Growing up, I always strived to be perfect. I set the bar high for myself and wasn't happy unless I met it. My "bar" regarding my image was one that brought me more suffering than any other. I had an image of how I wanted to look. I wanted perfect, flawless skin. I wanted the perfect movie star body. I wanted the perfect hair; every strand in place. Those wants and visions turned into what I strived for, and when I didn't have flawless skin or wasn't happy with my body, I felt less than and not good enough. I wasn't "perfect" so I couldn't be happy.
My skin was my greatest challenge, and it is still something I consciously work on daily. It never looked the way I wanted it to, and it haunted me. It was an inner struggle that I allowed to control much of my life. I couldn't help but notice everyone's skin as I walked around. I thought things like, "Why am I the only one with bad skin?" "What did I do to deserve this?" It affected how I interacted with people. I didn't like to make eye contact with people because I was worried that I'd catch them looking at one of my blemishes. I often wished for cloudy days because sunny days seemed to put me in the spotlight when I all I really wanted was to not be seen.
It wasn't until I learned that I could control my thoughts, that things started changing. I chose to not see myself as imperfect any longer. I chose to say affirmations like, "My skin is flawless." "I easily make eye contact with people." "I am comfortable in my skin." I chose to not let my skin define me. I chose to not care what people thought about my appearance. I chose to see myself as perfect the way I was and to be kind to myself.
Today, my face is by no means flawless, but it no longer controls my life. I no longer will put whatever I can on my face to clear it up, like harmful, drying chemicals. I choose to put things on my skin that I feel good about and to nourish my skin. Over the last couple of years, my skin has really changed (for the better), and I think it's because I don't look at my skin with hatred anymore. I look at it lovingly and take care of it instead. I am not my skin. I worked hard to overcome my perfectionism regarding my physical appearance, and when I notice perfectionist thoughts coming up, I challenge them. Negative thoughts don't benefit me.
Earlier today, I was thinking about perfectionism and the journey I've had with my face, and I made the connection that my perfectionism has come back again, but it has shown up in my infertility journey. I have made a ton of growth these last couple of years and no longer ask things like, "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?" (the same types of questions I asked when I was struggling with my skin), but I am still struggling with perfectionism. I was able to catch the languaging like the questions I just mentioned, and challenge those thoughts, but there are other perfectionism behaviors that I am finding.
Perfectionism and food: I label foods as "good" and "bad", especially for fertility. I want to eat and take in the best ingredients so that I can get pregnant (and so that I can be healthy - but primarily so I can get pregnant). I say that I believe in moderation, but in terms of food, that has been more of a challenge for me. I have a difficult time enjoying something that's not organic or something that has artificial ingredients in it. I think I'm trying to eat "perfectly", but it is causing me anxiety. It's taking away my ability to enjoy all food. When looking at healthy, clean eating from a wholeness viewpoint, eating well benefits me. It helps my body feel better. It gives me more energy. It is a hobby that I get much enjoyment out of, and I'm quite passionate about it. It benefits the greater good because I'm not supporting farmers that inject their animals with growth hormones and antibiotics, etc. However, when I allow food to cause me anxiety, that no longer benefits me. I have been mindfully working on this the last couple of weeks, but I didn't make the connection to perfectionism until today. Now that I'm aware that's what I was/am doing, I can start to challenge my thoughts. I am not going to change the way I eat at home because that's food I buy from the grocery store and/or farmer's markets, rather, I am going to change my thoughts about food when I'm away from home. When I go out to eat or when I go to a party, I'm going to challenge the thoughts that I used to allow. I'm going to let myself off the hook and let myself eat something that doesn't necessarily align with the type of food I buy and make at home. I'm going to enjoy it and not feel bad about it.
Perfectionism and conception: I created the perfect image in my head of how I'd get pregnant the natural way. Not in my wildest dreams did I think I'd need to get outside help. Well, now that we are by moving forward with IVF, I have had thoughts come up like, "I am not getting pregnant the preferred or "perfect" way." I didn't really notice those thoughts, they were subconscious ones that were giving me a bad feeling about IVF. The thoughts made me feel like I failed at getting pregnant the "perfect" way and they made me feel less-than. Now that I've identified that those thoughts are there lingering, causing me pain and feelings of inadequacy, it's time to challenge them. Brad and I are going to conceive the perfect way for us. Every couple is unique and different. There's so much that impacts fertility. Although I've heard many stories about IVF (and other methods of conception), no story is 100% the same. Each story is perfect, though. There's no one perfect way...they're all perfect ways.
Perfectionism has the tendency to sneak up on me. It is something for me to be mindful of. I truly believe that we are all perfect the way we are. If "perfect" is one way of something, and everyone became that form of "perfect", then we'd all look the same and have the same stories. My old definition of "perfect" went away from uniqueness and authenticity, all of which are things that I value. Huh...I guess there's no "perfect" to strive for because everyone's path is the perfect path for them. And as my favorite saying goes, it's all unfolding PERFECTLY!
