The 14 Day Wait - IVF

This past "Transfer Tuesday" was and always will be my very first frozen single embryo transfer (SET). I don't know if the future holds more transfers, but the first transfer, I imagine, will always be near and dear to my heart. Tuesday went as well as I had hoped for (minus one small packing error on my part), and for the last couple of days since the transfer, I've been hanging out at the house taking good care of my body and what it holds inside.

Just like with the egg retrieval, Brad and I stayed the night in Pasadena the day before the transfer. I have a small fear of traffic (I'm working on overcoming/accepting it :)), and I didn't want to cause unneeded worry about the high likelihood of traffic Tuesday morning, especially if I could avoid it. Yes, I could have worked on controlling my thoughts and envisioned Brad and I getting to HRC on time (and left the house really early in the morning), but experimenting on transfer day didn't seem appealing. Plus, staying in Pasadena for the night allowed for more sleeping time, which I am always a supporter of. We left town in the late afternoon. We dropped off the girls at my parent's house, got gas, and then hopped on the freeway. Before we had left, I made sure to get all the meds I would need. I needed both injections that night. I checked, and double checked to make sure that we had the correct sized needles, too. About 30 minutes into our drive, I remembered that I had forgotten one of my vaginal insert pills (along with my deodorant, raw almonds, and disinfectant wipes for the hotel room). I briefly contemplated skipping the evenings pill, but Brad immediately exited the freeway and turned around to go home.

At home, Brad gave me my two injections. I grabbed a heating pad pillow and the other things I had forgotten. I must admit that I was kind of glad I had forgotten one of my meds and needed to go home because of it. Why? Because if I hadn't, I would have received my injections in a hotel room. Brad and I have the injection thing down now: 1. First, I heat the marked injection site (I keep track of the side of my body the injection is on by writing it on a calendar) while Brad gets everything ready; 2. Next, I stand on a short step stool and put all my weight on the side that isn't getting the injection (the stool allows the side that is getting injected to hang in the air and have loose muscles); 3. Then, Brad sanitizes the injection site on my skin by using an alcohol wipe, and we wait a little bit for my skin to dry (I had my blood drawn at HRC when my skin hadn't dried yet and it burned badly!); 4.  After drying, I do deep breathing and stare out our kitchen window while Brad administers the injections; 5. Then, Brad finishes by massaging the injection site to get the progesterone and estrogen to absorb well; 6. Finally, I put heat on the injection site while Brad cleans up. Like I said, we have it down now. And, it doesn't hurt as badly anymore (yay!). Forgetting that one med was a little gift from the Universe.

After we made it to Pasadena, we had dinner, and then checked into our hotel. We didn't stay in the same hotel as the one for the retrieval (we couldn't get a room on short notice after the transfer date had been changed), but it had windows that I could open for fresh air, so it was just as good. We watched some Netflix, and then went to sleep. I didn't sleep as well as I had the night of the retrieval, but I woke up feeling rested and ready for the transfer nevertheless. I think that my subconscious was a little worried about going back to HRC because the last time I was there was for the painful TAP procedure. I think that I made a connection between HRC and pain that I hadn't realized, and the unrecognized and unacknowledged thoughts kept me awake for a bit.

Right before acupuncture and the transfer

Brad and I arrived at HRC at 5:55 a.m. We went up to the third floor (the same place as the retrieval) and checked in. I wasn't quite sure where to meet Ryan, our acupuncturist, but when I spoke with a nurse at HRC, she knew him and told me to wait in the transfer room and she'd send him in when he arrived. The transfer room was across the hall from the retrieval/TAP operation/procedure room. It looked like a regular OBGY-N room, and had calming music playing. Ryan came in a couple minutes later and introduced himself. He was even nicer in person. The good vibe I got from him when we spoke over the phone was accurate. I absolutely loved him! He actually reminded me of Dr. Norion (authentic, compassionate, extremely smart, and quirky). He told me that he'd administer the acupuncture treatments in the same room as the transfer and on the same bed. He shared that he'd put a needle in both of my feet, in both of my wrists, one at the top of my head, and two in each of my ears. I asked for the thinnest acupuncture needles (because my normal acupuncturist always uses the smallest ones on me) and he said he'd use the thinnest ones he could that wouldn't change the results of the study. The study he was referring to was in regards to a higher success rate of a positive pregnancy test if acupuncture was done 30 minutes before and after an embryo transfer. My acupuncturist back at home said that the study was done ten years ago and then again recently, and the results were the same.

Acupuncture before transfer (the lights were off)

Because I had heard that Ryan was a traditional acupuncturist, meaning he used regular sized needles and wasn't as gentle as what I'm used to, I was a little nervous about what the first needle poke would entail. He started with the needles in my feet, and I must admit that it wasn't as painful as I had imagined. He did have a unique way of inserting the needles, especially the ones in my ear. He set the needle up and then softly hit/tapped the top of it to get it inserted into my skin. If someone had explained that method to me before actually experiencing it, that may have made me cringe a little (like when Brad was instructed to give my inner muscular injections like a dart), but the technique wasn't any more painful than what I was used to. After the needles were in, he left the room for a couple minutes. I did my visualizing and drank water. I was supposed to have a full bladder by 6:30 a.m., so I made sure to drink a ton. Brad had to bring the water over to me so I could sip it through the straw while I was laying down with the needles. I'm not a huge fan of moving around when I have needles sticking out of me. After a couple minutes, Ryan came back in an twisted each needle to create an electric wave so to speak. That was a different method than I was used to. He said that I should feel a strong sensation as he moved each needle. Some needles created more sensations than others. If I winced at all, he apologized right away and reminded me to breath deeply. He said that he doesn't like telling people to relax because that normally does the opposite for people. I couldn't have agreed more! And something crazy about the breathe deeply thing was that I had just bought my dad and I matching My Intent bracelets that said "Breathe Deeply" on them, and I was wearing mine! Ryan repeated the process of turning the needles every five minutes or so. I think he stopped around 6:30 a.m. (my bladder was comfortably full by then). I was so darned relaxed! I felt like I was slurring a bit when the nurse came in and asked me to undress from the bottom half down. Acupuncture is good stuff! I didn't want to get up from my relaxed, naturally drugged state, so Brad helped me out. He even put on the well loved blue bear paw slipper socks that I'm so fond of from HRC.

6AA

After getting undressed, Dr. Norion came in and gave us a picture of our embryo. He said that the embryo had thawed beautifully and had actually grown from a 4AA to a 6AA! A little tear slipped out of my eye and ran down my cheek as I heard that - a tear of joy and excitement. The picture of the embryo looked like a blob, but it was a beautiful blob because it was something that was a part of Brad and I. It was half of Brad's DNA and half of mine. Going off track for a quick second, embryo's amaze me! Just the thought that eggs can be removed from a woman's body, fertilized by a man's sperm in a petri dish, and then grow outside of a woman's body for six to seven days, truly blows my mind! Thinking specifically of our six embryo, they have endured so much already. They are strong and I'm so grateful for their strength and wonder. Back to the transfer, after talking for a bit, Dr. Norion got all set up for the transfer. It was a quick procedure, one that I had already done back in March (I think) called the Mock Transfer. The only true discomfort I experienced was while my cervix was being cleaned with a cotton swab. It pretty much reminded me of having a pap smear. My body did tense up due to the feeling of the cotton swab, but I think I was relaxed enough during the transfer itself. After getting me set up, Dr. Norion asked the nurse to call the embryologist and bring in my embryo. When she came in with the embryo, I tried to sneak a peak of how it was delivered, but I couldn't see anything. Later, I asked Brad what it looked like and he said that it was a small vile/tube of some sort. Dr. Norion inserted my embryo into the center of my uterus. Brad held my hand the entire time. Dr. Norion encouraged me to imagine my body melting into the bed I was on. I could have watched the entire thing on the monitor next to me because an external ultra sound was going on simultaneously, but I didn't want to freak myself out by seeing a long needle contraption moving around in my body. I didn't look at the screen until Dr. Norion had placed the embryo in my uterus. The embryo was a little white blur. He then waited to hear back from the embryologist if any of the embryo had gotten stuck in the tube (that part was a little confusing to me), and when he was given the all clear, he removed everything, and told me I could get up to use the restroom after 10 minutes.

First time seeing 6AA inside my uterus

6AA in my uterus after transfer (white blur)

After 10 minutes had passed (Brad was my time keeper), Brad told me I could get up. To be honest, I didn't really want to get up. Once I had seen that little white spot, the embryo that Brad and I had created, placed inside my uterus, I didn't want to get up and cause it to move around, but I really had to use the restroom (all that water had added up!) and I decided that Dr. Norion must have known what he was talking about when he said that I could get up after 10 minutes. I got up, used the restroom, and then came right back to the room for another round of acupuncture. It was the same as the one done before the transfer, and was just as relaxing and calming.

After the acupuncture, I was told that I could leave. That was it. I was sent home with a floating embryo inside of me (yikes!) and told to wait it out for 14 days. Dr. Norion and one of the papers I was sent home with, said to rest for about a week. There isn't any real research proving if bed rest for 48 hours after the transfer is better than not resting, but Dr. Norion encouraged me to hang out around the house and watch movies. One of the papers said to put my feet up, too, so I did that for a couple days as well.

Today, Friday, is the first day since the transfer that I felt okay about going out for a short, slow, walk with the girls. I think me doing research was helpful with that. Over the last week, I found out (from the highly intelligent internet) about the different stages that my embryo would hopefully go through this week. I learned that after a day or two from the transfer, my embryo would attach itself to the lining of my uterus. And then, a couple days after that, it would implant into my uterus. Knowing the stages, gave me detailed things to visualize. For a couple days after the transfer, I visualized my embryo attaching itself to my lining, getting all snuggly with it. I affirmed sayings such as, "My embryo attaches itself easily to the lining of my uterus." "My uterus provides a safe, nurturing, loving environment for my embryo." "My body welcomes 6AA (formally known as 4AA)." I meditated and as I did, I kept my hands on my belly in the shape of a heart sending my embryo and body lots of love and encouragement. Yesterday and today, I've been visualizing my embryo implanting in my uterus. I have added to my affirmations and visualizations.

I have been consciously working on my thoughts trying to make them as positive as possible, but I have had my share of negative, worrisome thoughts, especially Tuesday-Thursday of this week. I was worried about coughing too much because I didn't want to move the embryo away from the lining of my uterus...what if I coughed right when it was trying to attach to the lining? I was worried about getting up and walking around the house because I didn't want to shake up the embryo. I think a good analogy for what I pictured my embryo in my uterus being like was a snow globe. If the snow globe was moved, the embryo that was resting at the bottom of it would bounce all around and get discombobulated. I certainly didn't want that to happen. I know that the majority of women's embryo implant while they're doing their normal day to day activities, and everything is all good for them, but actually knowing that the implantation is hopefully going to happen this week (or maybe already has) is a little rough to navigate. Sometimes, not knowing is nicer than knowing because there's nothing to worry about if you don't know it's happening in the first place. Ignorance is bliss?

Because July 1st (the day I was supposed to have my pregnancy test) is on a Saturday, I won't take my pregnancy test until July 3rd. I am a very patient person and can handle waiting for things, but this 14 day wait has more riding on it than normal things I've waited for in the past. I must admit that I'm not my normal, chipper, upbeat self. I am positive and believe that everything is unfolding perfectly, but I find myself holding my breath more (thank goodness for meditation and constant reminders to breath) and thinking constantly about 6AA and the progress that it could or could not be making. I'm not quite sure what I had expected to feel emotionally after the transfer. I guess I hadn't really thought about it because I was in the moment. Now that the transfer is done and the waiting game is here, my emotions are on high alert. Physically, I feel great (minus the tight muscles at the injection sites) - way better than after the retrieval, but mentally, I'm a little reserved and cautious. Honestly, I think the decreased chipperness is due in part to my attachment of what I'd like the outcome to be. I think I'm more attached to the outcome being a positive one than a negative one (pretty sure that's normal, too), and because I don't know what will happen on the 3rd, that's weighing heavily on my heart. I think next week I'll do more things to distract myself. Not being in school this week has been lovely because I have been able to relax around the house, but working always keeps my mind busy. I get absorbed in my work and the days go by quickly. Without work, I have more time to think about things. I can only meditate, visualize, and read so much (I'm reading a wonderful book right now!). Normally, I'd clean the house, go to some hot yoga, run errands, bake, take the girls for a long walk, etc., but I can't really do those things right now. This is new to me, which means there is room to grow and learn. I'm being gently pushed towards trying new things and getting out of my comfort zone. Maybe I'm also being pushed towards feeling at peace at any given second regardless of what I do or do not know. Yes, maybe that's it. New affirmations: I feel at peace in this moment. I release any attachments to the outcome on July 3rd. I create my own happiness.

To end, something I've been thinking about lately is about how many women are walking out and above actively going through IVF... How many women are walking around with sore booties or tummies from injection sites? How many women are walking around thinking about how many of their eggs are going to fertilize and mature? How many women are walking around thinking about if their transfer was successful or not? How many women are walking around waiting to have a miscarriage removed? How many women are walking around thinking about what their next step will be after a failed embryo transfer? If one in eight couples experience infertility, then I know there are lots of women out there. I know everyone experiences pain and suffering at one time or another, and if we all treated each other like we knew their life story - if we treated them like a close friend that had shared their personal journey with us, if we gave out compassion without expecting anything in return and looked into each others' eyes with kindness, love, and acceptance, then I believe the world would be a better place. Everyone has a journey, and we all would greatly benefit from someone giving us a warm smile in passing, a cut in line at the store, the benefit of the doubt when accused of something, a compassionate hug, a sincere I-acknowledge-your-existence glance, etc. We don't know what everyone has and is going through, but we do know that everyone has and is going through something. Right now, Brad and I are going through IVF. My heart goes out to everyone that has and is going through something (that means everyone :)). Smile, breathe, and go slowly with compassion and love in your heart.