Brad and I had a blood test yesterday that checks our DNA to see if we're carriers of any inherited health conditions. "Think of carrier screening as another routine exam - kind of like an ultrasound for your genes....looks to see if you have irregularities in your genes that could affect your baby's health," (Counsyl). The results of the test can help our doctor figure out which kind of genetic testing we should have done on our embryo after the eggs are harvested. We could have had the test done using our saliva, which is what we had originally planned on, but one of the nurses at HRC said that if there isn't enough DNA in our saliva, they'd have to do the test again. I've been embracing needles lately and looked at this blood draw as yet another opportunity to lean into whatever my body was feeling. The nurse was awesome and I barely felt a thing! I practiced my deep breathing and on controlling my thoughts. I didn't sit down thinking, "this is going to hurt." Instead, I sat down and thought, "I'm going to feel whatever I feel and breathe through it. I have a high tolerance of pain." I used to hold my breath in anticipation of the pain, and then when I felt the pain, I'd try to avoid it and not think about it, which never helped. Now that I breathe and lean into the feeling of the needle and not try to avoid anything, the pain goes away. I'll have plenty of opportunities to continually practice this during my injections.
Now that we have chosen to move forward with IVF, I'm more open to the other science that comes along with it. I'm open to the carrier screening (obviously) and I'm open to the genetic testing. I figure since we're turning to science to help us on our infertility journey, that I might as well take advantage of all of it. Oh, except for the knowing if we're going to have a girl or boy part. Brad and I both agree that we don't want to pick between implanting a boy or a girl...we just want the healthiest one being implanted. Some people choose to do the genetic testing because it allows you to know the gender, but our doctor said that we can choose not to know that even if we do the testing. Personally, I would love a boy or a girl, and right now at this point in my life, I'm not comfortable with picking an embryo based on the gender. Brad feels the same way, but I honestly think he'd be okay with knowing the gender, he's just being supportive of me.
Brad has been nothing but supportive throughout this IVF process. Since I process new information by talking or writing, Brad has heard so many of the inner debates that go on inside my head (as well as my mom and therapist). I have the stay away from medicine and go as natural as possible side and then I have the might as well take advantage of all the modern medicine side (and I almost forgot the save money side). The sides butt heads and Brad ever so patiently listens to me process them. He's honestly supportive of whichever route I choose to go with, and I can't thank him enough for that. He doesn't cause me unneeded stress and quite honestly, the only disagreements we've had throughout our IVF journey so far is about our different views on nutrition. He helps ground me. I'm so grateful for him!
So now we are waiting for the results of our carrier screening and some additional blood work. Sometimes I can't believe that we are in the midst of IVF. We have talked about it for years, and it has always been our last resort. Now that we're here, it feels like we are nearing the end of a six year journey of trying to get pregnant. IVF is the last thing to try as far as modern medicine goes. I'm not sure where this path is going to lead us...towards becoming parents of a child we gave birth to, towards becoming parents of an adopted child, towards peace and acceptance of not having any children...I don't know. But I don't have to know. For now, I'm going to enjoy the ride and live in the moment. I'm going to feel the emotions, I'm going to feel the medication, I'm going to feel the procedures, I'm going to feel the anticipation, I'm going to feel it all. And I'm going to try my very best to not have any attachments to the outcome and trust that we're being lead to where we're meant to go.
