From "Future" to "Present" - Lessons from IVF

I am a planner and take comfort in knowing what is coming up in the future. On the flipside, I love lazy weekends and enjoy the spontaneity of wherever they lead me, but now that I'm thinking about it, hmmm...I actually plan for those types of weekends, too. I plan for the weekends that I have no time frame and can do whatever I'd like to do. Well, there goes the part of my life that I thought I didn't plan. The planning is part of my temperament, though, specifically the "J" in ENFJ, so I embrace it. However, I am quickly realizing that I can't plan for IVF as much as I would like to.

When we first began our IVF journey, the nurse gave us a "get to do" list (saying "have to do" is negative, and since all that I "get to do" is a choice, I don't say "have to do" as much anymore). I tackled that "get to do" list and was excited to do so. I don't write lists on paper, I tend to put them in my notes on my laptop or cell phone. Anyway, walking away with a list made me feel like I was prepared and ready for the future of our IVF journey. The ball was in our court, now. I added things to our list based on our consultation. We "got to" get lab work done (check), call two prescription companies that HRC uses and see if they offer a teacher discount (check - and no, they don't), call Kaiser and see if there was any possibility of them covering anything in regards to IVF (check - and no, they don't), research online about whatever questions popped into my head about IVF (check - and still ongoing), etc. After the first list was complete, we went back to HRC for the SHG and then carrier screening test. From there, I got a new get to do list: contact Counsyl, the company that does the carrier screening, to see if they take Kaiser (check - and no, they don't), email all lab results to our nurse at HRC as they came in (check), etc.

Now that my get to do lists are all done from HRC, and I've done all that I can as far as making sure there weren't any loopholes to try and get some of the IVF covered through insurance, I feel like I'm in limbo land. I called our nurse yesterday, and asked her to give me a timeline. I asked about how we get the medications. I asked about when we'd get to see Dr. Norion again. She was quite patient with me and said that they'll tell me what to do every step of the way, but that they'll tell me as we go, instead of all at once. She said it was kind of hard for planners. She gave me a possible calendar outline, but warned that there are so many variables that will be in play (how my body reacts to the medication, HRC's schedule, etc.) that the dates would more than likely be off. I debated about whether or not I should wait to do the egg retrieval until summer time, so I'd be off from work, but Brad and I decided to do it right away, so that we can implant over summer (we are more than likely doing a frozen transfer, so the transfer won't be done the same month as the retrieval). One of the nurses said the implantation time is the best time to have the least amount of stress, so summer would be ideal.

Back to the phone call with our nurse, she told me that I will take birth control as soon as I start my next period (day two of my cycle actually), which is in about a week or so. I will only be taking the active birth control pills. I'll take those for 10-12 days. I asked who decided on the 10-12 days, and she said that it was dependent on HRC's schedule. In regards to us getting to talk to Dr. Norion again to ask him a few questions and to go over the Counsyl results (we haven't received them yet but should by the end of next week), our nurse said we could come in at the end of next week and meet with her and get a hard copy of a calendar and then meet with Dr. Norion.

After the 10-12 days of birth control, I'll go into HRC and learn about the medications I'll be taking for another two weeks. Brad will go to that meeting with me, so he can learn about how to administer the injections I'll be needing. I'll be monitored throughout the process, via ultra sounds and blood work, but I won't know those dates to come in until I start that medication. There is no way to plan. As one of the nurses put it, they'll be taking over my cycle (I think I mentioned that in a previous post, which I welcomed at first), which takes the control and scheduling part out of my hands. All that's left to do is be present. Live day by day.

As a teacher, I have a specific substitute that I like to use. I normally always give her time in advance of dates I'll need her to sub for me, so I can make sure she's available. I love that she knows my students, and I love that they love her. She's simply wonderful! She's aware of the journey I'm on right now. What does a substitute have to do with IVF and planning? Well, since I can't necessarily plan for the days that I'll be going in for ultrasounds, blood work, the retrieval, etc., I won't be able to give my go to sub the dates in advance. Therefore, I might not be able to get her as a sub. It is time to let that go. I like to control who I get as a sub, part of my "J", because it brings me comfort knowing who is with my students. However, I'm going to give up that control in this situation. I'm going to ask her to sub for me when I find out I'll need her, but if she's not available, I'll get another sub and it'll be okay. It'll all be okay. I don't need to plan everything - I can't. I can do it. I can live day by day learning about my schedule as I go. I won't be gone very long - it'll just be a couple hours, and it'll be about three days total (minus the actual retrieval). But even that three day thing, I don't know for sure. I don't know for sure about any of this journey except that I am sure I am on the right path. I am sure everything has lead me to exactly where I need to be, and that is enough.

Now that I'm thinking about planning in regards to IVF and getting pregnant, I realize I have come full circle. I had originally planned to be pregnant much earlier in life, and when that didn't pan out, I had no other choice with the path that I took next to let go of the planning. Since Brad and I chose to try naturally for quite some time (after the age I thought I'd be pregnant passed), I couldn't plan to get pregnant every month - I just waited every month to see if it happened. As the years passed, planning for a baby slipped away. But now that we are on this IVF journey, and I was able to plan and have some control at the beginning of it, and I tasted what it was like to plan in regards to getting pregnant again, that planning attitude came back eagerly. It felt nice to feel like I was in control again. But, this IVF journey is not going to be something I can control and/or plan for. I went from Plan to Can't Plan to Plan and am now at Can't Plan again. That's okay. Instead of Can't Plan, maybe it should be called Present. And from that perspective, I guess it was actually Future to Present to Future to Present. Present is where I am and I keep getting pushed back to that place. Living in the future causes me anxiety because there are too many unknowns. Too many variables that I can't control or foresee. I do best living in the moment.

I think Jason Mraz says it best in his song, "Living in the Moment."

Living In The Moment

Jason Mraz

If this life is one act
Why do we lay all these traps
We put them right in our path
When we just wanna be free

I will not waste my days
Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about all the things
That will not happen to me

So I just let go of what I know I don't know
And I know I only do this by
Living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home
Living in the moment

I'm letting myself off the hook for things I've done
I let my past go past
And now I'm having more fun
I'm letting go of the thoughts
That do not make me strong
And I believe this way can be the same for everyone

And if I fall asleep
I know you'll be the one who'll always remind me
To live in the moment
To live in my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I can't walk through life facing backwards
I have tried
I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I'd been searching for
But I spun around and hurt no more
By living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
Got peace in my soul
Wherever I'm going, I'm already home

I'm living in the moment
I'm living my life
Just taking it easy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
I got peace in my soul
Oh, wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I'm living in the moment
I'm living my life
Oh, easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart
I got peace in my soul
Oh, wherever I'm going, I'm already home
I'm living in the moment

Songwriters: JASON MRAZ, RICK NOWELS

© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

For non-commercial use only.

Data from: LyricFind