were all on the high side and were very good, but honestly, once she said I was pregnant, I went into a bit of shock. I didn't write down the numbers she was listing nor did I retain them (I may email her tonight). I couldn't stop smiling. She said that the next step is to have blood work done again next Monday to check and make sure that all my hormones are continuing. If they are, then I'll have my first ultra sound in two weeks! Lots of waiting, but I'm okay with that.

I'm so excited that I can get pregnant! That was always a small fear of mine. IVF can only do so much, but now that I know I can, I am over the moon happy! I don't really know how far along I am, since I'm pretty sure that one of my nurses told me that I was going to be two weeks pregnant the day of the transfer because of how far along the embryo was at that point. And if you add two weeks to these last 14 days, I think that would mean I'm around 4 weeks pregnant, which is very, very early. I will continue to take my nightly injections for another 6 weeks if my blood work and ultra sounds have good results, and I'll graduate from seeing my doctor at the end of the 6 weeks. There is a ton that can happen between now and then, but like always, I'm going to try my very best to stay in the moment, and to enjoy this time in my life. This is unlike anything I've experienced before, and I'm going to soak up every minute of it, and not take anything for granted. Oh, I bought an at home pregnancy test at the store and got my two lines (I guess the happy face ones are made anymore??).

Looking back on this past week, my body was showing signs of pregnancy but I didn't give them much thought because I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. In the past, I have created ghost pregnancy symptoms. I'm pretty good at Googling and I think I know every pregnancy symptom that a woman can experience (thanks, to six years of  using Google), but the more symptoms I learned about, the more symptoms I "experienced", and the symptoms are all pretty much the same for what you could experience right before you start your period (minus the nausea) anyway. Well, this time around, whenever I felt something (i.e. breast tenderness/soreness, nausea, being tired, etc.), I dismissed it and blamed it on the hormones I was taking. When people asked me how I was feeling, I said good and then thought to myself, "Should I be feeling something?" I was feeling good, but I was also feeling other things. I have felt nauseas (not to the point of throwing up) and super super tired this past week. I think I've taken a nap every day, which I blamed on the extreme heat and the hormones. And my breasts have been really sensitive. So I guess I have been really experiencing pregnancy symptoms! Oh my goodness! How exciting!

Brad was gone last week for work, so my wonderful neighbor (a PA at a hospital - hopefully the same hospital I give birth at since I changed my health insurance and no longer have Kaiser) gave me my nightly injections. She's one busy mama and I'm so grateful that I was able to walk over to her house with my kit in hand (syringes, needles, hormones, step-stool, alcohol swab, mobile heating pad) and have her give me my injections. The last night, I had my friend who recently graduated from nursing school give me my injection. I've struggled asking for people to help me out with my injections because I feel bad for taking people's time. My aunt helped me out the first time I needed someone during egg retrieval time and then my neighbor/friend and friend helped me this time around (all 3 get 5 stars from me :)). I'm so grateful for their time, which I know is so valuable, and for their willingness to help me out!

These past 14 days have been full of emotions. Full of ups and downs. Full of thoughts (good and bad). Full of relaxing and lounging (and sometimes feeling guilty about that). Full of wonderful, supportive texts and phone calls from friends and family (thank you from the bottom of my heart!). Full of gratitude. Full of what-ifs. Full of research (pregnancy vitamins, etc.). And now that day 14 is here and the results are in, I am still a little shocked. I am pregnant! Little 6AA implanted into my embryo and is growing with each passing day. I will continue to do all that I can to stay strong mentally and physically, nourishing my mind, body, and soul. For now, I am a mom (I'm a mom!) and I am full of joy and gratitude for being here in this very moment! Oh, I bought an at home pregnancy test at the store and got my two lines (I guess the happy face ones are made anymore??).

The 14 Day Wait - IVF

This past "Transfer Tuesday" was and always will be my very first frozen single embryo transfer (SET). I don't know if the future holds more transfers, but the first transfer, I imagine, will always be near and dear to my heart. Tuesday went as well as I had hoped for (minus one small packing error on my part), and for the last couple of days since the transfer, I've been hanging out at the house taking good care of my body and what it holds inside.

Just like with the egg retrieval, Brad and I stayed the night in Pasadena the day before the transfer. I have a small fear of traffic (I'm working on overcoming/accepting it :)), and I didn't want to cause unneeded worry about the high likelihood of traffic Tuesday morning, especially if I could avoid it. Yes, I could have worked on controlling my thoughts and envisioned Brad and I getting to HRC on time (and left the house really early in the morning), but experimenting on transfer day didn't seem appealing. Plus, staying in Pasadena for the night allowed for more sleeping time, which I am always a supporter of. We left town in the late afternoon. We dropped off the girls at my parent's house, got gas, and then hopped on the freeway. Before we had left, I made sure to get all the meds I would need. I needed both injections that night. I checked, and double checked to make sure that we had the correct sized needles, too. About 30 minutes into our drive, I remembered that I had forgotten one of my vaginal insert pills (along with my deodorant, raw almonds, and disinfectant wipes for the hotel room). I briefly contemplated skipping the evenings pill, but Brad immediately exited the freeway and turned around to go home.

At home, Brad gave me my two injections. I grabbed a heating pad pillow and the other things I had forgotten. I must admit that I was kind of glad I had forgotten one of my meds and needed to go home because of it. Why? Because if I hadn't, I would have received my injections in a hotel room. Brad and I have the injection thing down now: 1. First, I heat the marked injection site (I keep track of the side of my body the injection is on by writing it on a calendar) while Brad gets everything ready; 2. Next, I stand on a short step stool and put all my weight on the side that isn't getting the injection (the stool allows the side that is getting injected to hang in the air and have loose muscles); 3. Then, Brad sanitizes the injection site on my skin by using an alcohol wipe, and we wait a little bit for my skin to dry (I had my blood drawn at HRC when my skin hadn't dried yet and it burned badly!); 4.  After drying, I do deep breathing and stare out our kitchen window while Brad administers the injections; 5. Then, Brad finishes by massaging the injection site to get the progesterone and estrogen to absorb well; 6. Finally, I put heat on the injection site while Brad cleans up. Like I said, we have it down now. And, it doesn't hurt as badly anymore (yay!). Forgetting that one med was a little gift from the Universe.

After we made it to Pasadena, we had dinner, and then checked into our hotel. We didn't stay in the same hotel as the one for the retrieval (we couldn't get a room on short notice after the transfer date had been changed), but it had windows that I could open for fresh air, so it was just as good. We watched some Netflix, and then went to sleep. I didn't sleep as well as I had the night of the retrieval, but I woke up feeling rested and ready for the transfer nevertheless. I think that my subconscious was a little worried about going back to HRC because the last time I was there was for the painful TAP procedure. I think that I made a connection between HRC and pain that I hadn't realized, and the unrecognized and unacknowledged thoughts kept me awake for a bit.

Right before acupuncture and the transfer

Brad and I arrived at HRC at 5:55 a.m. We went up to the third floor (the same place as the retrieval) and checked in. I wasn't quite sure where to meet Ryan, our acupuncturist, but when I spoke with a nurse at HRC, she knew him and told me to wait in the transfer room and she'd send him in when he arrived. The transfer room was across the hall from the retrieval/TAP operation/procedure room. It looked like a regular OBGY-N room, and had calming music playing. Ryan came in a couple minutes later and introduced himself. He was even nicer in person. The good vibe I got from him when we spoke over the phone was accurate. I absolutely loved him! He actually reminded me of Dr. Norion (authentic, compassionate, extremely smart, and quirky). He told me that he'd administer the acupuncture treatments in the same room as the transfer and on the same bed. He shared that he'd put a needle in both of my feet, in both of my wrists, one at the top of my head, and two in each of my ears. I asked for the thinnest acupuncture needles (because my normal acupuncturist always uses the smallest ones on me) and he said he'd use the thinnest ones he could that wouldn't change the results of the study. The study he was referring to was in regards to a higher success rate of a positive pregnancy test if acupuncture was done 30 minutes before and after an embryo transfer. My acupuncturist back at home said that the study was done ten years ago and then again recently, and the results were the same.

Acupuncture before transfer (the lights were off)

Because I had heard that Ryan was a traditional acupuncturist, meaning he used regular sized needles and wasn't as gentle as what I'm used to, I was a little nervous about what the first needle poke would entail. He started with the needles in my feet, and I must admit that it wasn't as painful as I had imagined. He did have a unique way of inserting the needles, especially the ones in my ear. He set the needle up and then softly hit/tapped the top of it to get it inserted into my skin. If someone had explained that method to me before actually experiencing it, that may have made me cringe a little (like when Brad was instructed to give my inner muscular injections like a dart), but the technique wasn't any more painful than what I was used to. After the needles were in, he left the room for a couple minutes. I did my visualizing and drank water. I was supposed to have a full bladder by 6:30 a.m., so I made sure to drink a ton. Brad had to bring the water over to me so I could sip it through the straw while I was laying down with the needles. I'm not a huge fan of moving around when I have needles sticking out of me. After a couple minutes, Ryan came back in an twisted each needle to create an electric wave so to speak. That was a different method than I was used to. He said that I should feel a strong sensation as he moved each needle. Some needles created more sensations than others. If I winced at all, he apologized right away and reminded me to breath deeply. He said that he doesn't like telling people to relax because that normally does the opposite for people. I couldn't have agreed more! And something crazy about the breathe deeply thing was that I had just bought my dad and I matching My Intent bracelets that said "Breathe Deeply" on them, and I was wearing mine! Ryan repeated the process of turning the needles every five minutes or so. I think he stopped around 6:30 a.m. (my bladder was comfortably full by then). I was so darned relaxed! I felt like I was slurring a bit when the nurse came in and asked me to undress from the bottom half down. Acupuncture is good stuff! I didn't want to get up from my relaxed, naturally drugged state, so Brad helped me out. He even put on the well loved blue bear paw slipper socks that I'm so fond of from HRC.

6AA

After getting undressed, Dr. Norion came in and gave us a picture of our embryo. He said that the embryo had thawed beautifully and had actually grown from a 4AA to a 6AA! A little tear slipped out of my eye and ran down my cheek as I heard that - a tear of joy and excitement. The picture of the embryo looked like a blob, but it was a beautiful blob because it was something that was a part of Brad and I. It was half of Brad's DNA and half of mine. Going off track for a quick second, embryo's amaze me! Just the thought that eggs can be removed from a woman's body, fertilized by a man's sperm in a petri dish, and then grow outside of a woman's body for six to seven days, truly blows my mind! Thinking specifically of our six embryo, they have endured so much already. They are strong and I'm so grateful for their strength and wonder. Back to the transfer, after talking for a bit, Dr. Norion got all set up for the transfer. It was a quick procedure, one that I had already done back in March (I think) called the Mock Transfer. The only true discomfort I experienced was while my cervix was being cleaned with a cotton swab. It pretty much reminded me of having a pap smear. My body did tense up due to the feeling of the cotton swab, but I think I was relaxed enough during the transfer itself. After getting me set up, Dr. Norion asked the nurse to call the embryologist and bring in my embryo. When she came in with the embryo, I tried to sneak a peak of how it was delivered, but I couldn't see anything. Later, I asked Brad what it looked like and he said that it was a small vile/tube of some sort. Dr. Norion inserted my embryo into the center of my uterus. Brad held my hand the entire time. Dr. Norion encouraged me to imagine my body melting into the bed I was on. I could have watched the entire thing on the monitor next to me because an external ultra sound was going on simultaneously, but I didn't want to freak myself out by seeing a long needle contraption moving around in my body. I didn't look at the screen until Dr. Norion had placed the embryo in my uterus. The embryo was a little white blur. He then waited to hear back from the embryologist if any of the embryo had gotten stuck in the tube (that part was a little confusing to me), and when he was given the all clear, he removed everything, and told me I could get up to use the restroom after 10 minutes.

First time seeing 6AA inside my uterus

6AA in my uterus after transfer (white blur)

After 10 minutes had passed (Brad was my time keeper), Brad told me I could get up. To be honest, I didn't really want to get up. Once I had seen that little white spot, the embryo that Brad and I had created, placed inside my uterus, I didn't want to get up and cause it to move around, but I really had to use the restroom (all that water had added up!) and I decided that Dr. Norion must have known what he was talking about when he said that I could get up after 10 minutes. I got up, used the restroom, and then came right back to the room for another round of acupuncture. It was the same as the one done before the transfer, and was just as relaxing and calming.

After the acupuncture, I was told that I could leave. That was it. I was sent home with a floating embryo inside of me (yikes!) and told to wait it out for 14 days. Dr. Norion and one of the papers I was sent home with, said to rest for about a week. There isn't any real research proving if bed rest for 48 hours after the transfer is better than not resting, but Dr. Norion encouraged me to hang out around the house and watch movies. One of the papers said to put my feet up, too, so I did that for a couple days as well.

Today, Friday, is the first day since the transfer that I felt okay about going out for a short, slow, walk with the girls. I think me doing research was helpful with that. Over the last week, I found out (from the highly intelligent internet) about the different stages that my embryo would hopefully go through this week. I learned that after a day or two from the transfer, my embryo would attach itself to the lining of my uterus. And then, a couple days after that, it would implant into my uterus. Knowing the stages, gave me detailed things to visualize. For a couple days after the transfer, I visualized my embryo attaching itself to my lining, getting all snuggly with it. I affirmed sayings such as, "My embryo attaches itself easily to the lining of my uterus." "My uterus provides a safe, nurturing, loving environment for my embryo." "My body welcomes 6AA (formally known as 4AA)." I meditated and as I did, I kept my hands on my belly in the shape of a heart sending my embryo and body lots of love and encouragement. Yesterday and today, I've been visualizing my embryo implanting in my uterus. I have added to my affirmations and visualizations.

I have been consciously working on my thoughts trying to make them as positive as possible, but I have had my share of negative, worrisome thoughts, especially Tuesday-Thursday of this week. I was worried about coughing too much because I didn't want to move the embryo away from the lining of my uterus...what if I coughed right when it was trying to attach to the lining? I was worried about getting up and walking around the house because I didn't want to shake up the embryo. I think a good analogy for what I pictured my embryo in my uterus being like was a snow globe. If the snow globe was moved, the embryo that was resting at the bottom of it would bounce all around and get discombobulated. I certainly didn't want that to happen. I know that the majority of women's embryo implant while they're doing their normal day to day activities, and everything is all good for them, but actually knowing that the implantation is hopefully going to happen this week (or maybe already has) is a little rough to navigate. Sometimes, not knowing is nicer than knowing because there's nothing to worry about if you don't know it's happening in the first place. Ignorance is bliss?

Because July 1st (the day I was supposed to have my pregnancy test) is on a Saturday, I won't take my pregnancy test until July 3rd. I am a very patient person and can handle waiting for things, but this 14 day wait has more riding on it than normal things I've waited for in the past. I must admit that I'm not my normal, chipper, upbeat self. I am positive and believe that everything is unfolding perfectly, but I find myself holding my breath more (thank goodness for meditation and constant reminders to breath) and thinking constantly about 6AA and the progress that it could or could not be making. I'm not quite sure what I had expected to feel emotionally after the transfer. I guess I hadn't really thought about it because I was in the moment. Now that the transfer is done and the waiting game is here, my emotions are on high alert. Physically, I feel great (minus the tight muscles at the injection sites) - way better than after the retrieval, but mentally, I'm a little reserved and cautious. Honestly, I think the decreased chipperness is due in part to my attachment of what I'd like the outcome to be. I think I'm more attached to the outcome being a positive one than a negative one (pretty sure that's normal, too), and because I don't know what will happen on the 3rd, that's weighing heavily on my heart. I think next week I'll do more things to distract myself. Not being in school this week has been lovely because I have been able to relax around the house, but working always keeps my mind busy. I get absorbed in my work and the days go by quickly. Without work, I have more time to think about things. I can only meditate, visualize, and read so much (I'm reading a wonderful book right now!). Normally, I'd clean the house, go to some hot yoga, run errands, bake, take the girls for a long walk, etc., but I can't really do those things right now. This is new to me, which means there is room to grow and learn. I'm being gently pushed towards trying new things and getting out of my comfort zone. Maybe I'm also being pushed towards feeling at peace at any given second regardless of what I do or do not know. Yes, maybe that's it. New affirmations: I feel at peace in this moment. I release any attachments to the outcome on July 3rd. I create my own happiness.

To end, something I've been thinking about lately is about how many women are walking out and above actively going through IVF... How many women are walking around with sore booties or tummies from injection sites? How many women are walking around thinking about how many of their eggs are going to fertilize and mature? How many women are walking around thinking about if their transfer was successful or not? How many women are walking around waiting to have a miscarriage removed? How many women are walking around thinking about what their next step will be after a failed embryo transfer? If one in eight couples experience infertility, then I know there are lots of women out there. I know everyone experiences pain and suffering at one time or another, and if we all treated each other like we knew their life story - if we treated them like a close friend that had shared their personal journey with us, if we gave out compassion without expecting anything in return and looked into each others' eyes with kindness, love, and acceptance, then I believe the world would be a better place. Everyone has a journey, and we all would greatly benefit from someone giving us a warm smile in passing, a cut in line at the store, the benefit of the doubt when accused of something, a compassionate hug, a sincere I-acknowledge-your-existence glance, etc. We don't know what everyone has and is going through, but we do know that everyone has and is going through something. Right now, Brad and I are going through IVF. My heart goes out to everyone that has and is going through something (that means everyone :)). Smile, breathe, and go slowly with compassion and love in your heart.

Transfer Tuesday - IVF

Our transfer day is almost here! It was originally scheduled for Monday (tomorrow), but there was a counting error back when the first calendar was made for me. I need to be on progesterone shots for five days before the transfer, and Monday would have been only four. We didn't find out the date was changed until we were driving home from Dr. Norion's office last Wednesday afternoon, and our nurse called to let us know. There were a couple changes to be made on our end because of the date change (hotel change, dog sitting night change, etc.), but it was all good. The transfer date is meant to be this Tuesday. Besides, I wouldn't be able to say "Transfer Tuesday" if it had been on Monday, and I'm pretty much in love with that name. The only thing I wanted to double check with my nurse about was that the embryo wasn't going to be thawed a day early (she assured me it wouldn't be - phew!).

Since my last blog post, I've had one more appointment with Dr. Norion (the one last Wednesday), started new meds, had two rounds of acupuncture, set up acupuncture before and after the transfer, had one appointment with my therapist, and have had two hormone driven tiffer-taffers with Brad (that's what I call our disagreements). At my appointment last Wednesday, Dr. Norion said everything looked great. I don't see him as many times as I did before the egg retrieval because I'm not taking the same medications. From my understanding, I'm taking a ton of hormones in all different forms (oral, injections, vaginal inserts), which is supposed to be preparing my body to accept 4AA on Tuesday. There's not too much to monitor. My nurse mentioned that on Transfer Tuesday, it'll be like I've already been pregnant for two weeks. I didn't ask for additional information about that, but I'm assuming the two weeks part is because of how far along the embryos got before they were frozen and because of the stage my body will be at on Tuesday. I was also informed that I get to take the daily progesterone injections for 8 weeks after the transfer (given I receive a positive pregnancy test).  That's a ton of injections!

After talking to Dr. Norion and my acupuncturist last week, I decided to call the acupuncturist in Pasadena that will come to HRC before and after the transfer. I had been going back and forth about actually having it done. Honestly, acupuncture causes me a little anxiety as the needles are being inserted. My hands get clammy and my heart beats faster than normal. I never know what to expect with the needles. In some spots, they hurt, and in others, they don't, and it can change with each session. After the needles are in, I calm down and get the full benefits from the acupuncture treatment, which is why I do it, but I couldn't decide if I wanted to experience anxiety before the transfer. As I often mention, I work hard at controlling my thoughts and on my breathing, but the feelings of the needles are still there. I haven't mastered feeling the pain and not contracting my body in response to it, but I know it is much better than it would be if I didn't breathe and accept the pain. Dr. Watkins, my acupuncturist, told me that the acupuncture before and after the transfer will be different than the acupuncture she uses for me normally because the needles will be targeting different areas that are specifically for the transfer. She doesn't travel to Pasadena for treatments, but she has heard of the doctor I'll be using on Tuesday. She said that the treatment before the transfer will help decrease any cramping I could experience during the transfer, and will help increase blood flow. The less my body contracts from pain during the transfer, the better. I called the acupuncturist out in Pasadena last Friday. I decided that if he was able to come for the transfer, then I would use him, but if he couldn't, I would be okay with that.

I instantly got a good vibe from him over the phone. He was nice, patient, and didn't act as if he was doing me a favor by coming at such an early time on Tuesday. In fact, he offered to email HRC and ask what time they wanted him to get there. He made less work for me, which I greatly appreciated! My transfer is at 6:45 a.m. on Tuesday. We will arrive at 5:55 a.m. and have the acupuncture right before the treatment. I am supposed to have a full bladder before the transfer (I'm not sure why, but I'll do whatever I'm told to do in regards to IVF), but since I'll be arriving so early, I can drink tons of water starting at 6 a.m. instead of arriving with a full bladder and hope that my bladder is full by around 6:30 a.m. The acupuncturist said that we don't need to meet ahead of time, although I offered to come out on Monday. He said that since I'm already experienced with acupuncture, he doesn't need to see me for a consult. At this point, needles and I are very close to each other. They are a part of my daily life, and a few extra needles on the day of the transfer that could potentially increase my chances of success by 40% of the percentage Dr. Norion gave me (which was about 65%), are worth it. It was easy to make the appointment, so I'm taking that as a sign that it was meant to be.

Starting last Thursday, I added a daily shot of progesterone (another intramuscular booty injection), a six day pack of 21 oral pills, and two different vaginal inserts. The pills and inserts are fine, but the progesterone injection is no walk in the park. One of my friends that went through IVF said that she got knots in her backside from the booty injections, and had tight muscles. I didn't experience the knots with the estradiol that I started back on June 1st (I take that injection every third day), so I thought that I'd be fine with the progesterone. It was going in the same area as the estradiol and it was actually a thinner needle. Well, it turns out that I can get knots. I started the progesterone last Thursday and I am still working on mastering the whole acceptance part of the pain. Last Friday, I got to have both shots in one day. That night was a little rough for me. I braced myself against the counter like I had been doing for the estradiol. Brad injected the needle like a dart, and as soon as it went in, my leg involuntarily kicked out in front of me. Brad told me to stay still as if I had done it on purpose, but I shared that the leg kick had not been by choice. He was able to complete the injection, but I had one more to go (the estradiol) in the same side and area. It took me a few minutes to do some deep breathing (Brad talked me through that since I kind of panicked) and then he injected the estradiol. After the injections, Brad massaged the injection sites and then gave the sites a feel better kiss. He has so much compassion for me, and he encourages me every step of the way. The progesterone injection sites are pretty knotted up and sore. I have bruises, too. However, I'm choosing to believe that it'll get better as time goes by, and that my booty muscles will get used to the daily injections and loosen up.  If 4AA takes, and I stay pregnant, I will continue to get daily shots until I graduate from seeing Dr. Norion (10th week appointment). If I do end up having a baby, and that baby grows up and says something in their teenage years like I don't love them or I didn't want them, I will refer them to this blog. No, I don't love injections, but I love what they could lead to, and all the pain I'm experiencing now is worth whatever outcome I get. If I get a baby from the pain, yay, but if I don't get a baby, the pain has taught me that I can endure more than I had ever imagined, and that Brad and I can get through anything together.

Speaking of getting through anything together, all the hormones have made me a little more emotional than normal. Not crying emotional, but more intense in my feelings of my opinions emotional. Brad and I had two tiffer-taffers that normally wouldn't have bothered me so much, and that I would have easily gotten over especially since I got my way in the end, but because of the hormones (at least that's what I'm sticking to anyway), I got more heated and was more upset. Brad never once brought the extra hormones up during our tiffer-taffers, thank goodness. But other than those two times, I think I've been doing pretty well (and I think Brad would say the same thing, too - I hope).

I recently read an article Daily OM that talked about worrying. "Worry is a self-created state of needless fear." "Worrying does nothing to ensure a positive outcome and it has an unpleasant effect on your body, mind, and spirit." The article said that instead of worrying about something,  like your family getting home safely from a trip, you can envision them traveling safely instead and being protected every inch of the way. "Next time you find that your are worrying, imagine the best result instead of anticipating the worst outcome." The article made me think about the transfer. I could easily worry about the transfer not working out, but that won't change the outcome and it won't benefit anyone, especially me and 4AA. After I read the article, I envisioned 4AA being thawed in a safe, protected environment. I envisioned it being handled with care, and being ready for me on Transfer Tuesday. I envisioned 4AA being transferred smoothly into my body, and my body easily accepting it. I envisioned my body and 4AA being compatible. I envision those things on a daily basis.

Mentally, I'm feeling strong and ready. I get many daily opportunities to practice and apply the things I've learned. I'm not avoiding any thoughts or emotions. I'm taking them head on, and thinking them through. I'm continuing to stay positive and to remind myself that I'm on the right path. I'm smiling, breathing, and going slowly (that was on a greeting card last week and it was there at the perfect moment). Positive pregnancy test or not (I get to take my first pregnancy test on July 1st), I am truly blessed to have the life that I do. And I will not give up hope that something wonderful is about to happen. I'm ready for you Transfer Tuesday! Let's do this!

5 Girls and 1 Boy - IVF

I hadn't realized how nervous/excited I was about finding out the results of the genetic testing until I received the phone call from my nurse with the results. She started by telling me that we had six genetically normal embryo (Dr. Norion said to expect between 4-9) and then asked if I wanted to know each of their genders. Brad wasn't with me at the time of the call, but I figured it would be okay if I found out how many girls and boys we had before him (besides, I just couldn't wait!). My nurse said that we had five girls and one boy. I immediately started tearing up with tears of excitement and relief. I then asked if the highest graded embryo (our 4AA) was one of the genetically normal ones and she said that it was. I told her not to tell me the gender of "4AA" because we were planning on transferring that embryo first and we wanted the gender to be a surprise. In all of my excitement, I didn't think to ask about the grades of the other five embryo. We had a couple that had a lower grade than the rest, and I wanted to know if those had come back as genetically normal or not. I called back and asked my nurse, and found out that the other five embryo were our next highest graded ones (good news!).

I was super excited to tell Brad the news when I got home! I was optimistic about the number of genetically normal embryo we'd get back, but there was still a thought in the far back of my mind that was nervous about what the actual number would be. I kept that thought buried in the darkness so that it didn't cause me anxiety, but I instantly felt a sense of relief when I heard the number six. Brad was happy to hear the results when I got home, too. We went out to dinner that night to celebrate the good news. We allowed ourselves to talk about different possible baby names - something that we hadn't talked about in many, many years. We also talked about if we wanted to know the gender of "4AA" or not.  Originally, we had decided that we'd let the embryologist pick the best embryo to transfer, but now that the results were actually available to us, we went back and forth about wanting to know what "4AA" was. As of today, we still don't want to know if "4AA" is a boy or girl, but who knows if that will change.

The first booty shot

Yesterday, I had my first ultra sound and blood work for the embryo transfer. I was on birth control for a couple weeks, and stopped it this last Sunday (per my nurse's directions). Dr. Norion wasn't in yesterday, but his assistant still did the ultra sound and sent the pictures to Dr. Norion. She said that my lining was thin (which was good) and my ovaries were still a little swollen. After the ultra sound, Brad and I met with our nurse. She said that we were going to move forward with starting the medication for the embryo transfer, as long as my hormone levels from the blood work came back normal, and she gave us paperwork to complete. Then, she gave us directions for how to administer the first medication. For the embryo transfer, I get to have booty shots, as opposed to tummy shots. When she was showing us how prepare the medication, I couldn't help but notice that the needle seemed thicker and longer than the needles that we used for my tummy shots. My nurse said that it was because it needed to reach my muscle, but it wasn't that much larger. Yikes! She said that instead of grabbing the skin before injecting the needle, Brad should stretch my skin and then inject the needle like a dart, getting the needle all the way into my skin. I kept telling myself, "I've got this. I've got this," but in the back of my mind, I was feeling a little intimidated. My nurse told Brad that after the needle was in, he should pull the top part out a little to see if any blood comes into the syringe because if it does, that meant that he hit a vein (now that freaked me out a little!). If there was blood, Brad should pull out the needle and try somewhere else. Nothing bad would necessarily happen, I guess the medication just wouldn't absorb as well. Brad asked about where exactly to administer the shot on me, so my nurse pulled out a permanent marker and drew a circle on my body. No, I wouldn't normally write on my body with a permanent marker because the ink absorbs into my skin, but I felt like this was a good time for an exception.

All the meds for the embryo transfer

 After the directions for medication, we went over important upcoming dates. I don't get monitored as much this time around, so I will only go in one more time for an ultra sound and blood work before the actual transfer. I'll go in on the 14th and then the transfer will be on the 19th. Wow! I can't believe that the transfer is going to be this month! Technically, I'll be pregnant as soon as the embryo is transferred, so at the very least, I can say that I have been pregnant, which is something that I will be so very grateful for. We'll have a two week waiting game to see if my body accepts the embryo or not. I am planning on doing my positive affirmations and visualizations constantly. "My body easily accepts "4AA"." ""4AA" is strong and healthy." "My body is calm and relaxed." I will visualize the embryo being welcomed by my body and send my body loving thoughts. I can't wait!

I have been cautiously optimistic on this journey. I don't allow myself to get too excited nor too worried (at least that's what I work hard to do anyway). I try and take things as they come and feel them as they are, not exaggerating them. I tend to get super excited about things, but with super excitement can come super disappointment. With this journey, I am consciously working on coming at it from a different approach. Obviously, I want to get pregnant and to stay pregnant, but I am not in control of that. Me getting super excited about becoming a mom right now at this stage of our journey, won't benefit me. In fact, it will take away from me enjoying the experience of everything right now. Right now, I am not a mom to a human. Right now, I am a soul taking advantage of modern science and using it as a tool to see if it can help me become a mom. Right now, I am in the middle of a trial. Right now, I am doing my due diligence, working towards something I feel is right for me, but I don't know if it truly is. Only time will tell as my future is presented to me. It will all be okay because it is all unfolding perfectly. It is not my job to control my future, merely to stay present and do the best that I can.

Last night, after my nurse called and said that my hormone levels were good, and Dr. Norion approved the ultra sound picture, Brad administered my first booty shot. I used a heating pad for about 15 minutes prior to the injection. I stood in the kitchen bent over a bit holding onto the edge of the counter. I put all my weight on the opposite side of the injection site. I did my deep breathing and reminded myself to feel what I was about to feel, rather than thinking and worrying about what I thought it was going to feel like. Once Brad administered it, I noticed that I didn't really even feel the needle going in, but I did feel it while it was there. It was like a charley horse. My muscle got really tight and started throbbing. The needle stayed in for a bit because Brad had to check and see if there was blood or not (there wasn't - yay!). After Brad took the needle out, I heated the area for another 15 minutes, and went on with the night. I was grateful that there wasn't a stinging/burning sensation like there had been with some injections, and I was grateful that I didn't shed a single tear. Brad is a pro at administering my injections and there's something about him doing it that brings me a feeling of calmness. These particular booty shots are done every three days, so I have tonight and tomorrow night off. I was actually a little happy about the injection last night because it meant that we were moving forward and getting closer to the transfer date. To be honest, I think I was holding my breath a little about if I my body was going to be ready this month or not since it had been through so much with the retrieval. Once my nurse called us last night and said that everything was good with the blood work, I took a deep breath, the deepest breath I had taken all day.

Injection site

I have four additional medications that I'll be adding to my regimen before the 19th, but I can see the finish line now. I am going to continue taking good care of my body focusing on getting it ready for "4AA" taking it one day at a time. I am so very grateful for IVF and the opportunity that it is giving us. It is easy to not look forward to things like injections and to think negatively about spending the large amount of money that IVF has cost us so far, but when I stop and think about it, each of those things is a part of IVF and IVF is giving us a chance to make something truly amazing!