The 14 Day Wait - IVF

This past "Transfer Tuesday" was and always will be my very first frozen single embryo transfer (SET). I don't know if the future holds more transfers, but the first transfer, I imagine, will always be near and dear to my heart. Tuesday went as well as I had hoped for (minus one small packing error on my part), and for the last couple of days since the transfer, I've been hanging out at the house taking good care of my body and what it holds inside.

Just like with the egg retrieval, Brad and I stayed the night in Pasadena the day before the transfer. I have a small fear of traffic (I'm working on overcoming/accepting it :)), and I didn't want to cause unneeded worry about the high likelihood of traffic Tuesday morning, especially if I could avoid it. Yes, I could have worked on controlling my thoughts and envisioned Brad and I getting to HRC on time (and left the house really early in the morning), but experimenting on transfer day didn't seem appealing. Plus, staying in Pasadena for the night allowed for more sleeping time, which I am always a supporter of. We left town in the late afternoon. We dropped off the girls at my parent's house, got gas, and then hopped on the freeway. Before we had left, I made sure to get all the meds I would need. I needed both injections that night. I checked, and double checked to make sure that we had the correct sized needles, too. About 30 minutes into our drive, I remembered that I had forgotten one of my vaginal insert pills (along with my deodorant, raw almonds, and disinfectant wipes for the hotel room). I briefly contemplated skipping the evenings pill, but Brad immediately exited the freeway and turned around to go home.

At home, Brad gave me my two injections. I grabbed a heating pad pillow and the other things I had forgotten. I must admit that I was kind of glad I had forgotten one of my meds and needed to go home because of it. Why? Because if I hadn't, I would have received my injections in a hotel room. Brad and I have the injection thing down now: 1. First, I heat the marked injection site (I keep track of the side of my body the injection is on by writing it on a calendar) while Brad gets everything ready; 2. Next, I stand on a short step stool and put all my weight on the side that isn't getting the injection (the stool allows the side that is getting injected to hang in the air and have loose muscles); 3. Then, Brad sanitizes the injection site on my skin by using an alcohol wipe, and we wait a little bit for my skin to dry (I had my blood drawn at HRC when my skin hadn't dried yet and it burned badly!); 4.  After drying, I do deep breathing and stare out our kitchen window while Brad administers the injections; 5. Then, Brad finishes by massaging the injection site to get the progesterone and estrogen to absorb well; 6. Finally, I put heat on the injection site while Brad cleans up. Like I said, we have it down now. And, it doesn't hurt as badly anymore (yay!). Forgetting that one med was a little gift from the Universe.

After we made it to Pasadena, we had dinner, and then checked into our hotel. We didn't stay in the same hotel as the one for the retrieval (we couldn't get a room on short notice after the transfer date had been changed), but it had windows that I could open for fresh air, so it was just as good. We watched some Netflix, and then went to sleep. I didn't sleep as well as I had the night of the retrieval, but I woke up feeling rested and ready for the transfer nevertheless. I think that my subconscious was a little worried about going back to HRC because the last time I was there was for the painful TAP procedure. I think that I made a connection between HRC and pain that I hadn't realized, and the unrecognized and unacknowledged thoughts kept me awake for a bit.

Right before acupuncture and the transfer

Brad and I arrived at HRC at 5:55 a.m. We went up to the third floor (the same place as the retrieval) and checked in. I wasn't quite sure where to meet Ryan, our acupuncturist, but when I spoke with a nurse at HRC, she knew him and told me to wait in the transfer room and she'd send him in when he arrived. The transfer room was across the hall from the retrieval/TAP operation/procedure room. It looked like a regular OBGY-N room, and had calming music playing. Ryan came in a couple minutes later and introduced himself. He was even nicer in person. The good vibe I got from him when we spoke over the phone was accurate. I absolutely loved him! He actually reminded me of Dr. Norion (authentic, compassionate, extremely smart, and quirky). He told me that he'd administer the acupuncture treatments in the same room as the transfer and on the same bed. He shared that he'd put a needle in both of my feet, in both of my wrists, one at the top of my head, and two in each of my ears. I asked for the thinnest acupuncture needles (because my normal acupuncturist always uses the smallest ones on me) and he said he'd use the thinnest ones he could that wouldn't change the results of the study. The study he was referring to was in regards to a higher success rate of a positive pregnancy test if acupuncture was done 30 minutes before and after an embryo transfer. My acupuncturist back at home said that the study was done ten years ago and then again recently, and the results were the same.

Acupuncture before transfer (the lights were off)

Because I had heard that Ryan was a traditional acupuncturist, meaning he used regular sized needles and wasn't as gentle as what I'm used to, I was a little nervous about what the first needle poke would entail. He started with the needles in my feet, and I must admit that it wasn't as painful as I had imagined. He did have a unique way of inserting the needles, especially the ones in my ear. He set the needle up and then softly hit/tapped the top of it to get it inserted into my skin. If someone had explained that method to me before actually experiencing it, that may have made me cringe a little (like when Brad was instructed to give my inner muscular injections like a dart), but the technique wasn't any more painful than what I was used to. After the needles were in, he left the room for a couple minutes. I did my visualizing and drank water. I was supposed to have a full bladder by 6:30 a.m., so I made sure to drink a ton. Brad had to bring the water over to me so I could sip it through the straw while I was laying down with the needles. I'm not a huge fan of moving around when I have needles sticking out of me. After a couple minutes, Ryan came back in an twisted each needle to create an electric wave so to speak. That was a different method than I was used to. He said that I should feel a strong sensation as he moved each needle. Some needles created more sensations than others. If I winced at all, he apologized right away and reminded me to breath deeply. He said that he doesn't like telling people to relax because that normally does the opposite for people. I couldn't have agreed more! And something crazy about the breathe deeply thing was that I had just bought my dad and I matching My Intent bracelets that said "Breathe Deeply" on them, and I was wearing mine! Ryan repeated the process of turning the needles every five minutes or so. I think he stopped around 6:30 a.m. (my bladder was comfortably full by then). I was so darned relaxed! I felt like I was slurring a bit when the nurse came in and asked me to undress from the bottom half down. Acupuncture is good stuff! I didn't want to get up from my relaxed, naturally drugged state, so Brad helped me out. He even put on the well loved blue bear paw slipper socks that I'm so fond of from HRC.

6AA

After getting undressed, Dr. Norion came in and gave us a picture of our embryo. He said that the embryo had thawed beautifully and had actually grown from a 4AA to a 6AA! A little tear slipped out of my eye and ran down my cheek as I heard that - a tear of joy and excitement. The picture of the embryo looked like a blob, but it was a beautiful blob because it was something that was a part of Brad and I. It was half of Brad's DNA and half of mine. Going off track for a quick second, embryo's amaze me! Just the thought that eggs can be removed from a woman's body, fertilized by a man's sperm in a petri dish, and then grow outside of a woman's body for six to seven days, truly blows my mind! Thinking specifically of our six embryo, they have endured so much already. They are strong and I'm so grateful for their strength and wonder. Back to the transfer, after talking for a bit, Dr. Norion got all set up for the transfer. It was a quick procedure, one that I had already done back in March (I think) called the Mock Transfer. The only true discomfort I experienced was while my cervix was being cleaned with a cotton swab. It pretty much reminded me of having a pap smear. My body did tense up due to the feeling of the cotton swab, but I think I was relaxed enough during the transfer itself. After getting me set up, Dr. Norion asked the nurse to call the embryologist and bring in my embryo. When she came in with the embryo, I tried to sneak a peak of how it was delivered, but I couldn't see anything. Later, I asked Brad what it looked like and he said that it was a small vile/tube of some sort. Dr. Norion inserted my embryo into the center of my uterus. Brad held my hand the entire time. Dr. Norion encouraged me to imagine my body melting into the bed I was on. I could have watched the entire thing on the monitor next to me because an external ultra sound was going on simultaneously, but I didn't want to freak myself out by seeing a long needle contraption moving around in my body. I didn't look at the screen until Dr. Norion had placed the embryo in my uterus. The embryo was a little white blur. He then waited to hear back from the embryologist if any of the embryo had gotten stuck in the tube (that part was a little confusing to me), and when he was given the all clear, he removed everything, and told me I could get up to use the restroom after 10 minutes.

First time seeing 6AA inside my uterus

6AA in my uterus after transfer (white blur)

After 10 minutes had passed (Brad was my time keeper), Brad told me I could get up. To be honest, I didn't really want to get up. Once I had seen that little white spot, the embryo that Brad and I had created, placed inside my uterus, I didn't want to get up and cause it to move around, but I really had to use the restroom (all that water had added up!) and I decided that Dr. Norion must have known what he was talking about when he said that I could get up after 10 minutes. I got up, used the restroom, and then came right back to the room for another round of acupuncture. It was the same as the one done before the transfer, and was just as relaxing and calming.

After the acupuncture, I was told that I could leave. That was it. I was sent home with a floating embryo inside of me (yikes!) and told to wait it out for 14 days. Dr. Norion and one of the papers I was sent home with, said to rest for about a week. There isn't any real research proving if bed rest for 48 hours after the transfer is better than not resting, but Dr. Norion encouraged me to hang out around the house and watch movies. One of the papers said to put my feet up, too, so I did that for a couple days as well.

Today, Friday, is the first day since the transfer that I felt okay about going out for a short, slow, walk with the girls. I think me doing research was helpful with that. Over the last week, I found out (from the highly intelligent internet) about the different stages that my embryo would hopefully go through this week. I learned that after a day or two from the transfer, my embryo would attach itself to the lining of my uterus. And then, a couple days after that, it would implant into my uterus. Knowing the stages, gave me detailed things to visualize. For a couple days after the transfer, I visualized my embryo attaching itself to my lining, getting all snuggly with it. I affirmed sayings such as, "My embryo attaches itself easily to the lining of my uterus." "My uterus provides a safe, nurturing, loving environment for my embryo." "My body welcomes 6AA (formally known as 4AA)." I meditated and as I did, I kept my hands on my belly in the shape of a heart sending my embryo and body lots of love and encouragement. Yesterday and today, I've been visualizing my embryo implanting in my uterus. I have added to my affirmations and visualizations.

I have been consciously working on my thoughts trying to make them as positive as possible, but I have had my share of negative, worrisome thoughts, especially Tuesday-Thursday of this week. I was worried about coughing too much because I didn't want to move the embryo away from the lining of my uterus...what if I coughed right when it was trying to attach to the lining? I was worried about getting up and walking around the house because I didn't want to shake up the embryo. I think a good analogy for what I pictured my embryo in my uterus being like was a snow globe. If the snow globe was moved, the embryo that was resting at the bottom of it would bounce all around and get discombobulated. I certainly didn't want that to happen. I know that the majority of women's embryo implant while they're doing their normal day to day activities, and everything is all good for them, but actually knowing that the implantation is hopefully going to happen this week (or maybe already has) is a little rough to navigate. Sometimes, not knowing is nicer than knowing because there's nothing to worry about if you don't know it's happening in the first place. Ignorance is bliss?

Because July 1st (the day I was supposed to have my pregnancy test) is on a Saturday, I won't take my pregnancy test until July 3rd. I am a very patient person and can handle waiting for things, but this 14 day wait has more riding on it than normal things I've waited for in the past. I must admit that I'm not my normal, chipper, upbeat self. I am positive and believe that everything is unfolding perfectly, but I find myself holding my breath more (thank goodness for meditation and constant reminders to breath) and thinking constantly about 6AA and the progress that it could or could not be making. I'm not quite sure what I had expected to feel emotionally after the transfer. I guess I hadn't really thought about it because I was in the moment. Now that the transfer is done and the waiting game is here, my emotions are on high alert. Physically, I feel great (minus the tight muscles at the injection sites) - way better than after the retrieval, but mentally, I'm a little reserved and cautious. Honestly, I think the decreased chipperness is due in part to my attachment of what I'd like the outcome to be. I think I'm more attached to the outcome being a positive one than a negative one (pretty sure that's normal, too), and because I don't know what will happen on the 3rd, that's weighing heavily on my heart. I think next week I'll do more things to distract myself. Not being in school this week has been lovely because I have been able to relax around the house, but working always keeps my mind busy. I get absorbed in my work and the days go by quickly. Without work, I have more time to think about things. I can only meditate, visualize, and read so much (I'm reading a wonderful book right now!). Normally, I'd clean the house, go to some hot yoga, run errands, bake, take the girls for a long walk, etc., but I can't really do those things right now. This is new to me, which means there is room to grow and learn. I'm being gently pushed towards trying new things and getting out of my comfort zone. Maybe I'm also being pushed towards feeling at peace at any given second regardless of what I do or do not know. Yes, maybe that's it. New affirmations: I feel at peace in this moment. I release any attachments to the outcome on July 3rd. I create my own happiness.

To end, something I've been thinking about lately is about how many women are walking out and above actively going through IVF... How many women are walking around with sore booties or tummies from injection sites? How many women are walking around thinking about how many of their eggs are going to fertilize and mature? How many women are walking around thinking about if their transfer was successful or not? How many women are walking around waiting to have a miscarriage removed? How many women are walking around thinking about what their next step will be after a failed embryo transfer? If one in eight couples experience infertility, then I know there are lots of women out there. I know everyone experiences pain and suffering at one time or another, and if we all treated each other like we knew their life story - if we treated them like a close friend that had shared their personal journey with us, if we gave out compassion without expecting anything in return and looked into each others' eyes with kindness, love, and acceptance, then I believe the world would be a better place. Everyone has a journey, and we all would greatly benefit from someone giving us a warm smile in passing, a cut in line at the store, the benefit of the doubt when accused of something, a compassionate hug, a sincere I-acknowledge-your-existence glance, etc. We don't know what everyone has and is going through, but we do know that everyone has and is going through something. Right now, Brad and I are going through IVF. My heart goes out to everyone that has and is going through something (that means everyone :)). Smile, breathe, and go slowly with compassion and love in your heart.

Transfer Tuesday - IVF

Our transfer day is almost here! It was originally scheduled for Monday (tomorrow), but there was a counting error back when the first calendar was made for me. I need to be on progesterone shots for five days before the transfer, and Monday would have been only four. We didn't find out the date was changed until we were driving home from Dr. Norion's office last Wednesday afternoon, and our nurse called to let us know. There were a couple changes to be made on our end because of the date change (hotel change, dog sitting night change, etc.), but it was all good. The transfer date is meant to be this Tuesday. Besides, I wouldn't be able to say "Transfer Tuesday" if it had been on Monday, and I'm pretty much in love with that name. The only thing I wanted to double check with my nurse about was that the embryo wasn't going to be thawed a day early (she assured me it wouldn't be - phew!).

Since my last blog post, I've had one more appointment with Dr. Norion (the one last Wednesday), started new meds, had two rounds of acupuncture, set up acupuncture before and after the transfer, had one appointment with my therapist, and have had two hormone driven tiffer-taffers with Brad (that's what I call our disagreements). At my appointment last Wednesday, Dr. Norion said everything looked great. I don't see him as many times as I did before the egg retrieval because I'm not taking the same medications. From my understanding, I'm taking a ton of hormones in all different forms (oral, injections, vaginal inserts), which is supposed to be preparing my body to accept 4AA on Tuesday. There's not too much to monitor. My nurse mentioned that on Transfer Tuesday, it'll be like I've already been pregnant for two weeks. I didn't ask for additional information about that, but I'm assuming the two weeks part is because of how far along the embryos got before they were frozen and because of the stage my body will be at on Tuesday. I was also informed that I get to take the daily progesterone injections for 8 weeks after the transfer (given I receive a positive pregnancy test).  That's a ton of injections!

After talking to Dr. Norion and my acupuncturist last week, I decided to call the acupuncturist in Pasadena that will come to HRC before and after the transfer. I had been going back and forth about actually having it done. Honestly, acupuncture causes me a little anxiety as the needles are being inserted. My hands get clammy and my heart beats faster than normal. I never know what to expect with the needles. In some spots, they hurt, and in others, they don't, and it can change with each session. After the needles are in, I calm down and get the full benefits from the acupuncture treatment, which is why I do it, but I couldn't decide if I wanted to experience anxiety before the transfer. As I often mention, I work hard at controlling my thoughts and on my breathing, but the feelings of the needles are still there. I haven't mastered feeling the pain and not contracting my body in response to it, but I know it is much better than it would be if I didn't breathe and accept the pain. Dr. Watkins, my acupuncturist, told me that the acupuncture before and after the transfer will be different than the acupuncture she uses for me normally because the needles will be targeting different areas that are specifically for the transfer. She doesn't travel to Pasadena for treatments, but she has heard of the doctor I'll be using on Tuesday. She said that the treatment before the transfer will help decrease any cramping I could experience during the transfer, and will help increase blood flow. The less my body contracts from pain during the transfer, the better. I called the acupuncturist out in Pasadena last Friday. I decided that if he was able to come for the transfer, then I would use him, but if he couldn't, I would be okay with that.

I instantly got a good vibe from him over the phone. He was nice, patient, and didn't act as if he was doing me a favor by coming at such an early time on Tuesday. In fact, he offered to email HRC and ask what time they wanted him to get there. He made less work for me, which I greatly appreciated! My transfer is at 6:45 a.m. on Tuesday. We will arrive at 5:55 a.m. and have the acupuncture right before the treatment. I am supposed to have a full bladder before the transfer (I'm not sure why, but I'll do whatever I'm told to do in regards to IVF), but since I'll be arriving so early, I can drink tons of water starting at 6 a.m. instead of arriving with a full bladder and hope that my bladder is full by around 6:30 a.m. The acupuncturist said that we don't need to meet ahead of time, although I offered to come out on Monday. He said that since I'm already experienced with acupuncture, he doesn't need to see me for a consult. At this point, needles and I are very close to each other. They are a part of my daily life, and a few extra needles on the day of the transfer that could potentially increase my chances of success by 40% of the percentage Dr. Norion gave me (which was about 65%), are worth it. It was easy to make the appointment, so I'm taking that as a sign that it was meant to be.

Starting last Thursday, I added a daily shot of progesterone (another intramuscular booty injection), a six day pack of 21 oral pills, and two different vaginal inserts. The pills and inserts are fine, but the progesterone injection is no walk in the park. One of my friends that went through IVF said that she got knots in her backside from the booty injections, and had tight muscles. I didn't experience the knots with the estradiol that I started back on June 1st (I take that injection every third day), so I thought that I'd be fine with the progesterone. It was going in the same area as the estradiol and it was actually a thinner needle. Well, it turns out that I can get knots. I started the progesterone last Thursday and I am still working on mastering the whole acceptance part of the pain. Last Friday, I got to have both shots in one day. That night was a little rough for me. I braced myself against the counter like I had been doing for the estradiol. Brad injected the needle like a dart, and as soon as it went in, my leg involuntarily kicked out in front of me. Brad told me to stay still as if I had done it on purpose, but I shared that the leg kick had not been by choice. He was able to complete the injection, but I had one more to go (the estradiol) in the same side and area. It took me a few minutes to do some deep breathing (Brad talked me through that since I kind of panicked) and then he injected the estradiol. After the injections, Brad massaged the injection sites and then gave the sites a feel better kiss. He has so much compassion for me, and he encourages me every step of the way. The progesterone injection sites are pretty knotted up and sore. I have bruises, too. However, I'm choosing to believe that it'll get better as time goes by, and that my booty muscles will get used to the daily injections and loosen up.  If 4AA takes, and I stay pregnant, I will continue to get daily shots until I graduate from seeing Dr. Norion (10th week appointment). If I do end up having a baby, and that baby grows up and says something in their teenage years like I don't love them or I didn't want them, I will refer them to this blog. No, I don't love injections, but I love what they could lead to, and all the pain I'm experiencing now is worth whatever outcome I get. If I get a baby from the pain, yay, but if I don't get a baby, the pain has taught me that I can endure more than I had ever imagined, and that Brad and I can get through anything together.

Speaking of getting through anything together, all the hormones have made me a little more emotional than normal. Not crying emotional, but more intense in my feelings of my opinions emotional. Brad and I had two tiffer-taffers that normally wouldn't have bothered me so much, and that I would have easily gotten over especially since I got my way in the end, but because of the hormones (at least that's what I'm sticking to anyway), I got more heated and was more upset. Brad never once brought the extra hormones up during our tiffer-taffers, thank goodness. But other than those two times, I think I've been doing pretty well (and I think Brad would say the same thing, too - I hope).

I recently read an article Daily OM that talked about worrying. "Worry is a self-created state of needless fear." "Worrying does nothing to ensure a positive outcome and it has an unpleasant effect on your body, mind, and spirit." The article said that instead of worrying about something,  like your family getting home safely from a trip, you can envision them traveling safely instead and being protected every inch of the way. "Next time you find that your are worrying, imagine the best result instead of anticipating the worst outcome." The article made me think about the transfer. I could easily worry about the transfer not working out, but that won't change the outcome and it won't benefit anyone, especially me and 4AA. After I read the article, I envisioned 4AA being thawed in a safe, protected environment. I envisioned it being handled with care, and being ready for me on Transfer Tuesday. I envisioned 4AA being transferred smoothly into my body, and my body easily accepting it. I envisioned my body and 4AA being compatible. I envision those things on a daily basis.

Mentally, I'm feeling strong and ready. I get many daily opportunities to practice and apply the things I've learned. I'm not avoiding any thoughts or emotions. I'm taking them head on, and thinking them through. I'm continuing to stay positive and to remind myself that I'm on the right path. I'm smiling, breathing, and going slowly (that was on a greeting card last week and it was there at the perfect moment). Positive pregnancy test or not (I get to take my first pregnancy test on July 1st), I am truly blessed to have the life that I do. And I will not give up hope that something wonderful is about to happen. I'm ready for you Transfer Tuesday! Let's do this!

5 Girls and 1 Boy - IVF

I hadn't realized how nervous/excited I was about finding out the results of the genetic testing until I received the phone call from my nurse with the results. She started by telling me that we had six genetically normal embryo (Dr. Norion said to expect between 4-9) and then asked if I wanted to know each of their genders. Brad wasn't with me at the time of the call, but I figured it would be okay if I found out how many girls and boys we had before him (besides, I just couldn't wait!). My nurse said that we had five girls and one boy. I immediately started tearing up with tears of excitement and relief. I then asked if the highest graded embryo (our 4AA) was one of the genetically normal ones and she said that it was. I told her not to tell me the gender of "4AA" because we were planning on transferring that embryo first and we wanted the gender to be a surprise. In all of my excitement, I didn't think to ask about the grades of the other five embryo. We had a couple that had a lower grade than the rest, and I wanted to know if those had come back as genetically normal or not. I called back and asked my nurse, and found out that the other five embryo were our next highest graded ones (good news!).

I was super excited to tell Brad the news when I got home! I was optimistic about the number of genetically normal embryo we'd get back, but there was still a thought in the far back of my mind that was nervous about what the actual number would be. I kept that thought buried in the darkness so that it didn't cause me anxiety, but I instantly felt a sense of relief when I heard the number six. Brad was happy to hear the results when I got home, too. We went out to dinner that night to celebrate the good news. We allowed ourselves to talk about different possible baby names - something that we hadn't talked about in many, many years. We also talked about if we wanted to know the gender of "4AA" or not.  Originally, we had decided that we'd let the embryologist pick the best embryo to transfer, but now that the results were actually available to us, we went back and forth about wanting to know what "4AA" was. As of today, we still don't want to know if "4AA" is a boy or girl, but who knows if that will change.

The first booty shot

Yesterday, I had my first ultra sound and blood work for the embryo transfer. I was on birth control for a couple weeks, and stopped it this last Sunday (per my nurse's directions). Dr. Norion wasn't in yesterday, but his assistant still did the ultra sound and sent the pictures to Dr. Norion. She said that my lining was thin (which was good) and my ovaries were still a little swollen. After the ultra sound, Brad and I met with our nurse. She said that we were going to move forward with starting the medication for the embryo transfer, as long as my hormone levels from the blood work came back normal, and she gave us paperwork to complete. Then, she gave us directions for how to administer the first medication. For the embryo transfer, I get to have booty shots, as opposed to tummy shots. When she was showing us how prepare the medication, I couldn't help but notice that the needle seemed thicker and longer than the needles that we used for my tummy shots. My nurse said that it was because it needed to reach my muscle, but it wasn't that much larger. Yikes! She said that instead of grabbing the skin before injecting the needle, Brad should stretch my skin and then inject the needle like a dart, getting the needle all the way into my skin. I kept telling myself, "I've got this. I've got this," but in the back of my mind, I was feeling a little intimidated. My nurse told Brad that after the needle was in, he should pull the top part out a little to see if any blood comes into the syringe because if it does, that meant that he hit a vein (now that freaked me out a little!). If there was blood, Brad should pull out the needle and try somewhere else. Nothing bad would necessarily happen, I guess the medication just wouldn't absorb as well. Brad asked about where exactly to administer the shot on me, so my nurse pulled out a permanent marker and drew a circle on my body. No, I wouldn't normally write on my body with a permanent marker because the ink absorbs into my skin, but I felt like this was a good time for an exception.

All the meds for the embryo transfer

 After the directions for medication, we went over important upcoming dates. I don't get monitored as much this time around, so I will only go in one more time for an ultra sound and blood work before the actual transfer. I'll go in on the 14th and then the transfer will be on the 19th. Wow! I can't believe that the transfer is going to be this month! Technically, I'll be pregnant as soon as the embryo is transferred, so at the very least, I can say that I have been pregnant, which is something that I will be so very grateful for. We'll have a two week waiting game to see if my body accepts the embryo or not. I am planning on doing my positive affirmations and visualizations constantly. "My body easily accepts "4AA"." ""4AA" is strong and healthy." "My body is calm and relaxed." I will visualize the embryo being welcomed by my body and send my body loving thoughts. I can't wait!

I have been cautiously optimistic on this journey. I don't allow myself to get too excited nor too worried (at least that's what I work hard to do anyway). I try and take things as they come and feel them as they are, not exaggerating them. I tend to get super excited about things, but with super excitement can come super disappointment. With this journey, I am consciously working on coming at it from a different approach. Obviously, I want to get pregnant and to stay pregnant, but I am not in control of that. Me getting super excited about becoming a mom right now at this stage of our journey, won't benefit me. In fact, it will take away from me enjoying the experience of everything right now. Right now, I am not a mom to a human. Right now, I am a soul taking advantage of modern science and using it as a tool to see if it can help me become a mom. Right now, I am in the middle of a trial. Right now, I am doing my due diligence, working towards something I feel is right for me, but I don't know if it truly is. Only time will tell as my future is presented to me. It will all be okay because it is all unfolding perfectly. It is not my job to control my future, merely to stay present and do the best that I can.

Last night, after my nurse called and said that my hormone levels were good, and Dr. Norion approved the ultra sound picture, Brad administered my first booty shot. I used a heating pad for about 15 minutes prior to the injection. I stood in the kitchen bent over a bit holding onto the edge of the counter. I put all my weight on the opposite side of the injection site. I did my deep breathing and reminded myself to feel what I was about to feel, rather than thinking and worrying about what I thought it was going to feel like. Once Brad administered it, I noticed that I didn't really even feel the needle going in, but I did feel it while it was there. It was like a charley horse. My muscle got really tight and started throbbing. The needle stayed in for a bit because Brad had to check and see if there was blood or not (there wasn't - yay!). After Brad took the needle out, I heated the area for another 15 minutes, and went on with the night. I was grateful that there wasn't a stinging/burning sensation like there had been with some injections, and I was grateful that I didn't shed a single tear. Brad is a pro at administering my injections and there's something about him doing it that brings me a feeling of calmness. These particular booty shots are done every three days, so I have tonight and tomorrow night off. I was actually a little happy about the injection last night because it meant that we were moving forward and getting closer to the transfer date. To be honest, I think I was holding my breath a little about if I my body was going to be ready this month or not since it had been through so much with the retrieval. Once my nurse called us last night and said that everything was good with the blood work, I took a deep breath, the deepest breath I had taken all day.

Injection site

I have four additional medications that I'll be adding to my regimen before the 19th, but I can see the finish line now. I am going to continue taking good care of my body focusing on getting it ready for "4AA" taking it one day at a time. I am so very grateful for IVF and the opportunity that it is giving us. It is easy to not look forward to things like injections and to think negatively about spending the large amount of money that IVF has cost us so far, but when I stop and think about it, each of those things is a part of IVF and IVF is giving us a chance to make something truly amazing!