The First Day of Injections - IVF

Brad and I met with Dr. Norion yesterday morning. I had my blood drawn (piece of cake) and then had an ultra sound. The ultra sounds are uncomfortable, but the information that Dr. Norion gets from them is well worth the discomfort. Since stopping my birth control last Sunday (I took it for eleven days), I currently have many bunches of follicles growing on both of my ovaries, which is due to my PCOS. In theory, more follicles means more eggs retrieved, so I'm okay with that. Actually, since being diagnosed with PCOS, I haven't found too many down falls about it (excluding the not getting pregnant naturally part of it). I don't struggle with the most common side effects of PCOS, which are irregular ovulation, irregular periods, and being overweight, so that's good. I do have mild acne, but if you read my last post about that (A New Way of Thinking About the Word "Perfect"), I'm not suffering from the mental impact of it any longer. I'm not letting it bother me. So really, the only "negative" effect of PCOS for me is more follicles on each ovary, which seems like kind of a good thing when undergoing IVF. The more eggs removed, the better. Based on the ultra sound, Dr. Norion said everything looks good and is right on schedule. He decreased one of my medications, which is better than increasing them. I go back in again on Monday. If all looks good then, I'll go back in again on Wednesday and Friday. I'll find out on Friday when my egg retrieval will be.

After reading my last post, one of my really good friends suggested that I ask my doctor if I could use Quest Diagnostics to have my blood work done on Wednesday (the day of the field trip). Since there's  a Quest Diagnostics in the city I live in, and since they open really early, I'd be able to make it to the field trip on time. She's a smarty for sure! Dr. Norion said he'd allow that for Wednesday. HRC has the ability to draw blood there, so they normally don't use Quest Diagnostics, but they can if needed. Yay! And I don't have to pay an additional charge, either (double yay!). If Wednesday is the day that I do need to go in, I'll go to Quest to have my blood drawn in the morning, then go to school, and then go to HRC in the afternoon for the ultra sound with Dr. Norion. That should work beautifully! My mom suggested that I make an appointment with Quest (another smarty), so I could get in and out fast. I won't get my lab slip from HRC for Quest until Monday, so I'll make the appointment then. One of the perks of sharing my story with people is that I get wonderful advice and suggestions!

After meeting with Dr. Norion, Brad and I signed a ton of legal paperwork. Our nurse said that one of her other patients compared the paperwork to purchasing a home. I would have to agree. We were actually given the paperwork at our last appointment, so we had time to look over everything. We couldn't actually sign anything until we came back to HRC because we needed a witness and a notary. The paperwork gave Brad and I a ton to discuss. Since we are freezing any extra embryo that we don't use, and they'll already be fertilized by Brad's sperm, we had to answer questions about what we would do with the embryo if one of us died or if we got a divorce. We had to choose between destroying the embryo, donating the embryo to someone going through IVF, or donating the embryo to research (they'd be destroyed after the research). Heavy stuff. Brad and I were on the same page about our decisions, so the process was smooth. Honestly, whenever I thought about people freezing their embryo, I thought they did it before being fertilized. If that was the case, the woman would own the embryo, so in the case of divorce or the death of the husband, there wouldn't really be a tie to the male, since the embryo hadn't touched the sperm. But IVF is different.

Once the paperwork was all done, our nurse brought out the needles and training kit for how to administer the injections. There was even a fake little ball that was used to represent the part of stomach that would be injected. Our nurse went over a ton of information. Everything was foreign to me. Brad had already planned on administering my injections, so he took really good notes. He's more of the note taker in our marriage anyway. I thought I only was going to be given one injection per night, but it is actually two and then three starting next Wednesday. That surprised me. Our nurse told us to pick a two hour window that was the same every day for administering the injections. We chose between 5:45-7:45 p.m. (no one call us during that time, okay? Just kidding!). When our nurse was mixing the saline and the Menopur, I saw a large needle. I asked if that was the same needle that would be used for the actual injection, and she said no. Thank goodness! A large needle is used to take out saline from a vile, and then to put the saline into the vile of Menopur. Once the Menopur is all mixed, the needle is changed out to a much smaller one. Our nurse showed me a picture of different places I could get the injection, but she said that the legs should be my last choice. I asked if I could ice the area and she said I should for about five minutes. She also said to pinch the skin together, inject the needle, and then let go of the skin before injecting the medication. I also asked if it was okay to let the Menopur rest for about 15 minutes before injecting it. I read on someone's blog that Menopur burns and that letting it rest for a bit took off some of the edge. She said that was okay to try. Oh, she also recommended to let a drop of the Menopur come out of the needle before injecting it. Something about how that first drop seemed to sting the most. Honestly, I heard and saw  everything, but wasn't really processing it as much as I had thought I was (which I found out later that evening when it was time for the injections). I'm so very grateful that Brad took such good notes and was paying attention to everything!

To end the appointment, Brad and I got to pay for IVF. We were expecting the amount (it was given to us at our consultation appointment and by a friend of mine who had gone through IVF), but it was still pretty crazy. We purchased a small car yesterday ;) The cost included the IVF, freezing the extra embryo for a year, ICSI (they're going to hand pick the best sperm and inject it into the embryo that pass the genetic testing), genetic testing, ultra sounds, blood work, and some other things. Paying for everything made it all seem real. I think the paying part is all done for now. We bought all the medication already and then we paid HRC yesterday, so I guess I can keep my purse at home from now on ;)

Follistim Pen all set to inject

Fast forward to last night at around 5 p.m. I started feeling a little anxious about actually getting my first injections. I didn't know what to expect. Would Brad have to use a lot of force to get the needles to go in? Would the needles go in all the way? How long would I feel the medication that was injected for? Would I bruise (I forgot to mention that my nurse said we should switch up injection sites and avoid areas that are bruised and tender) after the first two injections? Once 5:45 p.m. came around, Brad and I went into the kitchen and started unpacking all the goods. Brad organized everything while I helped out when needed. Yep! He's wonderful. There were a ton of needles because we never use the same one again, even for mixing. Brad mixed the Menopur first. Thank goodness he was paying attention about how to put the needles on and do all the other small but very important details. If it had just been me, I don't think I could have figured it out. It was all a bit intimidating. Brad put the saline into the Menopur, swirled it around, and then let it sit.  I iced my stomach while he was mixing. As the Menopur sat resting, Brad put together the Follistim. I remember our nurse saying that was easier than the Menopur, but it still seem complicated to me. At HRC, I thought I had the whole injection thing down, but at home, I was lost and confused! Now I know how my students feel!

Injecting saline into Menopur

Anyway, when Brad was ready setting up the Follistim, he came at me with the needle. He grabbed some of my stomach skin and...I kind of freaked out and pulled away from him. I wasn't ready yet. We decided that me standing up for the injection would be good (I'm going to lie down for the injections tonight though). After a couple minutes, I was as ready as I would be. I looked away and Brad injected the Follistim. I didn't feel the needle going in, but I did feel the medication going in. It wasn't bad, I just felt it. After realizing I could handle it (I knew I could ;)), I was ready for the Menopur. Oh, the only thing we forgot to do before taking the Follistim was wiping my stomach with an alcohol swab. I think that is pretty good for our first time. Brad injected me with the Menopur. I felt that. It felt like Brad was moving the needle around going from side to side. I asked him if he was doing that, and he said the needle was perfectly still. Just as I was about to say, okay, we need to take the needle out, it was done. After the needle was out, I felt uncomfortable. I sat down on the couch for about five minutes while Brad cleaned everything up. I though the injections would be like shots where it burns when the medication is being injected, but then stops burning after the shot is done. Wrong. I felt it for about five minutes. And then, it was gone. I had made it. We had made it.

Later on that night, I asked Brad if he had enjoyed poking me. He said he didn't. I asked him what he had thought about it, and he said he thought it was cool. Ha! Well I'll take cool over dislike any day. 

Today, I have felt sore all day. I didn't want to put my jeans on for work because I didn't want any pressure on my stomach where the injections had been administered. I feel like I did an ab workout yesterday, and I am definitely babying my stomach. I normally let Betty Boo jump up on me (don't judge) when I get home, but not today. I have been working on visualizing my stomach healing. I don't see any bruises. Honestly, it's a little scary thinking about having seven more nights of injections, and doing them on an already sore stomach. I know I'll be okay. I know I'm strong, but those scared thoughts have snuck their way in. I can't help but think about all the women that have done IVF before, many of them having done it multiple times, and about how strong they had to be both mentally and physically. IVF is no walk in the park, but I am so grateful for its existence!

I got a picture this time (just before injection)

My stomach before any injections

Egg Retrieval Medications - IVF

I started birth control last Wednesday and will take my last pill on my birthday this Sunday (what a wonderful present!). Last Tuesday night, I thought about how the birth control pill I'd take the following morning was going to signify the beginning of our IVF process. It was going to be the first day of many where I'd be putting something into my body that I normally wouldn't. It was going to be the day that I would start my positive outlook and acceptance of taking medication. I envisioned being mindful of taking the pill, and thought maybe I'd even take a picture of this meaningful moment. But, come Tuesday morning, I woke up to Betty, our almost one year old golden doodle, throwing up a little grass. She's a sensitive girl, so the throwing up wasn't really a concern, but it definitely wasn't how I had envisioned starting that morning. After cleaning the mess up (and doting on Betty Boo), I went to feed the girls and continue on with my morning, planning on being so very mindful of taking my first pill. Right after I had put the food bowls down, Betty started acting like she was going to throw up again. I tried to get her out the backdoor so she'd make a mess outside instead of inside, but she didn't make it. When I ran back into the kitchen to get a towel, Bailey, our 10 year old labradoodle, was eating Betty's food! Needless to say, things were not going as planned and all of the extra happenings that morning had put me behind schedule of getting ready for work. I grabbed my vitamins and first birth control pill, put them in my mouth, took a swig of water, swallowed, and got dressed for work.

It wasn't until that evening that I realized I hadn't been mindful of taking my pill. No, it wasn't the magical, special moment I had envisioned, but it was okay. No regrets. No feelings of a lost picture opportunity. Apparently, a picture wasn't supposed to happen and I was supposed to get another lesson, an ever so gentle reminder, that I can not plan this path ahead of me. The only thing I have control of are my thoughts, but even those got away from me last Wednesday morning.

Brad and I went and saw Dr. Norion last Thursday. We were given a rough time line of things to come. We also talked about our carrier screening results and genetic testing. Brad's carrier screening results were great. He's not a carrier of any of the 106 diseases that we were tested for.  Mine came back with three things I'm a carrier for. Since Brad isn't a carrier of the things I am, we don't need to genetically test the embryo searching for anything specific. I'm a firm believer in the saying that I'm only subject to that with which I hold in mind, so I'm choosing to not put any further thought into the three things I'm a carrier for.

In regards to the time line we were given, Brad and I get to go back to HRC on the 27th. We'll be taught about how to administer the injections and I'll start those on that same day. I'm actually really looking forward to starting the injections, and who knows, maybe I'll even get a picture this time. Ha! Since I have accepted that I'll be taking medication for IVF, I'm choosing to only think about how they'll be benefiting me in the long run. I am choosing to not look at any possible side effects of the medications, and plan on taking one day at a time. I'll also have blood work and an ultra sound on the 27th. I was able to get my wonderful sub (I just found out yesterday that some students call her Ms. Wonderful) that morning, so that worked out "wonder"fully. In addition to the 27th, I will go back on May 1st for another round of blood work and an ultra sound. At that appointment, I'll find out if the potential May 3rd and May 5th dates I was given are accurate or not. I was able to get Ms. Wonderful for the 1st, too. Yay! The May 3rd and May 5th appointments will be just like the one on the 1st (blood work and ultra sound). They'll be looking to see how my body reacts to the medication. If the dates all stay the same, I could end up having the egg retrieval on May 8th or 9th. Brad and I are going to get a hotel the night before the retrieval because the retrieval is done at the HRC in Pasadena and we don't want to worry about traffic.

The May 3rd appointment, if it happens, will be a little tricky. I am taking my kinders to the bowling alley that morning. The blood work must be done in the AM. I'm going to try my very best to get back from HRC by 8:15 a.m. (they will be open at 7:30 a.m. that morning), but that will be pushing it.  I asked my Franny and Aunt Lorie to go on the field trip (they volunteer and read with my students every single week and my students adore them!) and then I'll meet them at the bowling alley if I'm not back in time before the bus leaves. Franny and Aunt Lorie know all about our journey and they are willing to help me in any way. It worked out perfectly that they're both available and willing to help out on the 3rd. I think I'm going to tell the kinder families (I only have six kinders this year), that I have blood work that must be done, but I'm not going to share the IVF part of it. Honestly, missing some time from work is the part I'm the most uncomfortable with, but I feel like I've waited long enough for IVF, and I don't want to wait another month. Plus, I feel like this is the right time for us.

All the meds!

I received all the medications for the egg retrieval today. Someone had to sign for the box, so I had it sent to my dad's work. I'm his lil'girlis, and I knew he'd take his job of helping me out seriously. Sure enough, I received text messages from him throughout the day today keeping me posted, and when the box arrived, he sent me a picture of it in the shop's fridge. He's one of my biggest cheerleaders for sure, and knows every detail of our journey. I went and picked up the box this afternoon, and when I got it home, I was pretty shocked by its contents! I feel like I have a mini-pharmacy in my house right now!

Well, I feel ready for the 27th. I'm looking forward to the next step and will continue to be mindful of every step of the process. There's more to IVF than I had anticipated, but I don't feel overwhelmed by any of it. I feel calm, excited, optimistic, and confident that I'm staying on the perfect path for Brad and I. Whatever the outcome, it will all be okay because it will play out the way that it's intended. I'm sure I have many more lessons to learn throughout this process, but I'm okay with that, too. The lessons will only make me stronger, and will open up new doors. I'm ready.

The Power of Circle Meetings - Teaching

Circle meetings are a powerful tool that have helped my K/1 students in more ways than I could have ever imagined. I have held a circle meeting every single day this school year, and I can't imagine a day without them. I first learned about circle meetings from the continuing ed courses I took last summer to get my Character Development Certificate. Circle meetings were one of the take aways from the courses that I felt passionate about trying as soon as the new school year began. So this past August, starting day one of the 2016/17 school year, I gave circle meetings a try. As with anything, I have made changes to our daily circle meetings as the school year has progressed, but the meetings have now been fine tuned and are better than I had anticipated.

My six kinder students, nineteen first grade students, one mainstream student, and I begin our morning forming a circle on the carpet. The students actually form their circle while I quickly take attendance. There are some students that enjoy taking the lead and make suggestions to students for how to fill the gaps of the circle. I hear things like, "Jenny, come over here," or, "guys, lets spread the circle out," etc. When I first helped them create a circle, we held hands, but now we don't do that. This group of students prefer to create the circle by moving their own body and not by being pulled by the student's hand next to them. Pulling hands wasn't a problem, it's just something my students decided against. Our circle meetings are very much something that the students get to make decisions about. They all have a voice - we are a classroom family, after all, and families communicate with each other. Forming the circle takes about two minutes.

After the circle is formed, I come over to my spot of the circle (I have a designated spot), and I ask the students to plop down. Then, we think of a body movement we want to use that day for our classroom greeting. A body movement can be anything, and students love giving daily suggestions. Some ideas include flapping arms like birds, holding a pretend umbrella up, making dolphin flukes with hands and moving them. The ideas are normally related to whatever we've been studying in the class, seasons, weather, etc. After they've selected a body movement, I say, "1, 2, 3," and then the students and I say, "Good morning, classroom family." The classroom greeting takes about two minutes.

Then comes the emotion check-in. We have a chart in the class showing different emotions and what a person might look like when they're experiencing that emotion. I numbered the emotions 1-10. 1 is happy, 2 is tired, 3 is excited, 4 is sad, 5 is proud, 6 is hopeful, 7 is loved, 8 is shy, 9 is sorry, and 10 is surprised. I ask the students to think about how they're feeling that morning, and then I say, "1, 2, 3, show me." The students show the number of fingers that represents the emotion they're feeling that morning. If they're feeling an emotion that isn't listed, they hold up a fist. I take note of everyone's signs, and then ask students to put their hand(s) down. Then, I call on a student to start and I ask, "Jenny, how are you feeling this morning?" The student responds with, "I'm feeling _______ because ________." I try to give all students a turn (they'll tell me if I don't call on them :)), but on days when we are really crunched for time, I have the students turn to their neighbor and tell them how they're feeling. Most students only share one emotion, but some students share multiple emotions. I've never experienced a student that took up a ton of sharing time, meaning, I've never had to cut a student off.

The emotions/feelings "happy", "excited", and "sad" are used the most often. "Proud" is common after reading levels have been assessed or Clever certificates have been handed out. "Tired" used to be popular at the beginning of the school year, but after checking out a book from our school library and talking to the students about the relationship between learning and sleep, "tired" lost its popularity. I used to allow students to pass if they didn't feel like sharing, but we talked about that as a class and came up with different things to be happy about, like, "I'm happy because it's a beautiful day today."

The emotion check-in is by far the most powerful part of our circle meeting. I never quite know what the students will share. I've seen quiet a few tears, which always happens right after I ask, "______ , how are you feeling?" It's as if they are touched that someone is taking the time to ask them how they're feeling and really wanting to know. I often think about how adults ask people in passing how they're doing. We ask, "How are you?" as we are walking by, and we normally hear the response of, "Good," or, "Fine," but if we really wanted to know how someone was doing, we wouldn't ask it as we were walking by them. If we really wanted to know how they were feeling, we'd stop, look them in the eye, and ask. Anyway, me asking each student every single school day how they're feeling is important to me. Some of the responses I have heard are, "I'm feeling sad because my cousin died yesterday," "I'm feeling sad because my mom had a tummy-tuck," I'm feeling sad because my dog had surgery," "I'm feeling sad because my mom and dad got in a fight," "I'm feeling sad because my bunny ran away," "I'm feeling sad because my dad went to jail," "I'm feeling sad because my older brother and sister went back to Mexico," etc. The list goes on. I've heard so many happy and excited things, too, but the sad emotions are the ones where true compassion and empathy lessons come into play. Whenever a student shares that they're feeling sad, we give them an air hug by hugging ourselves and sending the hug to that suffering student. We also do that to hurting family members that aren't with us. When students feel trusted enough to have another student share why they're sad with them, something magical happens. There's a deep bond. A bond that connects them to one another and makes them realize that they are not alone. People at school care about their well being and are there for them. When students feel like they can expose their true thoughts and feelings, show who they really are, they find out that they are perfect the way they are. They are not weird for feeling the things they feel. They are not the only ones who think the way they do. They are not the only ones who have experienced loss or a fight between parents. I think they take ownership of their true identity and feel more comfortable in their own skin.

I throw in advice and guide the conversations, but it is the stories the students share with each other that helps to heal the pain. We use "thumbs up" as a nonverbal form of communication. When one of the students shared their cousin died (through his tears), I asked the students how many of them had lost someone or a pet. Almost every single student put up their thumb. They shared things they thought that helped them get through the difficult time. We talked about how this student would need extra kindness throughout the week, and how a warm smile would help him feel better. When one of my students shared that they were sad because their parents were fighting, other students offered stories of how their parents have fought, too. When one of my students shared that she was worried about going to her grandfather's funeral, students shared what it was like when they had gone to one. We encouraged the student to report back about the funeral, and she did.

I could honestly write a daily post about the conversations we have in our circle meetings. I have learned more about my students this year than any previous year and this is my 11th year teaching. Through circle meetings, my students have learned how to identify their emotions, how to self-regulate their thoughts and emotions so they don't get out of control and act them out through a poor choice on campus, how to have empathy and compassion. They've learned how to be a good listener by tracking the speaker and allowing the speaker to finish their comment before adding on. They've learned that although we look different on the outside, we are all so very similar on the inside. We, not just students, have emotions and thoughts. We experience sadness, happiness, etc., and although students are just "kids" and not "adults", their emotions and thoughts are the same size to them that they are to us adults. They need to be heard.

The emotion check-in can take anywhere from 5-15 minutes depending on what topics are brought up. There are so many teachable moments presented by the students sharing! If a circle meeting ends up being quick, I add others things in. Sometimes I read a children's book that teaches about something I've noticed some of the students are struggling with. Sometimes, we do role playing and act out different ways to communicate with our friends about an issue we're having. Sometimes, we have emergency circle meetings if there's something that is affecting the majority of the class and I need their input about it. Every day brings something new.

I am honored that my students feel comfortable enough to share their true emotions, thoughts, and feelings with me and their class, and I feel privileged to help guide them through the process of navigating such complex things. I love being a teacher, and I love my classroom family!

From "Future" to "Present" - Lessons from IVF

I am a planner and take comfort in knowing what is coming up in the future. On the flipside, I love lazy weekends and enjoy the spontaneity of wherever they lead me, but now that I'm thinking about it, hmmm...I actually plan for those types of weekends, too. I plan for the weekends that I have no time frame and can do whatever I'd like to do. Well, there goes the part of my life that I thought I didn't plan. The planning is part of my temperament, though, specifically the "J" in ENFJ, so I embrace it. However, I am quickly realizing that I can't plan for IVF as much as I would like to.

When we first began our IVF journey, the nurse gave us a "get to do" list (saying "have to do" is negative, and since all that I "get to do" is a choice, I don't say "have to do" as much anymore). I tackled that "get to do" list and was excited to do so. I don't write lists on paper, I tend to put them in my notes on my laptop or cell phone. Anyway, walking away with a list made me feel like I was prepared and ready for the future of our IVF journey. The ball was in our court, now. I added things to our list based on our consultation. We "got to" get lab work done (check), call two prescription companies that HRC uses and see if they offer a teacher discount (check - and no, they don't), call Kaiser and see if there was any possibility of them covering anything in regards to IVF (check - and no, they don't), research online about whatever questions popped into my head about IVF (check - and still ongoing), etc. After the first list was complete, we went back to HRC for the SHG and then carrier screening test. From there, I got a new get to do list: contact Counsyl, the company that does the carrier screening, to see if they take Kaiser (check - and no, they don't), email all lab results to our nurse at HRC as they came in (check), etc.

Now that my get to do lists are all done from HRC, and I've done all that I can as far as making sure there weren't any loopholes to try and get some of the IVF covered through insurance, I feel like I'm in limbo land. I called our nurse yesterday, and asked her to give me a timeline. I asked about how we get the medications. I asked about when we'd get to see Dr. Norion again. She was quite patient with me and said that they'll tell me what to do every step of the way, but that they'll tell me as we go, instead of all at once. She said it was kind of hard for planners. She gave me a possible calendar outline, but warned that there are so many variables that will be in play (how my body reacts to the medication, HRC's schedule, etc.) that the dates would more than likely be off. I debated about whether or not I should wait to do the egg retrieval until summer time, so I'd be off from work, but Brad and I decided to do it right away, so that we can implant over summer (we are more than likely doing a frozen transfer, so the transfer won't be done the same month as the retrieval). One of the nurses said the implantation time is the best time to have the least amount of stress, so summer would be ideal.

Back to the phone call with our nurse, she told me that I will take birth control as soon as I start my next period (day two of my cycle actually), which is in about a week or so. I will only be taking the active birth control pills. I'll take those for 10-12 days. I asked who decided on the 10-12 days, and she said that it was dependent on HRC's schedule. In regards to us getting to talk to Dr. Norion again to ask him a few questions and to go over the Counsyl results (we haven't received them yet but should by the end of next week), our nurse said we could come in at the end of next week and meet with her and get a hard copy of a calendar and then meet with Dr. Norion.

After the 10-12 days of birth control, I'll go into HRC and learn about the medications I'll be taking for another two weeks. Brad will go to that meeting with me, so he can learn about how to administer the injections I'll be needing. I'll be monitored throughout the process, via ultra sounds and blood work, but I won't know those dates to come in until I start that medication. There is no way to plan. As one of the nurses put it, they'll be taking over my cycle (I think I mentioned that in a previous post, which I welcomed at first), which takes the control and scheduling part out of my hands. All that's left to do is be present. Live day by day.

As a teacher, I have a specific substitute that I like to use. I normally always give her time in advance of dates I'll need her to sub for me, so I can make sure she's available. I love that she knows my students, and I love that they love her. She's simply wonderful! She's aware of the journey I'm on right now. What does a substitute have to do with IVF and planning? Well, since I can't necessarily plan for the days that I'll be going in for ultrasounds, blood work, the retrieval, etc., I won't be able to give my go to sub the dates in advance. Therefore, I might not be able to get her as a sub. It is time to let that go. I like to control who I get as a sub, part of my "J", because it brings me comfort knowing who is with my students. However, I'm going to give up that control in this situation. I'm going to ask her to sub for me when I find out I'll need her, but if she's not available, I'll get another sub and it'll be okay. It'll all be okay. I don't need to plan everything - I can't. I can do it. I can live day by day learning about my schedule as I go. I won't be gone very long - it'll just be a couple hours, and it'll be about three days total (minus the actual retrieval). But even that three day thing, I don't know for sure. I don't know for sure about any of this journey except that I am sure I am on the right path. I am sure everything has lead me to exactly where I need to be, and that is enough.

Now that I'm thinking about planning in regards to IVF and getting pregnant, I realize I have come full circle. I had originally planned to be pregnant much earlier in life, and when that didn't pan out, I had no other choice with the path that I took next to let go of the planning. Since Brad and I chose to try naturally for quite some time (after the age I thought I'd be pregnant passed), I couldn't plan to get pregnant every month - I just waited every month to see if it happened. As the years passed, planning for a baby slipped away. But now that we are on this IVF journey, and I was able to plan and have some control at the beginning of it, and I tasted what it was like to plan in regards to getting pregnant again, that planning attitude came back eagerly. It felt nice to feel like I was in control again. But, this IVF journey is not going to be something I can control and/or plan for. I went from Plan to Can't Plan to Plan and am now at Can't Plan again. That's okay. Instead of Can't Plan, maybe it should be called Present. And from that perspective, I guess it was actually Future to Present to Future to Present. Present is where I am and I keep getting pushed back to that place. Living in the future causes me anxiety because there are too many unknowns. Too many variables that I can't control or foresee. I do best living in the moment.

I think Jason Mraz says it best in his song, "Living in the Moment."

Living In The Moment

Jason Mraz

If this life is one act
Why do we lay all these traps
We put them right in our path
When we just wanna be free

I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about all the things
That will not happen to me

So I just let go of what I know I don't know
And I know I only do this by
Living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home
Living in the moment

I'm letting myself off the hook for things I've done
I let my past go past
And now I'm having more fun
I'm letting go of the thoughts
That do not make me strong
And I believe this way can be the same for everyone

And if I fall asleep
I know you'll be the one who'll always remind me
To live in the moment
To live in my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I can't walk through life facing backwards
I have tried
I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I'd been searching for
But I spun around and hurt no more
By living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I'm living in the moment
I'm living my life
Just taking it easy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
I got peace in my soul
Oh, wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I'm living in the moment
I'm living my life
Oh, easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
I got peace in my soul
Oh, wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I'm living in the moment

Songwriters: JASON MRAZ, RICK NOWELS

© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

For non-commercial use only.

Data from: LyricFind

Carrier Test - IVF

Brad and I had a blood test yesterday that checks our DNA to see if we're carriers of any inherited health conditions. "Think of carrier screening as another routine exam - kind of like an ultrasound for your genes....looks to see if you have irregularities in your genes that could affect your baby's health," (Counsyl). The results of the test can help our doctor figure out which kind of genetic testing we should have done on our embryo after the eggs are harvested. We could have had the test done using our saliva, which is what we had originally planned on, but one of the nurses at HRC said that if there isn't enough DNA in our saliva, they'd have to do the test again. I've been embracing needles lately and looked at this blood draw as yet another opportunity to lean into whatever my body was feeling. The nurse was awesome and I barely felt a thing! I practiced my deep breathing and on controlling my thoughts. I didn't sit down thinking, "this is going to hurt." Instead, I sat down and thought, "I'm going to feel whatever I feel and breathe through it. I have a high tolerance of pain." I used to hold my breath in anticipation of the pain, and then when I felt the pain, I'd try to avoid it and not think about it, which never helped. Now that I breathe and lean into the feeling of the needle and not try to avoid anything, the pain goes away. I'll have plenty of opportunities to continually practice this during my injections.

Now that we have chosen to move forward with IVF, I'm more open to the other science that comes along with it. I'm open to the carrier screening (obviously) and I'm open to the genetic testing. I figure since we're turning to science to help us on our infertility journey, that I might as well take advantage of all of it. Oh, except for the knowing if we're going to have a girl or boy part. Brad and I both agree that we don't want to pick between implanting a boy or a girl...we just want the healthiest one being implanted. Some people choose to do the genetic testing because it allows you to know the gender, but our doctor said that we can choose not to know that even if we do the testing. Personally, I would love a boy or a girl, and right now at this point in my life, I'm not comfortable with picking an embryo based on the gender. Brad feels the same way, but I honestly think he'd be okay with knowing the gender, he's just being supportive of me.

Brad has been nothing but supportive throughout this IVF process. Since I process new information by talking or writing, Brad has heard so many of the inner debates that go on inside my head (as well as my mom and therapist). I have the stay away from medicine and go as natural as possible side and then I have the might as well take advantage of all the modern medicine side (and I almost forgot the save money side). The sides butt heads and Brad ever so patiently listens to me process them. He's honestly supportive of whichever route I choose to go with, and I can't thank him enough for that. He doesn't cause me unneeded stress and quite honestly, the only disagreements we've had throughout our IVF journey so far is about our different views on nutrition. He helps ground me. I'm so grateful for him!

So now we are waiting for the results of our carrier screening and some additional blood work. Sometimes I can't believe that we are in the midst of IVF. We have talked about it for years, and it has always been our last resort. Now that we're here, it feels like we are nearing the end of a six year journey of trying to get pregnant. IVF is the last thing to try as far as modern medicine goes. I'm not sure where this path is going to lead us...towards becoming parents of a child we gave birth to, towards becoming parents of an adopted child, towards peace and acceptance of not having any children...I don't know. But I don't have to know. For now, I'm going to enjoy the ride and live in the moment. I'm going to feel the emotions, I'm going to feel the medication, I'm going to feel the procedures, I'm going to feel the anticipation, I'm going to feel it all. And I'm going to try my very best to not have any attachments to the outcome and trust that we're being lead to where we're meant to go.

Am I Strong Enough?

Sometimes I wonder if one of the reasons I haven't gotten pregnant is because I'm not strong enough emotionally. Before losing my dearly beloved golden retriever, Brandy, last year, I often thought about if I'd be able to handle it when Brandy and Bailey passed away. I thought about how they were like my children, only in dog form, because I took care of them in a motherly way. I fed them, bathed them, thought (worried) about them, nurtured them, loved them, talked to them, made sure I gave them the attention they needed, etc. As they started getting older, I would think about how my life might be different without them, and those thoughts always brought me to tears. I couldn't bare the thought of losing either one of them. They were my buddies.

When the time came for Brandy to leave last year, it was as bad as I had thought, but there were things I learned from her loss that I hadn't anticipated. When Brandy was diagnosed with cancer last summer, I wouldn't leave her side. All I wanted to do was to be with her every last second. Of course, we took her to a specialist and they offered us an exploratory surgery option, but knowing my Brandy, that would have put her under too much stress. She hated being away from us, and hated vets even more. She would have had to stay in the hospital for about a week to "recover". I still vividly remember how much it hurt having her be taken into the back room of the vet's office while we spoke with the vet about her different options. All I wanted to do was to hold her in my arms and never let go. I wanted to console her and tell her everything would be okay, and that I would always love her. When they brought her back to us, she ran to me and I cried as I hugged her. Brad and I both knew that exploratory surgery wasn't what she'd want, so we took her home and monitored her quality of life. I remember thinking that giving humans the choice to end a life was cruel - how would we really know when the time had come to have someone put her to sleep? What if it was too early? What if she would miraculously recover?

My therapist told me that dogs will hang on longer than they should for their owners. Even if they are ready to pass away, they will hang on a little longer. I remember telling Brandy that I didn't want her to stay for me, and that I'd be okay, but I didn't really believe I'd be okay. I remember telling her that she could leave when she was ready and to show us signs. A couple days later, she stopped eating. I had been making her chicken, rice, and eggs - all of her favorite foods. When she turned away those things, and wouldn't get up, we knew that was her form of communication saying she was ready.

My therapist also told me about a mobile vet service that would come to your house and put your dog to sleep for you. I couldn't bare the thought of taking her to the vet, and not being able to hold her as she took her very last breath. The mobile vet idea aligned with Brad and I. Brad called the vet and they came to our house that same evening. When they arrived, they explained that they would sedate her and then put her to sleep. Brad and I were able to console Brandy, which meant the world to me, and Bailey was able to be with us, too, which helped her. To this day, she has never once looked for Brandy. She knew that was the last time she'd see her in this life time. I remember sobbing into Brandy's fur, squeezing her so tightly, whispering consoling things into her ear. I also remember hoping that the tears I shed on her would miraculously heal her and that she'd get up and be her usual self.

After she had passed, the vet service took her away, with her doggy bed, blanket, and favorite stuffed Eeyore. They were going to cremate her with Eeyore. Brad took care of the paying part, etc., because I was a wreck! I went outside in our backyard and threw the tennis ball to Bailey. Then, Brad came back inside and we took Bailey for a walk. That was my first animal loss. I had lost family pets, but Brandy was my own dog. I didn't know how to mourn her loss, so I did what I do best - I talked. I talked about things I'd miss about Brandy. I talked about how special of a soul she was. I talked about how much we loved how Brandy would run down the hallway to get a stuffed animal and bring it back to us when we walked in the house each time. I talked about how Brandy used to make a "hungry dog" noise (that's what we called it anyway) when she was waiting for us to put her food dish down for her. I talked about how Brandy loved to sunbathe under the pine trees in our backyard, and about how cute she was when she chewed on the pinecones holding them ever so gently with her adorable paws. I talked about how Brandy's snoring always brought me comfort. I talked about how Brandy was always there for me when I was at my lowest points - on those days each month when I started my period (instead of getting pregnant). I talked about how she was there for me from the very beginning of our infertility journey, and about how she used to let me hold her and cry into her fur never moving until I was done, which was normally after I had soaked her fur with my tears. I talked about how Brandy used to "flea bite" her stuffed animals and make cute grunting noises. I talked about how she loved all food, especially fruits and vegetables, and about how she could hear the sound of a banana being cracked open from anywhere in the house. I talked about how she'd be fast asleep in our bedroom, and then suddenly wake up when Brad was opening a banana for his breakfast and run down the hall into the kitchen expecting a piece of banana. I talked about how she used to love being groomed by Brad and I and would lay upside for hours while we brushed her. I talked about how she had the cutest butt hairs, how she had swag when she walked, and about how she always found water in a gutter or shade to walk through on our daily walks. I talked about how she would let me dress her up. I talked about how she was a part of our daily routine, and that I loved everything about her. I talked about what it would be like without her. When we got back home from the walk, the house seemed sad. I didn't want to be in it anymore. I could no longer say, "girls", and I no longer heard Brandy's footsteps coming down the hall. I no longer heard her snoring next to me. I no longer could stare into her eyes and wonder what she was thinking. I could no longer be in our living room and feel comfort because I would always look at the spot in the living room where she had been put to sleep.

The next day, I fell apart. I cried for about a good week, and when I wasn't crying, I was on the verge of tears. Brad was so supportive during that time, and he never once rushed my mourning process. He was sad, too, of course, but it took me longer to get back to reality. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to do anything. Losing Brandy broke me. Brandy took a piece of my heart. What lessons did I get out of the experience? Well, I learned that life does go on, and that everyday does get better. I learned that I am stronger than I had thought because losing Brandy didn't kill me. I learned that loved ones that have passed away are always with you in your thoughts and heart. I learned to be grateful for the time that I get with Bailey and our new dog, Betty. I learned that my heart could expand and love a new dog without replacing the love that I have for Brandy. I learned that worrying about Brandy passing away before the time came didn't benefit my life in any way - in fact, it stole some of the time that I actually had with her. Instead of focusing on the moment while I had her in my life, I was worried and fearful of the future.

What does that have to do with me not getting pregnant?  Sometimes I think about how much love I had/have for Brandy, and she was only a dog (not a human that I had given birth to). Is it possible to love something even more and to see them get sick, to see them get hurt, and to see them suffer and it not break me? Am I strong enough emotionally to experience what being a mom of a human entails? Seeing things suffer causes me internal pain, as if I was experiencing the pain right along with them. Will I be in pain when my child is, and if so, will I be strong enough to handle that pain or will I break?

Learning what I have learned from Brandy, I choose to focus on the present moment. Worrying about if I'm strong enough doesn't benefit me because I will never truly know until that moment gets here. Worrying about anything takes away from the present moment. I am robbing myself of something sacred - the present. I am strong. I am strong. I am strong.

A New Way of Thinking about the Word "Perfect"

Growing up, I always strived to be perfect. I set the bar high for myself and wasn't happy unless I met it. My "bar" regarding my image was one that brought me more suffering than any other. I had an image of how I wanted to look. I wanted perfect, flawless skin. I wanted the perfect movie star body. I wanted the perfect hair; every strand in place. Those wants and visions turned into what I strived for, and when I didn't have flawless skin or wasn't happy with my body, I felt less than and not good enough. I wasn't "perfect" so I couldn't be happy.

My skin was my greatest challenge, and it is still something I consciously work on daily. It never looked the way I wanted it to, and it haunted me. It was an inner struggle that I allowed to control much of my life. I couldn't help but notice everyone's skin as I walked around. I thought things like, "Why am I the only one with bad skin?" "What did I do to deserve this?" It affected how I interacted with people. I didn't like to make eye contact with people because I was worried that I'd catch them looking at one of my blemishes. I often wished for cloudy days because sunny days seemed to put me in the spotlight when I all I really wanted was to not be seen.

It wasn't until I learned that I could control my thoughts, that things started changing. I chose to not see myself as imperfect any longer. I chose to say affirmations like, "My skin is flawless." "I easily make eye contact with people." "I am comfortable in my skin." I chose to not let my skin define me. I chose to not care what people thought about my appearance. I chose to see myself as perfect the way I was and to be kind to myself.

Today, my face is by no means flawless, but it no longer controls my life. I no longer will put whatever I can on my face to clear it up, like harmful, drying chemicals. I choose to put things on my skin that I feel good about and to nourish my skin.  Over the last couple of years, my skin has really changed (for the better), and I think it's because I don't look at my skin with hatred anymore. I look at it lovingly and take care of it instead. I am not my skin. I worked hard to overcome my perfectionism regarding my physical appearance, and when I notice perfectionist thoughts coming up, I challenge them. Negative thoughts don't benefit me.

Earlier today, I was thinking about perfectionism and the journey I've had with my face, and I made the connection that my perfectionism has come back again, but it has shown up in my infertility journey. I have made a ton of growth these last couple of years and no longer ask things like, "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?" (the same types of questions I asked when I was struggling with my skin), but I am still struggling with perfectionism. I was able to catch the languaging like the questions I just mentioned, and challenge those thoughts, but there are other perfectionism behaviors that I am finding.

Perfectionism and food: I label foods as "good" and "bad", especially for fertility. I want to eat and take in the best ingredients so that I can get pregnant (and so that I can be healthy - but primarily so I can get pregnant). I say that I believe in moderation, but in terms of food, that has been more of a challenge for me. I have a difficult time enjoying something that's not organic or something that has artificial ingredients in it. I think I'm trying to eat "perfectly", but it is causing me anxiety. It's taking away my ability to enjoy all food. When looking at healthy, clean eating from a wholeness viewpoint, eating well benefits me. It helps my body feel better. It gives me more energy. It is a hobby that I get much enjoyment out of, and I'm quite passionate about it. It benefits the greater good because I'm not supporting farmers that inject their animals with growth hormones and antibiotics, etc. However, when I allow food to cause me anxiety, that no longer benefits me. I have been mindfully working on this the last couple of weeks, but I didn't make the connection to perfectionism until today. Now that I'm aware that's what I was/am doing, I can start to challenge my thoughts. I am not going to change the way I eat at home because that's food I buy from the grocery store and/or farmer's markets, rather, I am going to change my thoughts about food when I'm away from home. When I go out to eat or when I go to a party, I'm going to challenge the thoughts that I used to allow. I'm going to let myself off the hook and let myself eat something that doesn't necessarily align with the type of food I buy and make at home. I'm going to enjoy it and not feel bad about it.

Perfectionism and conception: I created the perfect image in my head of how I'd get pregnant the natural way. Not in my wildest dreams did I think I'd need to get outside help.  Well, now that we are by moving forward with IVF, I have had thoughts come up like, "I am not getting pregnant the preferred or "perfect" way." I didn't really notice those thoughts, they were subconscious ones that were giving me a bad feeling about IVF. The thoughts made me feel like I failed at getting pregnant the "perfect" way and they made me feel less-than. Now that I've identified that those thoughts are there lingering, causing me pain and feelings of inadequacy, it's time to challenge them. Brad and I are going to conceive the perfect way for us. Every couple is unique and different. There's so much that impacts fertility. Although I've heard many stories about IVF (and other methods of conception), no story is 100% the same. Each story is perfect, though. There's no one perfect way...they're all perfect ways.

Perfectionism has the tendency to sneak up on me. It is something for me to be mindful of. I truly believe that we are all perfect the way we are. If "perfect" is one way of something, and everyone became that form of "perfect", then we'd all look the same and have the same stories. My old definition of "perfect" went away from uniqueness and authenticity, all of which are things that I value. Huh...I guess there's no "perfect" to strive for because everyone's path is the perfect path for them. And as my favorite saying goes, it's all unfolding PERFECTLY!