1st Trimester - IVF

Having gone through six years of not getting pregnant, I had mentally prepared myself for things like not ever being a mom, adopting, or going through infertility treatments. I had wrapped my head around those options always knowing that I would try all the avenues of becoming a mom that felt right to Brad and I before choosing the not being a mom route. The thing I hadn't prepared myself for, though, was becoming pregnant and staying pregnant.

IVF seemed like a whirlwind. There was always something to do. Always an appointment to go to, always an injection to have administered, always research to be done, always chatting with friends who had gone through similar experiences, always a next step, etc. The days passed by quicker than I had thought, and being busy helped keep me from thinking too much. Since I had planned for IVF mentally (as much as one could), I think I handled my emotions about it all pretty well. I enjoyed blogging about my experience, in hopes that I could help someone else going through infertility, and I liked the comfort and peace I felt from my family and friends knowing the details of our journey.

After finding out that I was actually pregnant (wow!), I struggled emotionally with the following weeks. Honestly, I was more prepared for not getting pregnant from our first round of IVF, than I was for getting pregnant. With each passing day after the first positive pregnancy test, I grew more and more scared that I would lose the baby. I wasn't my peppy, cheery self. I was much more fearful about the experience and Googled more than I should have. I was grateful for the congratulations from my family and friends, but I never truly felt like congratulations were in order since I feared that at any second, I would lose the baby. I had heard and read too many IVF journeys about other people. I think I took their journeys on thinking that their stories were my stories. If I read that someone had a miscarriage after their first ultrasound (which I did read on an IVF blog), I feared that that would happen to me. I actually felt sad before my first ultrasound because I remember thinking that I would have a miscarriage after it, since that had happened to someone else. I was in a strange place. Once I realized I was doing that, I would tell myself, "that is not my story." I didn't want to hear or read about anyone else's stories because I knew I wasn't mentally strong enough at that point in my life to not allow a bad ending to scare me.

The core of who I am - the me that believes so much in the power of positive thoughts and affirmations, meditation, deep breathing, controlling your thoughts, trusting that my path is unfolding perfectly - was challenged. I thought I was strong and ready for IVF. Maybe I was ready for IVF, but I definitely wasn't ready for pregnancy and all the "scares" that came/come along with it.

I've had a few scares since my first positive pregnany test. At week 5, I had some spotting when I went to the restroom. I was at lunch with a friend. I remember being shocked when I saw the blood on the toilet paper, and then I instantly began mourning the loss of my pregnancy. My thoughts spiraled out of control. Within seconds, I was already thinking about the next possible date I could try another round of IVF. I pulled myself together, told my friend that I needed to leave (it was right at the end of lunch, so the timing was perfect - although using the word "perfect" when talking about this story seems strange...), and we walked out to the parking lot. As soon as I got into my car, I called HRC. I wasn't crying when I called, but I started to when the receptionist told me that the nurse I had asked for wasn't available. When I started crying, she transferred me to another nurse, Cynthia. I explained what had happened, expecting that she'd say to come in for an ultrasound right away. Instead, she said that I was probably okay and that it could have been implantation spotting, that I should go home and put my feet up for a couple days, hydrate, and come in for an ultrasound at week 6 (two days after the spotting). She calmed me down and didn't say anything that scared me, which was good since I was in a fragile state. For the next two days, I rested and rarely got up. I didn't know what the spotting meant, but I knew that I would do exactly what the nurse had told me to do. I watched a ton of TV and distanced myself from the social media world and from Google.

The week 6 ultrasound was our first one since two positive blood pregnancy tests. I was extremely nervous. I rocked myself back and forth on the exam bed while we waited for Dr. Norion to come in. Brad tried to distract me, but I had lost control of my thoughts and they were running wild (in a negative direction). Dr. Norion walked in and said that I was six weeks pregnant and due on March 8th. That didn't mean too much to me...I just wanted to know if my baby was still alive. He did a vaginal ultrasound and explored with the camera for hours before saying anything - okay, it wasn't hours - it was only a couple of seconds, but that's what it felt like because I was holding my breath the entire time waiting for him to say something. When he finally did speak, he said there the baby was and asked if we wanted to hear the heartbeat. I was shocked that there was a baby in my belly, AND that we'd be able to hear the heartbeat! I read that people can sometimes hear the heartbeat at week 6, but often it's too early for that. When I heard the heartbeat, I felt a wave of emotions, mostly of relief and then absolute amazement. I looked over at Brad, and his mouth was hanging open. I had dreamed about the day that I would hear my babies heartbeat, and I finally was! It was incredible! Dr. Norion said he didn't see anything that could have caused my spotting, so that was good. We set up another ultrasound for the following week. He told me to take it easy. I was a high risk pregnancy because of the spotting (not the best thing for me to hear).

After the ultrasound, Brad and I were happy, but we were still on edge (or maybe that was just me). I felt much better about everything after I heard our babies heartbeat, but almost immediately after we left HRC, I started feeling like I was going to lose the baby again. I was happy that everything was okay at the time of the ultrasound, but I wanted a way to know 24/7 that 6AA was still alive. I didn't feel like blogging about our first ultrasound. I didn't feel like sharing good news that I was sure would turn into bad news. I was in a dark place during a time that very well "should" have been exciting, happy, and good. Fear took over much of me. I put "should" in quotation marks because I don't believe in "shoulds" when looking at the past because that is regretting something that has already happened. I rarely use the word "should" (except when I'm in a dark place) and it feels strange when I do use it. I almost always correct myself when I say it. That dark place was where I was meant to be. It was a part of my journey that was unfolding perfectly.

Throughout week 6, I started feeling really nauseas and developed some pretty intense food aversions. Going to the grocery store was an interesting experience for Brad and I during that time. The contents of the cart were very unlike me. I walked down the aisles while Brad followed me. I grabbed things I'd never normally buy - cinnamon toast crunch (okay - it was organic and wasn't your normal cinnamon toast crunch because it was from Clarks, but it was still a box of cereal), plain white bagels (no seeds!), salted crackers, pretzels, and ginger ale. It was a cart full of carbohydrates and no color. Where were the fruits and vegetables? Where was the raw milk and raw cheese? Nope, I wasn't feeling any of it. I thought I'd eat perfectly if I ever got pregnant, but once I experienced "morning sickness", that went out the window. And really, "morning sickness" is so very misleading! I felt sick all day. No, it was not like the movies (which is where I got my idea of how morning sickness would be) - I wouldn't throw up in the morning and then feel better for the rest of the day. I never threw up and still haven't. I remember waking up early in the morning begging Brad to go get a box of cereal for me. I ate some cereal and woke up hugging the box closely to my chest a couple hours later. Week 6 was strange.

At week 7's ultrasound, Brad and I decided that we wanted to know if 6AA was a girl or a boy. Originally, we had wanted to find out at the time when "normal" pregnant women find out, which is week 16 (I think??), but we talked about how we weren't "normal" and that we might as well take advantage of that perk of genetic testing. After hearing 6AA's heartbeat again at the week 7 ultrasound, and getting a good report back from Dr. Norion, we asked the gender.....we're having a girl! Honestly, I didn't care about the gender (or so I had thought), but after hearing it was a girl, I was really excited! I allowed myself to think about cute girl clothes and going to the princess tea event that my friends took their daughters to this year. Brad was excited about a girl, too! I had wanted to do a small gender reveal, since I had seen so many gender reveals of Pinterest over the past six years, but when it finally came down to it, I wasn't feeling up to a party. I ended up ordering a golf ball from Amazon and had Brad hit it in the backyard. Pink exploded out of it! It was a Kodak moment for sure.

Weeks 7-9,  I still felt poorly and had no interest in my favorite restaurants (no La Volata?????). I just wanted to sleep all day so I didn't have to feel sick any longer. Oh, and I was still getting daily injections into my booty. I felt bad for myself and still let fear take over me, even though things were going well with our little girl. I still wasn't in the place where I would allow myself to think too much about what life would be like with our little girl because I was so fearful of losing her. If I didn't think about the fun we'd have, I wouldn't hurt as much if I lost her (that's what I told myself). Being nauseas and fearful, and then getting a daily injection was more mentally challenging that I had thought. I often cried at injection time because I couldn't handle the pain any longer and I was feeling down. When Brad was gone for business, one of my wonderful personal nurses - Jill, Kirsten, or Dana (okay - they're not my personal nurses, but they might as well have been because they dropped everything and helped give me my injections at 5:30 p.m. on the days I needed them) came over and gave me my injection. I made myself be stronger when they were there, so I never cried in front of them (sorry, Brad).

At week 9's ultrasound, Dr. Norion gave us another good report. Our baby girl was making nice progress. I started back at school during week 9, which I was nervous about because I didn't know how my nausea would be and I didn't know if I was going to overdo it. I'm used to giving 110% of myself to teaching, but when I wasn't feeling 100%, I wasn't sure if I could do it. I did get to share at our back to school staff meeting that I was pregnant. I have been teaching for twelve years, and I can't tell you how many times we've come back from summer break, and a teacher reports that they're pregnant. I always longed to be that person. When someone would write, "guess who is pregnant?" on the whiteboard before the meeting, people used to guess me, but as the years passed by, I wasn't one of the popular candidates. Well, this year, I got to share that I was indeed pregnant! The majority of the staff knew of my infertility journey, so everyone was happy for me. I felt more confident about my pregnancy that week, too, so that was nice.

Last week, week 11, I had a little spotting Sunday night. I didn't cry that time, but I did immediately get sad. Brad reassured me that everything would be okay, and even Googled it for me, but spotting when you're pregnant is scary and the only thing that would have made me feel better at that moment would have been an ultrasound. I had started decreasing my hormones since Thursday night, so that could have caused the spotting, but I was worried that maybe I was losing the baby since I had decreased the hormones and maybe my body wasn't making enough hormones for our baby girl on it's own. I went to bed early that night and called HRC the following morning. I spoke to Cynthia again, and she said that I should be okay. She said to stick to the original plan of coming in for an ultrasound on Wednesday. Brad was gone last Wednesday for work, so my mom went with me.

At the week 11 ultrasound, my mom and I got to see an active little girl. Dr. Norion said she was like a Mexican jumping bean! She was moving her arms and legs all around. I instantly asked if that was okay, worrying that maybe I was too anxious which was causing her to move around too much, but he said it was good that she was moving around. He said that her heartbeat was at an ideal heart rate and that she was at an advanced size her her age (which was good, too). Dr. Norion said that I could officially stop all my IVF medication (wow!) and that I would graduate that day. One of the nurses brought me a baby blanket, and everyone hugged me. I still can't quite believe that I graduated. It honestly seems like just yesterday that Brad and I were meeting with Dr. Norion for the very first time. It was a wonderful experience getting to share my graduation day with my mama! I would have loved for Brad to be there, of course, but having my baby girl's grandma with me, was quite special!

Although this journey is still very much active and no where near the end, I am so very grateful for all the people that have helped me through it. I have been quite self absorbed lately, and my family and friends have loved me unconditionally throughout it all, and have been there for me every step of the way. This isn't a journey I'd want to go through alone, and I'm forever grateful for the support that I have been given. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Looking back over this post, I see so many words that I don't normally use (scary, scared, worried, down, dark place, should, struggling). It is no surprise that I have been struggling over the past month or so. However, I honestly believe that I was doing the best I could. I am letting myself off the hook and not feeling bad for the feelings that I had. I was challenged in a way that I wasn't expecting, which I think is how challenges normally go. I may have not learned all the lessons that I was presented with, but I did learn from some of them. I am feeling much better now - I think stopping the medication helped a ton with that (Brad would say that it has ;)). I'm also giving myself permission to think more about our little girl and the life that we'll have together. I talk to her often. I place my hand over her and tell her how much fun we'll have together. This morning, on my walk with the girls, I told our baby girl that she's going to love the walking routes we go on. I told her that we'll protect her and love her unconditionally. I told her that she's perfect in every way. I told her that she's our everything.

Today, I am 11 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I am almost three months pregnant! Our baby girl is the size of a fig (I bought one at the farmer's market yesterday in her honor) and she owns my heart. I know that I could lose her, but allowing that scared, negative thought, to keep all the positive, happy thoughts at bay, is not fair to her or me. I am a mom and this new love I have for my baby girl is something that I don't want to keep hidden away any longer. Being pregnant is indescribable. I'm carrying a beautiful living thing inside of me and it is a true honor. Now, when I walk around and see all the mamas, I don't think about how I wish I was them - instead, I think about how strong they are. How strong they are to have carried and given birth to their baby, or how strong they are to have gone through the adoption process or whatever process they went through to get their little angels. I have a new found appreciation for moms (thank you, mom!). Sweet Adeline - I am so proud to be your mama and can't wait to meet you in March! I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby girl you'll be...

Two Lines! - IVF

I started this post earlier today. The first two paragraphs are before our pregnancy results:

We are anxiously (very anxiously) waiting for the phone call from HRC. We went into HRC this morning at 8:00 a.m. to have my blood drawn for the pregnancy test. I asked how soon I'd hear back from them with the results, and the nurse said that a company would come and pick up the blood sample around 12 p.m. and take it back to Pasadena's lab to be read. She said to call HRC back at 2:45 p.m. if I haven't heard anything by then because they may be closing early for the Fourth. As I was walking out, someone from HRC asked me if I had cheated (taken an at home pregnancy test) and I told her no. Honestly, at home pregnancy tests and I have a love-hate relationship. I love that they exist, but I hate (a word I rarely use) the results they've always given me. I have purchased way too many tests to count and have even received some as a stocking stuffer from Brad many years ago, and they have all shown me that dreaded sad face or just one line. The only way I'll use an at home pregnancy test on this IVF journey is if I get a positive pregnancy phone call from HRC today (or if HRC forgets to call me today before they close early for the Fourth - ha!).

Today's wait has been almost as mentally challenging as the 14 day wait. As I was getting dressed this morning, I noticed that I could feel my heart racing; the kind of feeling I get right before I speak in front of a bunch of people (like at Back to School Night). I think I have noticed every passing hour today (maybe even every 30 minutes). My heart races every time our home landline rings, which I'm not sure why because HRC doesn't even have that phone number. I have been telling myself to take a deep breath in and think "I breathe in peace" and to exhale and think "I breathe out anxiety", which has been helping, but as the time continues to pass, I find myself getting more and more anxious. I have told myself many things today, trying to prepare myself for whatever we hear on the other end of the phone line today, but the fact of the matter is that if I find out that I'm not pregnant from this first round of IVF, I will be deeply saddened. My heart will break, but I have experienced heart break and I've always recovered from it. Over our last six years of trying to get pregnant, I have experienced so many losses as each month brought my period instead of a happy face on an at home pregnancy test. I should know this feeling well, this feeling of waiting and wondering if I could possibly be pregnant, but this time is different. This time I know that Brad's sperm made it to my egg and that it was successfully fertilized. This time I know that a fertilized embryo is in my uterus, all of which are things I never knew before (and I don't think ever happened before).

These paragraphs are the ones I wrote after my pregnancy results:

I decided to email my nurse at HRC at 2:05 p.m. (just a tad earlier than 2:45 p.m. but can you really blame me??). I told her that my cell phone had bad reception at the house and I wanted to give her our landline number just in case. She ended up calling me five minutes after my email (on the landline). My heart was pumping and I could barely contain my excitement!! I put the phone on speaker so Brad could hear everything. She said that she had just received my pregnancy results and that I was definitely pregnant! I started tearing up. I couldn't believe it! She shared all my hormone numbers and said that they were all on the high side and were very good, but honestly, once she said I was pregnant, I went into a bit of shock. I didn't write down the numbers she was listing nor did I retain them (I may email her tonight). I couldn't stop smiling. She said that the next step is to have blood work done again next Monday to check and make sure that all my hormones are continuing. If they are, then I'll have my first ultra sound in two weeks! Lots of waiting, but I'm okay with that.

I'm so excited that I can get pregnant! That was always a small fear of mine. IVF can only do so much, but now that I know I can, I am over the moon happy! I don't really know how far along I am, since I'm pretty sure that one of my nurses told me that I was going to be two weeks pregnant the day of the transfer because of how far along the embryo was at that point. And if you add two weeks to these last 14 days, I think that would mean I'm around 4 weeks pregnant, which is very, very early. I will continue to take my nightly injections for another 6 weeks if my blood work and ultra sounds have good results, and I'll graduate from seeing my doctor at the end of the 6 weeks. There is a ton that can happen between now and then, but like always, I'm going to try my very best to stay in the moment, and to enjoy this time in my life. This is unlike anything I've experienced before, and I'm going to soak up every minute of it, and not take anything for granted. Oh, I bought an at home pregnancy test at the store and got my two lines (I guess the happy face ones are made anymore??).

Looking back on this past week, my body was showing signs of pregnancy but I didn't give them much thought because I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. In the past, I have created ghost pregnancy symptoms. I'm pretty good at Googling and I think I know every pregnancy symptom that a woman can experience (thanks, to six years of  using Google), but the more symptoms I learned about, the more symptoms I "experienced", and the symptoms are all pretty much the same for what you could experience right before you start your period (minus the nausea) anyway. Well, this time around, whenever I felt something (i.e. breast tenderness/soreness, nausea, being tired, etc.), I dismissed it and blamed it on the hormones I was taking. When people asked me how I was feeling, I said good and then thought to myself, "Should I be feeling something?" I was feeling good, but I was also feeling other things. I have felt nauseas (not to the point of throwing up) and super super tired this past week. I think I've taken a nap every day, which I blamed on the extreme heat and the hormones. And my breasts have been really sensitive. So I guess I have been really experiencing pregnancy symptoms! Oh my goodness! How exciting!

Brad was gone last week for work, so my wonderful neighbor (a PA at a hospital - hopefully the same hospital I give birth at since I changed my health insurance and no longer have Kaiser) gave me my nightly injections. She's one busy mama and I'm so grateful that I was able to walk over to her house with my kit in hand (syringes, needles, hormones, step-stool, alcohol swab, mobile heating pad) and have her give me my injections. The last night, I had my friend who recently graduated from nursing school give me my injection. I've struggled asking for people to help me out with my injections because I feel bad for taking people's time. My aunt helped me out the first time I needed someone during egg retrieval time and then my neighbor/friend and friend helped me this time around (all 3 get 5 stars from me :)). I'm so grateful for their time, which I know is so valuable, and for their willingness to help me out!

These past 14 days have been full of emotions. Full of ups and downs. Full of thoughts (good and bad). Full of relaxing and lounging (and sometimes feeling guilty about that). Full of wonderful, supportive texts and phone calls from friends and family (thank you from the bottom of my heart!). Full of gratitude. Full of what-ifs. Full of research (pregnancy vitamins, etc.). And now that day 14 is here and the results are in, I am still a little shocked. I am pregnant! Little 6AA implanted into my embryo and is growing with each passing day. I will continue to do all that I can to stay strong mentally and physically, nourishing my mind, body, and soul. For now, I am a mom (I'm a mom!) and I am full of joy and gratitude for being here in this very moment! Oh, I bought an at home pregnancy test at the store and got my two lines (I guess the happy face ones are made anymore??).

The 14 Day Wait - IVF

This past "Transfer Tuesday" was and always will be my very first frozen single embryo transfer (SET). I don't know if the future holds more transfers, but the first transfer, I imagine, will always be near and dear to my heart. Tuesday went as well as I had hoped for (minus one small packing error on my part), and for the last couple of days since the transfer, I've been hanging out at the house taking good care of my body and what it holds inside.

Just like with the egg retrieval, Brad and I stayed the night in Pasadena the day before the transfer. I have a small fear of traffic (I'm working on overcoming/accepting it :)), and I didn't want to cause unneeded worry about the high likelihood of traffic Tuesday morning, especially if I could avoid it. Yes, I could have worked on controlling my thoughts and envisioned Brad and I getting to HRC on time (and left the house really early in the morning), but experimenting on transfer day didn't seem appealing. Plus, staying in Pasadena for the night allowed for more sleeping time, which I am always a supporter of. We left town in the late afternoon. We dropped off the girls at my parent's house, got gas, and then hopped on the freeway. Before we had left, I made sure to get all the meds I would need. I needed both injections that night. I checked, and double checked to make sure that we had the correct sized needles, too. About 30 minutes into our drive, I remembered that I had forgotten one of my vaginal insert pills (along with my deodorant, raw almonds, and disinfectant wipes for the hotel room). I briefly contemplated skipping the evenings pill, but Brad immediately exited the freeway and turned around to go home.

At home, Brad gave me my two injections. I grabbed a heating pad pillow and the other things I had forgotten. I must admit that I was kind of glad I had forgotten one of my meds and needed to go home because of it. Why? Because if I hadn't, I would have received my injections in a hotel room. Brad and I have the injection thing down now: 1. First, I heat the marked injection site (I keep track of the side of my body the injection is on by writing it on a calendar) while Brad gets everything ready; 2. Next, I stand on a short step stool and put all my weight on the side that isn't getting the injection (the stool allows the side that is getting injected to hang in the air and have loose muscles); 3. Then, Brad sanitizes the injection site on my skin by using an alcohol wipe, and we wait a little bit for my skin to dry (I had my blood drawn at HRC when my skin hadn't dried yet and it burned badly!); 4.  After drying, I do deep breathing and stare out our kitchen window while Brad administers the injections; 5. Then, Brad finishes by massaging the injection site to get the progesterone and estrogen to absorb well; 6. Finally, I put heat on the injection site while Brad cleans up. Like I said, we have it down now. And, it doesn't hurt as badly anymore (yay!). Forgetting that one med was a little gift from the Universe.

After we made it to Pasadena, we had dinner, and then checked into our hotel. We didn't stay in the same hotel as the one for the retrieval (we couldn't get a room on short notice after the transfer date had been changed), but it had windows that I could open for fresh air, so it was just as good. We watched some Netflix, and then went to sleep. I didn't sleep as well as I had the night of the retrieval, but I woke up feeling rested and ready for the transfer nevertheless. I think that my subconscious was a little worried about going back to HRC because the last time I was there was for the painful TAP procedure. I think that I made a connection between HRC and pain that I hadn't realized, and the unrecognized and unacknowledged thoughts kept me awake for a bit.

Right before acupuncture and the transfer

Brad and I arrived at HRC at 5:55 a.m. We went up to the third floor (the same place as the retrieval) and checked in. I wasn't quite sure where to meet Ryan, our acupuncturist, but when I spoke with a nurse at HRC, she knew him and told me to wait in the transfer room and she'd send him in when he arrived. The transfer room was across the hall from the retrieval/TAP operation/procedure room. It looked like a regular OBGY-N room, and had calming music playing. Ryan came in a couple minutes later and introduced himself. He was even nicer in person. The good vibe I got from him when we spoke over the phone was accurate. I absolutely loved him! He actually reminded me of Dr. Norion (authentic, compassionate, extremely smart, and quirky). He told me that he'd administer the acupuncture treatments in the same room as the transfer and on the same bed. He shared that he'd put a needle in both of my feet, in both of my wrists, one at the top of my head, and two in each of my ears. I asked for the thinnest acupuncture needles (because my normal acupuncturist always uses the smallest ones on me) and he said he'd use the thinnest ones he could that wouldn't change the results of the study. The study he was referring to was in regards to a higher success rate of a positive pregnancy test if acupuncture was done 30 minutes before and after an embryo transfer. My acupuncturist back at home said that the study was done ten years ago and then again recently, and the results were the same.

Acupuncture before transfer (the lights were off)

Because I had heard that Ryan was a traditional acupuncturist, meaning he used regular sized needles and wasn't as gentle as what I'm used to, I was a little nervous about what the first needle poke would entail. He started with the needles in my feet, and I must admit that it wasn't as painful as I had imagined. He did have a unique way of inserting the needles, especially the ones in my ear. He set the needle up and then softly hit/tapped the top of it to get it inserted into my skin. If someone had explained that method to me before actually experiencing it, that may have made me cringe a little (like when Brad was instructed to give my inner muscular injections like a dart), but the technique wasn't any more painful than what I was used to. After the needles were in, he left the room for a couple minutes. I did my visualizing and drank water. I was supposed to have a full bladder by 6:30 a.m., so I made sure to drink a ton. Brad had to bring the water over to me so I could sip it through the straw while I was laying down with the needles. I'm not a huge fan of moving around when I have needles sticking out of me. After a couple minutes, Ryan came back in an twisted each needle to create an electric wave so to speak. That was a different method than I was used to. He said that I should feel a strong sensation as he moved each needle. Some needles created more sensations than others. If I winced at all, he apologized right away and reminded me to breath deeply. He said that he doesn't like telling people to relax because that normally does the opposite for people. I couldn't have agreed more! And something crazy about the breathe deeply thing was that I had just bought my dad and I matching My Intent bracelets that said "Breathe Deeply" on them, and I was wearing mine! Ryan repeated the process of turning the needles every five minutes or so. I think he stopped around 6:30 a.m. (my bladder was comfortably full by then). I was so darned relaxed! I felt like I was slurring a bit when the nurse came in and asked me to undress from the bottom half down. Acupuncture is good stuff! I didn't want to get up from my relaxed, naturally drugged state, so Brad helped me out. He even put on the well loved blue bear paw slipper socks that I'm so fond of from HRC.

6AA

After getting undressed, Dr. Norion came in and gave us a picture of our embryo. He said that the embryo had thawed beautifully and had actually grown from a 4AA to a 6AA! A little tear slipped out of my eye and ran down my cheek as I heard that - a tear of joy and excitement. The picture of the embryo looked like a blob, but it was a beautiful blob because it was something that was a part of Brad and I. It was half of Brad's DNA and half of mine. Going off track for a quick second, embryo's amaze me! Just the thought that eggs can be removed from a woman's body, fertilized by a man's sperm in a petri dish, and then grow outside of a woman's body for six to seven days, truly blows my mind! Thinking specifically of our six embryo, they have endured so much already. They are strong and I'm so grateful for their strength and wonder. Back to the transfer, after talking for a bit, Dr. Norion got all set up for the transfer. It was a quick procedure, one that I had already done back in March (I think) called the Mock Transfer. The only true discomfort I experienced was while my cervix was being cleaned with a cotton swab. It pretty much reminded me of having a pap smear. My body did tense up due to the feeling of the cotton swab, but I think I was relaxed enough during the transfer itself. After getting me set up, Dr. Norion asked the nurse to call the embryologist and bring in my embryo. When she came in with the embryo, I tried to sneak a peak of how it was delivered, but I couldn't see anything. Later, I asked Brad what it looked like and he said that it was a small vile/tube of some sort. Dr. Norion inserted my embryo into the center of my uterus. Brad held my hand the entire time. Dr. Norion encouraged me to imagine my body melting into the bed I was on. I could have watched the entire thing on the monitor next to me because an external ultra sound was going on simultaneously, but I didn't want to freak myself out by seeing a long needle contraption moving around in my body. I didn't look at the screen until Dr. Norion had placed the embryo in my uterus. The embryo was a little white blur. He then waited to hear back from the embryologist if any of the embryo had gotten stuck in the tube (that part was a little confusing to me), and when he was given the all clear, he removed everything, and told me I could get up to use the restroom after 10 minutes.

First time seeing 6AA inside my uterus

6AA in my uterus after transfer (white blur)

After 10 minutes had passed (Brad was my time keeper), Brad told me I could get up. To be honest, I didn't really want to get up. Once I had seen that little white spot, the embryo that Brad and I had created, placed inside my uterus, I didn't want to get up and cause it to move around, but I really had to use the restroom (all that water had added up!) and I decided that Dr. Norion must have known what he was talking about when he said that I could get up after 10 minutes. I got up, used the restroom, and then came right back to the room for another round of acupuncture. It was the same as the one done before the transfer, and was just as relaxing and calming.

After the acupuncture, I was told that I could leave. That was it. I was sent home with a floating embryo inside of me (yikes!) and told to wait it out for 14 days. Dr. Norion and one of the papers I was sent home with, said to rest for about a week. There isn't any real research proving if bed rest for 48 hours after the transfer is better than not resting, but Dr. Norion encouraged me to hang out around the house and watch movies. One of the papers said to put my feet up, too, so I did that for a couple days as well.

Today, Friday, is the first day since the transfer that I felt okay about going out for a short, slow, walk with the girls. I think me doing research was helpful with that. Over the last week, I found out (from the highly intelligent internet) about the different stages that my embryo would hopefully go through this week. I learned that after a day or two from the transfer, my embryo would attach itself to the lining of my uterus. And then, a couple days after that, it would implant into my uterus. Knowing the stages, gave me detailed things to visualize. For a couple days after the transfer, I visualized my embryo attaching itself to my lining, getting all snuggly with it. I affirmed sayings such as, "My embryo attaches itself easily to the lining of my uterus." "My uterus provides a safe, nurturing, loving environment for my embryo." "My body welcomes 6AA (formally known as 4AA)." I meditated and as I did, I kept my hands on my belly in the shape of a heart sending my embryo and body lots of love and encouragement. Yesterday and today, I've been visualizing my embryo implanting in my uterus. I have added to my affirmations and visualizations.

I have been consciously working on my thoughts trying to make them as positive as possible, but I have had my share of negative, worrisome thoughts, especially Tuesday-Thursday of this week. I was worried about coughing too much because I didn't want to move the embryo away from the lining of my uterus...what if I coughed right when it was trying to attach to the lining? I was worried about getting up and walking around the house because I didn't want to shake up the embryo. I think a good analogy for what I pictured my embryo in my uterus being like was a snow globe. If the snow globe was moved, the embryo that was resting at the bottom of it would bounce all around and get discombobulated. I certainly didn't want that to happen. I know that the majority of women's embryo implant while they're doing their normal day to day activities, and everything is all good for them, but actually knowing that the implantation is hopefully going to happen this week (or maybe already has) is a little rough to navigate. Sometimes, not knowing is nicer than knowing because there's nothing to worry about if you don't know it's happening in the first place. Ignorance is bliss?

Because July 1st (the day I was supposed to have my pregnancy test) is on a Saturday, I won't take my pregnancy test until July 3rd. I am a very patient person and can handle waiting for things, but this 14 day wait has more riding on it than normal things I've waited for in the past. I must admit that I'm not my normal, chipper, upbeat self. I am positive and believe that everything is unfolding perfectly, but I find myself holding my breath more (thank goodness for meditation and constant reminders to breath) and thinking constantly about 6AA and the progress that it could or could not be making. I'm not quite sure what I had expected to feel emotionally after the transfer. I guess I hadn't really thought about it because I was in the moment. Now that the transfer is done and the waiting game is here, my emotions are on high alert. Physically, I feel great (minus the tight muscles at the injection sites) - way better than after the retrieval, but mentally, I'm a little reserved and cautious. Honestly, I think the decreased chipperness is due in part to my attachment of what I'd like the outcome to be. I think I'm more attached to the outcome being a positive one than a negative one (pretty sure that's normal, too), and because I don't know what will happen on the 3rd, that's weighing heavily on my heart. I think next week I'll do more things to distract myself. Not being in school this week has been lovely because I have been able to relax around the house, but working always keeps my mind busy. I get absorbed in my work and the days go by quickly. Without work, I have more time to think about things. I can only meditate, visualize, and read so much (I'm reading a wonderful book right now!). Normally, I'd clean the house, go to some hot yoga, run errands, bake, take the girls for a long walk, etc., but I can't really do those things right now. This is new to me, which means there is room to grow and learn. I'm being gently pushed towards trying new things and getting out of my comfort zone. Maybe I'm also being pushed towards feeling at peace at any given second regardless of what I do or do not know. Yes, maybe that's it. New affirmations: I feel at peace in this moment. I release any attachments to the outcome on July 3rd. I create my own happiness.

To end, something I've been thinking about lately is about how many women are walking out and above actively going through IVF... How many women are walking around with sore booties or tummies from injection sites? How many women are walking around thinking about how many of their eggs are going to fertilize and mature? How many women are walking around thinking about if their transfer was successful or not? How many women are walking around waiting to have a miscarriage removed? How many women are walking around thinking about what their next step will be after a failed embryo transfer? If one in eight couples experience infertility, then I know there are lots of women out there. I know everyone experiences pain and suffering at one time or another, and if we all treated each other like we knew their life story - if we treated them like a close friend that had shared their personal journey with us, if we gave out compassion without expecting anything in return and looked into each others' eyes with kindness, love, and acceptance, then I believe the world would be a better place. Everyone has a journey, and we all would greatly benefit from someone giving us a warm smile in passing, a cut in line at the store, the benefit of the doubt when accused of something, a compassionate hug, a sincere I-acknowledge-your-existence glance, etc. We don't know what everyone has and is going through, but we do know that everyone has and is going through something. Right now, Brad and I are going through IVF. My heart goes out to everyone that has and is going through something (that means everyone :)). Smile, breathe, and go slowly with compassion and love in your heart.

Transfer Tuesday - IVF

Our transfer day is almost here! It was originally scheduled for Monday (tomorrow), but there was a counting error back when the first calendar was made for me. I need to be on progesterone shots for five days before the transfer, and Monday would have been only four. We didn't find out the date was changed until we were driving home from Dr. Norion's office last Wednesday afternoon, and our nurse called to let us know. There were a couple changes to be made on our end because of the date change (hotel change, dog sitting night change, etc.), but it was all good. The transfer date is meant to be this Tuesday. Besides, I wouldn't be able to say "Transfer Tuesday" if it had been on Monday, and I'm pretty much in love with that name. The only thing I wanted to double check with my nurse about was that the embryo wasn't going to be thawed a day early (she assured me it wouldn't be - phew!).

Since my last blog post, I've had one more appointment with Dr. Norion (the one last Wednesday), started new meds, had two rounds of acupuncture, set up acupuncture before and after the transfer, had one appointment with my therapist, and have had two hormone driven tiffer-taffers with Brad (that's what I call our disagreements). At my appointment last Wednesday, Dr. Norion said everything looked great. I don't see him as many times as I did before the egg retrieval because I'm not taking the same medications. From my understanding, I'm taking a ton of hormones in all different forms (oral, injections, vaginal inserts), which is supposed to be preparing my body to accept 4AA on Tuesday. There's not too much to monitor. My nurse mentioned that on Transfer Tuesday, it'll be like I've already been pregnant for two weeks. I didn't ask for additional information about that, but I'm assuming the two weeks part is because of how far along the embryos got before they were frozen and because of the stage my body will be at on Tuesday. I was also informed that I get to take the daily progesterone injections for 8 weeks after the transfer (given I receive a positive pregnancy test).  That's a ton of injections!

After talking to Dr. Norion and my acupuncturist last week, I decided to call the acupuncturist in Pasadena that will come to HRC before and after the transfer. I had been going back and forth about actually having it done. Honestly, acupuncture causes me a little anxiety as the needles are being inserted. My hands get clammy and my heart beats faster than normal. I never know what to expect with the needles. In some spots, they hurt, and in others, they don't, and it can change with each session. After the needles are in, I calm down and get the full benefits from the acupuncture treatment, which is why I do it, but I couldn't decide if I wanted to experience anxiety before the transfer. As I often mention, I work hard at controlling my thoughts and on my breathing, but the feelings of the needles are still there. I haven't mastered feeling the pain and not contracting my body in response to it, but I know it is much better than it would be if I didn't breathe and accept the pain. Dr. Watkins, my acupuncturist, told me that the acupuncture before and after the transfer will be different than the acupuncture she uses for me normally because the needles will be targeting different areas that are specifically for the transfer. She doesn't travel to Pasadena for treatments, but she has heard of the doctor I'll be using on Tuesday. She said that the treatment before the transfer will help decrease any cramping I could experience during the transfer, and will help increase blood flow. The less my body contracts from pain during the transfer, the better. I called the acupuncturist out in Pasadena last Friday. I decided that if he was able to come for the transfer, then I would use him, but if he couldn't, I would be okay with that.

I instantly got a good vibe from him over the phone. He was nice, patient, and didn't act as if he was doing me a favor by coming at such an early time on Tuesday. In fact, he offered to email HRC and ask what time they wanted him to get there. He made less work for me, which I greatly appreciated! My transfer is at 6:45 a.m. on Tuesday. We will arrive at 5:55 a.m. and have the acupuncture right before the treatment. I am supposed to have a full bladder before the transfer (I'm not sure why, but I'll do whatever I'm told to do in regards to IVF), but since I'll be arriving so early, I can drink tons of water starting at 6 a.m. instead of arriving with a full bladder and hope that my bladder is full by around 6:30 a.m. The acupuncturist said that we don't need to meet ahead of time, although I offered to come out on Monday. He said that since I'm already experienced with acupuncture, he doesn't need to see me for a consult. At this point, needles and I are very close to each other. They are a part of my daily life, and a few extra needles on the day of the transfer that could potentially increase my chances of success by 40% of the percentage Dr. Norion gave me (which was about 65%), are worth it. It was easy to make the appointment, so I'm taking that as a sign that it was meant to be.

Starting last Thursday, I added a daily shot of progesterone (another intramuscular booty injection), a six day pack of 21 oral pills, and two different vaginal inserts. The pills and inserts are fine, but the progesterone injection is no walk in the park. One of my friends that went through IVF said that she got knots in her backside from the booty injections, and had tight muscles. I didn't experience the knots with the estradiol that I started back on June 1st (I take that injection every third day), so I thought that I'd be fine with the progesterone. It was going in the same area as the estradiol and it was actually a thinner needle. Well, it turns out that I can get knots. I started the progesterone last Thursday and I am still working on mastering the whole acceptance part of the pain. Last Friday, I got to have both shots in one day. That night was a little rough for me. I braced myself against the counter like I had been doing for the estradiol. Brad injected the needle like a dart, and as soon as it went in, my leg involuntarily kicked out in front of me. Brad told me to stay still as if I had done it on purpose, but I shared that the leg kick had not been by choice. He was able to complete the injection, but I had one more to go (the estradiol) in the same side and area. It took me a few minutes to do some deep breathing (Brad talked me through that since I kind of panicked) and then he injected the estradiol. After the injections, Brad massaged the injection sites and then gave the sites a feel better kiss. He has so much compassion for me, and he encourages me every step of the way. The progesterone injection sites are pretty knotted up and sore. I have bruises, too. However, I'm choosing to believe that it'll get better as time goes by, and that my booty muscles will get used to the daily injections and loosen up.  If 4AA takes, and I stay pregnant, I will continue to get daily shots until I graduate from seeing Dr. Norion (10th week appointment). If I do end up having a baby, and that baby grows up and says something in their teenage years like I don't love them or I didn't want them, I will refer them to this blog. No, I don't love injections, but I love what they could lead to, and all the pain I'm experiencing now is worth whatever outcome I get. If I get a baby from the pain, yay, but if I don't get a baby, the pain has taught me that I can endure more than I had ever imagined, and that Brad and I can get through anything together.

Speaking of getting through anything together, all the hormones have made me a little more emotional than normal. Not crying emotional, but more intense in my feelings of my opinions emotional. Brad and I had two tiffer-taffers that normally wouldn't have bothered me so much, and that I would have easily gotten over especially since I got my way in the end, but because of the hormones (at least that's what I'm sticking to anyway), I got more heated and was more upset. Brad never once brought the extra hormones up during our tiffer-taffers, thank goodness. But other than those two times, I think I've been doing pretty well (and I think Brad would say the same thing, too - I hope).

I recently read an article Daily OM that talked about worrying. "Worry is a self-created state of needless fear." "Worrying does nothing to ensure a positive outcome and it has an unpleasant effect on your body, mind, and spirit." The article said that instead of worrying about something,  like your family getting home safely from a trip, you can envision them traveling safely instead and being protected every inch of the way. "Next time you find that your are worrying, imagine the best result instead of anticipating the worst outcome." The article made me think about the transfer. I could easily worry about the transfer not working out, but that won't change the outcome and it won't benefit anyone, especially me and 4AA. After I read the article, I envisioned 4AA being thawed in a safe, protected environment. I envisioned it being handled with care, and being ready for me on Transfer Tuesday. I envisioned 4AA being transferred smoothly into my body, and my body easily accepting it. I envisioned my body and 4AA being compatible. I envision those things on a daily basis.

Mentally, I'm feeling strong and ready. I get many daily opportunities to practice and apply the things I've learned. I'm not avoiding any thoughts or emotions. I'm taking them head on, and thinking them through. I'm continuing to stay positive and to remind myself that I'm on the right path. I'm smiling, breathing, and going slowly (that was on a greeting card last week and it was there at the perfect moment). Positive pregnancy test or not (I get to take my first pregnancy test on July 1st), I am truly blessed to have the life that I do. And I will not give up hope that something wonderful is about to happen. I'm ready for you Transfer Tuesday! Let's do this!

5 Girls and 1 Boy - IVF

I hadn't realized how nervous/excited I was about finding out the results of the genetic testing until I received the phone call from my nurse with the results. She started by telling me that we had six genetically normal embryo (Dr. Norion said to expect between 4-9) and then asked if I wanted to know each of their genders. Brad wasn't with me at the time of the call, but I figured it would be okay if I found out how many girls and boys we had before him (besides, I just couldn't wait!). My nurse said that we had five girls and one boy. I immediately started tearing up with tears of excitement and relief. I then asked if the highest graded embryo (our 4AA) was one of the genetically normal ones and she said that it was. I told her not to tell me the gender of "4AA" because we were planning on transferring that embryo first and we wanted the gender to be a surprise. In all of my excitement, I didn't think to ask about the grades of the other five embryo. We had a couple that had a lower grade than the rest, and I wanted to know if those had come back as genetically normal or not. I called back and asked my nurse, and found out that the other five embryo were our next highest graded ones (good news!).

I was super excited to tell Brad the news when I got home! I was optimistic about the number of genetically normal embryo we'd get back, but there was still a thought in the far back of my mind that was nervous about what the actual number would be. I kept that thought buried in the darkness so that it didn't cause me anxiety, but I instantly felt a sense of relief when I heard the number six. Brad was happy to hear the results when I got home, too. We went out to dinner that night to celebrate the good news. We allowed ourselves to talk about different possible baby names - something that we hadn't talked about in many, many years. We also talked about if we wanted to know the gender of "4AA" or not.  Originally, we had decided that we'd let the embryologist pick the best embryo to transfer, but now that the results were actually available to us, we went back and forth about wanting to know what "4AA" was. As of today, we still don't want to know if "4AA" is a boy or girl, but who knows if that will change.

The first booty shot

Yesterday, I had my first ultra sound and blood work for the embryo transfer. I was on birth control for a couple weeks, and stopped it this last Sunday (per my nurse's directions). Dr. Norion wasn't in yesterday, but his assistant still did the ultra sound and sent the pictures to Dr. Norion. She said that my lining was thin (which was good) and my ovaries were still a little swollen. After the ultra sound, Brad and I met with our nurse. She said that we were going to move forward with starting the medication for the embryo transfer, as long as my hormone levels from the blood work came back normal, and she gave us paperwork to complete. Then, she gave us directions for how to administer the first medication. For the embryo transfer, I get to have booty shots, as opposed to tummy shots. When she was showing us how prepare the medication, I couldn't help but notice that the needle seemed thicker and longer than the needles that we used for my tummy shots. My nurse said that it was because it needed to reach my muscle, but it wasn't that much larger. Yikes! She said that instead of grabbing the skin before injecting the needle, Brad should stretch my skin and then inject the needle like a dart, getting the needle all the way into my skin. I kept telling myself, "I've got this. I've got this," but in the back of my mind, I was feeling a little intimidated. My nurse told Brad that after the needle was in, he should pull the top part out a little to see if any blood comes into the syringe because if it does, that meant that he hit a vein (now that freaked me out a little!). If there was blood, Brad should pull out the needle and try somewhere else. Nothing bad would necessarily happen, I guess the medication just wouldn't absorb as well. Brad asked about where exactly to administer the shot on me, so my nurse pulled out a permanent marker and drew a circle on my body. No, I wouldn't normally write on my body with a permanent marker because the ink absorbs into my skin, but I felt like this was a good time for an exception.

All the meds for the embryo transfer

 After the directions for medication, we went over important upcoming dates. I don't get monitored as much this time around, so I will only go in one more time for an ultra sound and blood work before the actual transfer. I'll go in on the 14th and then the transfer will be on the 19th. Wow! I can't believe that the transfer is going to be this month! Technically, I'll be pregnant as soon as the embryo is transferred, so at the very least, I can say that I have been pregnant, which is something that I will be so very grateful for. We'll have a two week waiting game to see if my body accepts the embryo or not. I am planning on doing my positive affirmations and visualizations constantly. "My body easily accepts "4AA"." ""4AA" is strong and healthy." "My body is calm and relaxed." I will visualize the embryo being welcomed by my body and send my body loving thoughts. I can't wait!

I have been cautiously optimistic on this journey. I don't allow myself to get too excited nor too worried (at least that's what I work hard to do anyway). I try and take things as they come and feel them as they are, not exaggerating them. I tend to get super excited about things, but with super excitement can come super disappointment. With this journey, I am consciously working on coming at it from a different approach. Obviously, I want to get pregnant and to stay pregnant, but I am not in control of that. Me getting super excited about becoming a mom right now at this stage of our journey, won't benefit me. In fact, it will take away from me enjoying the experience of everything right now. Right now, I am not a mom to a human. Right now, I am a soul taking advantage of modern science and using it as a tool to see if it can help me become a mom. Right now, I am in the middle of a trial. Right now, I am doing my due diligence, working towards something I feel is right for me, but I don't know if it truly is. Only time will tell as my future is presented to me. It will all be okay because it is all unfolding perfectly. It is not my job to control my future, merely to stay present and do the best that I can.

Last night, after my nurse called and said that my hormone levels were good, and Dr. Norion approved the ultra sound picture, Brad administered my first booty shot. I used a heating pad for about 15 minutes prior to the injection. I stood in the kitchen bent over a bit holding onto the edge of the counter. I put all my weight on the opposite side of the injection site. I did my deep breathing and reminded myself to feel what I was about to feel, rather than thinking and worrying about what I thought it was going to feel like. Once Brad administered it, I noticed that I didn't really even feel the needle going in, but I did feel it while it was there. It was like a charley horse. My muscle got really tight and started throbbing. The needle stayed in for a bit because Brad had to check and see if there was blood or not (there wasn't - yay!). After Brad took the needle out, I heated the area for another 15 minutes, and went on with the night. I was grateful that there wasn't a stinging/burning sensation like there had been with some injections, and I was grateful that I didn't shed a single tear. Brad is a pro at administering my injections and there's something about him doing it that brings me a feeling of calmness. These particular booty shots are done every three days, so I have tonight and tomorrow night off. I was actually a little happy about the injection last night because it meant that we were moving forward and getting closer to the transfer date. To be honest, I think I was holding my breath a little about if I my body was going to be ready this month or not since it had been through so much with the retrieval. Once my nurse called us last night and said that everything was good with the blood work, I took a deep breath, the deepest breath I had taken all day.

Injection site

I have four additional medications that I'll be adding to my regimen before the 19th, but I can see the finish line now. I am going to continue taking good care of my body focusing on getting it ready for "4AA" taking it one day at a time. I am so very grateful for IVF and the opportunity that it is giving us. It is easy to not look forward to things like injections and to think negatively about spending the large amount of money that IVF has cost us so far, but when I stop and think about it, each of those things is a part of IVF and IVF is giving us a chance to make something truly amazing!

Frozen Embryo - IVF

I am feeling so much better! I'm not quite back to my pre-IVF self yet, but I know I'll get there. We saw Dr. Norion yesterday and he said that I still have some fluid in my abdomen area, and that my ovaries aren't quite back to normal, but I'm recovering well considering all the craziness from last week. Thinking back about last week, I still can't believe that the egg retrieval is done (and the TAP, too). I honestly didn't expect the recovery to go for as long as it did, but I made the best of it and gave my body what it needed - time to heal and recover. It honestly seems like something that happened a long time ago. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not in any rush to do another egg retrieval, and hopefully I won't need to, but if that's where our journey leads us, I could do it again. At least I'd know what to expect the second time around, and so would Dr. Norion, so I'm sure that my trigger shot would be a little different (that's what he said he'd change).

We ended up having a total of fourteen embryo frozen, which is really a great number! Once the eggs were fertilized, they changed from being called "eggs" to "embryo". At first, I was a little bummed about the lower number since we started at 63 eggs, but Dr. Norion told us the number would drop significantly because of my PCOS and because that's what normally happens anyway. He said that the goal is not to create a ton of embryo, rather, to create a healthy baby. I know there are many woman that come out of the retrieval with zero embryo, so I am extremely grateful to have what we do. I think the large number at the beginning just threw me off a bit.

When we met with Dr. Norion yesterday, he went over the embryologist report with us. The embryologist took care of my eggs and Brad's sperm starting the day of the retrieval. He or she took my 63 eggs and then injected each egg with one of Brad's sperm. The sperm went through an obstacle course of sorts, and then were hand selected/picked for my eggs. They used a process called ICSI (hand picking the strongest, fastest, best shaped sperm and injecting one sperm into each egg using a needle). The embryologist then watched for day two (the number of embryo that matured and were fertilized - we had 35 mature and 30 out of the 35 fertilize). Then, they left the mature, fertilized embryo alone until day 5. On day 5, the embryologist took the embryo that had made it to the final stage (blastocyst), took a few cells from each, froze them, and then froze the cells. They did the same with the embryo that made it to day 6. We had 10 day five embryo and four day six embryo. The embryologist made side notes about my eggs and then about the embryo. It was kind of neat to see those and go over them with Dr. Norion. So much time and thought is put into the whole process of getting "good" embryo. It's truly a science.

Dr. Norion said that Brad and I had made really nice embryo and said that they all qualified for the next step, which is genetically testing them. There were some embryo with higher grades than others (the embryologist gives each embryo a grade based on their size, inner cell mass, and lining), but there weren't any "failed" ones. We were really happy to hear that! We weren't quite sure what to expect, so getting to move forward and have all the embryo genetically tested is good news.

One of Dr. Norion's many drawings

Dr. Norion loves to draw pictures to describe things during our meetings, which I appreciate since I tend to be more of a visual learner myself. He drew a picture of an embryo that made it to the blasto stage and then he described the different grading scale. The cells that were removed from each of the embryo before being frozen will be used for the genetic testing. We should get the results of the genetic testing back within 10 business days. The report will say yes or no to any chromosome deformities for each embryo, as well as, specify the gender of each embryo. If the embryo that had the highest grade come back as chromosomally normal, we will try those out first. We have decided to transfer only one embryo for our first transfer, which is what Dr. Norion suggested. There is a small chance that the embryo could split into twins or triplets, but that is highly unlikely.

We can keep the embryo frozen for as long as we want. I think one of the many forms I signed mentioned that any embryo remaining after I turn 59 will be destroyed, but I don't plan on having a transfer done when I'm 59, so I'm okay with that. I hope the building that holds everyones' embryo has a backup generator :) I'm sure it does!

Once we get the genetic testing results back, our nurse will send us a calendar for when I start the medication for the embryo transfer. I get to take injections again, but to change things up a bit, they get to be put into my booty instead of into my stomach. I was a little overwhelmed by the amount of meds I'll be taking to prepare for the transfer, but I am committed to this. I'm okay with it all and trust Dr. Norion completely.

The transfer will be done towards the end of June and we'll find out if it was successful at the beginning of July (maybe even on our 10th year wedding anniversary!). At this moment, I am planning on being open with everyone about the date of our transfer, which means that I am also planning on being open about if it is successful or not. It may seem strange to do that, since I know that it is the norm to not share about someone being pregnant until they've been pregnant for a couple months, but I feel like this scenario is a little different. It is no secret that we are actively trying to get pregnant. It is no secret that this journey is full of ups and downs, and of planned and unplanned events. And it is no secret that I am open about our journey. I honestly believe that the support I had from everyone during the retrieval helped give me strength, so I'm going to use the strength of that continued support to help with wherever this first embryo transfer leads. Obviously I'd love nothing more than to have a success the first time around, but I know that I am not in control of that. I am in control of my thoughts about the process, but nothing more.

From now until we get the results from our genetic testing back, I am going to actively focus on getting back to normal. I'm going to get back into my daily mediation, daily walking, daily affirmations, daily healthy eating, yoga (notice there wasn't "daily" in front of that one ;), etc. I took a little break from everything last week allowing myself to recover, but it is time to get back to me. I am going to enjoy the next fews weeks without daily injections and am going to enjoy spending time with Brad without talking about IVF 24/7. I'm taking a break from IVF per se. I have started birth control (the first step of the embryo transfer cycle), but I don't think much about it after I take it in the morning. No, I don't love taking birth control, but I don't resent it. I accept it. I will enjoy this little break from injections because it sounds like once I get started again, I'll be taking them for quite some time. We have come so far and I am looking forward to the next steps of this journey, keeping in the back of my mind, that this is only one journey out of millions. It is all unfolding perfectly and I trust that whatever the outcome, I will learn and grow from each experience and take the new knowledge with me on my future journeys.

We've got Eggs (and hyper stimulation)! - IVF

Before I begin writing about this past week's events, I want to start by saying that I never expected to receive so much support and love from people throughout this journey! I have received countless texts, phone calls, messages, Facebook comments, emails, in person conversations, etc. from people wishing Brad and I their best. I honestly believe that all the prayers, positive thoughts, love, and good energy have helped get me this far. I'm so glad that Brad and I have been open about our journey because I wouldn't want to do this without all the support. It has made things much easier and has made me feel stronger. Thank you!

Last Friday night, Brad gave me my last injection, the trigger shot, which had to be administered right at 9:00 p.m. (35 hours before the egg retrieval). My parents were over because we were all watching the Ducks game (Let's Go Ducks!). They got to see Brad in action. We had a little snafu with the trigger shot because the size of the syringe we got from HRC wasn't big enough to take all the liquid from the trigger vile, which made us think that maybe I shouldn't get the entire contents of the vile. I found the actual syringe that came with the trigger shot, and it fit all the medication (minus a few drops). Brad wanted to make sure that I got every drop, so he ended up poking me twice, once with the filled up syringe and once with the couple of drops full syringe. Because of the syringe issue, I didn't get the injection until 9:03 p.m. It was a tad stressful because of the time crunch, but it all worked out. I didn't have a bad reaction to the injection and it didn't really even hurt going in.

On Saturday, I didn't get any injections. I sure was happy about that. I did start Doxcycline and continue my preventative hyper stimulation medication, but those were oral, so no biggy. Saturday night, we dropped the girls off at Grammy and Grampy's house (they love staying there!), and then we drove out to Pasadena. We wanted to stay in a hotel the night before the procedure because we didn't want to worry about traffic in the morning. The hotel we stayed at was five minutes away from HRC in Pasadena. Our room had a balcony AND a screen door, so we were able to keep the door open the whole night. The room was perfect! We didn't even need to have the air conditioner running throughout the night! I slept really well. I did wake up quite a few times to use the restroom (I felt pregnant and still do), but then I went right back to sleep.

On Sunday morning, Brad and I woke up at 6:15 a.m. and left the hotel at 6:45 a.m. I forgot to mention that the surgery required 8 hours of fasting, so when we woke up, I didn't have much to do (no eating or drinking for me). Breakfast is one of my favorite meals of the day, but egg retrieval day was worth the late breakfast. When we got to HRC, the lobby was quite stunning! It had chandeliers and big, comfy chairs. The color scheme was comforting and soothing. We sat down and waited to be called back. I was really calm and thought positive thoughts. I thought about my plump veins, and I thought about all the eggs that would be collected. When some of those sneaky negative thoughts popped up like, "What if there's an earthquake while I'm under anesthesia and my doctor pokes through some of my eggs?", or "What if when the eggs are retrieved, the embryologist drops them while transporting them to the room for fertilization?" I allowed the thoughts to come in and then go out. I didn't give them any energy, or allow myself to awfulize and build them up. I was called back right at 7:00 a.m. Brad didn't get to go into the pre-op room with me.

The pre-op room wasn't as fancy as the lobby and waiting room area, but it was clean and tidy. The nurses were all friendly and on top of things. I was the only patient in the pre-op room. My nurse showed me my slipper socks (yay!), gown, head cap thing, and bag for my clothes, and she told me what to do with everything. I changed into what they gave me and even had a chance to take a selfie.

I was in good spirits, which the nurses commented on. They said they liked how positive I was about everything. After changing, I went to the restroom, and then was shown to the operation room. It was small and the lights were dim. There was calming music playing in the back ground. It actually kind of reminded me of a spa. My nurse had me lie down on my back and she hooked up different cords to my chest and back, and then took my blood pressure. Next, came the IV. I have to say that it wasn't nearly as bad as I had remembered. In fact, my veins were perfectly plump and the nurse said that the minimal pain I felt was 90% due to my good veins. She didn't know about the positive affirmations I had been saying about my veins. I thanked her for doing such a great job. I was feeling grateful about everything the day of the egg retrieval. After the IV was in, a strap was put across my stomach constricting my arms. The nurse said the bed was narrow and that would ensure that my arms wouldn't fall over the side during the surgery. It was a tad unnerving when I was first strapped in (that earthquake thought popped in again), but I reminded myself to breathe deeply and to focus on my surroundings instead of on the "scary" straps. After the set up part, Dr. Norion came in to the room to check-in, and then I met the anesthesia doctor. He walked right over to my IV, pumped some stuff in, and said I'd feel sleepy soon. Wow! Boy did I ever feel sleepy soon! I think I passed out a couple seconds after he said that.

The next thing I remember, I was waking up in the pre-op/recovery room. I was freezing! My teeth were chattering and I couldn't get the chills under control, which is exactly how I responded the last time I was under anesthesia.  I sure was grateful for the warm slipper socks they had given me! The nurse put a warm sheet around my head, and that helped with the shivers. Brad was brought back and he brought my heart rate down. I didn't know it, but my heart rate was up a bit. The minute Brad came back and told me to breathe deeply, my heart rate went down. He has a calming effect on me (when he wants to ;)). The nurse gave me some pain and anti-nausea medication through my IV. She

also gave me crackers and juice. I was a little leery of the crackers and juice because they weren't a part of my preventive hyper stimulation diet (no sugar and no starches), but I was starving and thirsty. Brad gave me a couple pieces of crackers and some sips of water - I chose to pass on the juice. Dr. Norion came in and said everything went well. He said they were still counting my eggs. After I got my shivers under control and I was feeling a level three of pain (that's so hard for me to determine!), my nurse came in and said that they had the egg retrieval count...63 eggs! She was shocked and said that might by a record for Dr. Norion. I asked what the average count number was and she said most people are happy with a double digit. Wow! Brad and I couldn't believe it! That explained why I was so bloated towards the end of last week. They had expected to retrieve a large number of eggs from me, but not that high.

I think I was in the recovery room for about 30 minutes (while I was awake), and then they said I could get dressed and leave. Brad helped me get dressed and then I was wheeled out to the parking lot in a wheelchair. My stomach was uncomfortable. I didn't have sharp pains, but I felt a constant uncomfortable-ness. Brad reclined the passenger seat for me, turned up the heater and seat warmer, and covered me with a blanket. Then we got on the road and drove back home. I called my mom and dad while in the car and told them the news. 63 eggs! Once we were at home, I laid on the couch, put a heating pad on my stomach, and relaxed. I wasn't in a ton of pain - just discomfort. The heating pad helped a ton. Brad made me scrambled eggs. I was famished! After eating, I napped on and off. I took my antibiotic, preventative hyper stimulation medication, and Tylenol 3 with codine.

That night, I had really bad lower back pain. I woke up often to use the restroom. Any pressure on my bladder woke me up. I decided to sleep in our guest room because the mattress is firmer. I was able to decrease the back pain with the firmer mattress and then I continued my sleep a bit, wake up to use the restroom, sleep again a bit, wake up to use the restroom pattern.

Monday morning came around and I was starving! Brad made me some eggs (they are still my favorite thing to eat) and I moved from the guest bed to the living room couch. My stomach was really bloated and I didn't feel any better than the day before. I had the same stomach discomfort, if not more, and I felt lousy. HRC in Pasadena called to check in on me. I missed their call, but I called back and answered all their questions. HRC in Ontario called next, which, I missed, too (my phone was on silent). Brad and I had been waiting for the call from HRC in Ontario because they were going to tell us how many eggs made it through the night and how many fertilized. I called back and my nurse said that 35 out of the 63 eggs matured, and 30 of the 35 fertilized. That was a great number! The next thing was to wait for the call Friday to see how many made it to the final stage.

Tuesday morning came around and I still felt poorly. I had a bout of nausea right after I woke up, but it passed quickly (there were some tears shed though). I had some shortness of breath and my stomach was really bloated. I decided to called HRC and see if I could be checked for hyper stimulation. The nurse said they had been waiting for me to call with pain because of the high number of eggs retrieved. Brad drove me to HRC in Ontario and Dr. Norion did an internal ultra sound. I was hoping not to have an internal one done because of how much pain I was in, but when he started with the one on the top of my stomach, he couldn't see everywhere. Dr. Norion found liquid below my right lung, off to the left of my left ovary, and in the middle of my lower abdomen. He said that he wanted to drain the liquid the next day in Pasadena. I had hyper stimulation. The nurses took some blood for blood work and urine for a urine test. Dr. Norion prescribed me an anti-nausea medication, and I was sent home.

I had originally planned on only being out from work on Monday, but because of everything that had been going on (I couldn't even stand up straight!), I decided to take the week off. My amazing sub, wonderful colleague, and A+ mom helped make it all work. I couldn't have done it without them!

Yesterday, Wednesday, at 3:45 a.m., Brad and I drove to Pasadena (yes, I typed 3:45 A.M.!). Due to the early time, we didn't have any traffic and made it right on time. I felt every bump in the road and on the freeway and winced with pain as we went over each one. I was told to fast for 8 hours prior to the procedure just in case they needed to use anesthesia. When we got there, the same nurse took me into the pre-op room and gave me the same instructions for changing into the gown. I was put into the same surgery room and set up in the same way. Yep! Two IV's in one week...that's a record for me :) I bled much more with this IV, and honestly, my positivity meter was running a little low. I found out that the actual IV that is put into the skin is made of plastic. The needle doesn't stay in. That made me feel better about moving my hand. In the past when I've had IV's, I wouldn't move my hand and I would baby it for fear that the needle would poke through my skin or something. Once I found out that it was a piece of plastic (yes, the thought of BPA popped into my head for a second), I felt better. I was strapped in again. This time, my feet were also strapped into the stirrups (that was a little uncomfortable).

Dr. Norion came in and did an internal ultra sound. Without going into too many details, all the stuff that followed the ultra sound (needles, numbing medication through needles down yonder, hardware, cleaning solution, tubes, etc.) were all used next to get rid of some of the liquid that had been collecting in parts of my body. Dr. Norion collected about 500 ccs (1 liter) of liquid. He wasn't able to get it all because my ovaries were still extremely large and swollen. The procedure, called TAP, was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. I don't know about anyone else, but I normally like to know when the most painful part of something will be over. I knew that the most painful part of the egg retrieval would be the IV. But with this TAP, I never knew what was the most painful thing or part. It was one painful thing after another. I cried, I cussed, I bucked up from pain and was glad I was restrained, and I kicked a nurse (although I'm not too sure how since my feet were strapped in). If I don't hear, "You'll feel a little pressure," again from another doctor, I'd be a happy camper. I know my doctor did a wonderful job, but quite honestly, if I ever do that procedure again, I will speak up and request that I am put under anesthesia for it. It was bad - maybe even a little traumatic.

When I was moved out into the recovery room, I was sobbing uncontrollably. It was part because of the pain and part because of relief that the procedure was finally over. Brad came back and I cried even more. He was really concerned. I calmed down after a short bit, and Dr. Norion came into check on me. He said that my urine test from yesterday was fine, but one of the blood work tests came back low. He wanted me to have some fluid put in via my IV. I think there were three bags total, but I'm not positive of the number. I also got pain medication and anti-nausea medication via my IV. Dr. Norion said that the procedure wasn't normally so painful, but my ovaries were moving around a lot pushing on the tools he was using to remove the liquid from my abdomen. I had some crackers and water, and then was cleared to go. Oh, Dr. Norion prescribed me an additional antibiotic because of something that came back on my blood test. I trust everything he tells me to do, but I honestly don't always remember the details of what he says. I just take what he says to take and do what he says to do. I wasn't wheeled out of HRC this time (I think because I wasn't under anesthesia for the procedure). Brad drove me home and I fell asleep.

Today, Thursday, I feel better and am not in nearly as much pain as I was in the last couple of days, but I'm still bloated. I apologize for too much information, but I struggled with really bad constipation this morning because of all the pain meds and everything adding up. That part was really bad, too! Brad has been the best nurse! He's made all my meals and waited on me. I'm glad this recovery time won't be as long as the one from back in 2010 when I had my big knee surgery. I am not as helpless this time as I was back in 2010 (he had to give me baths and get me dressed, too).

Tomorrow, we will find out how many eggs made it to the final stage. They may want to observe them until Sunday, but we'll get a call tomorrow for sure. I'm hoping that I continue to feel better with each passing day and that my pregnant like belly goes down by Monday. Today is quite honestly the first day that I've had enough energy to type about my experience. I am not ready for teaching yet, but I will be by Monday (as long as I don't have to go potty every hour).

This journey has once again taught me that all I can do is live in the moment. I can plan for tomorrow, but I don't know what the actual plan for me is. I know that my life is unfolding perfectly and that the universe has a plan for me, but I don't know the plan until the day of. Things haven't gone as I planned, but they have gone as they were planned for me. I was meant to have these experiences (regardless of if I feel ready or not). I must admit that my positive outlook was challenged this last week. I had periods of weakness and suffering. I had periods of tears and pity.  I had periods of thinking old thoughts like, "Why can't I get pregnant naturally instead of "having" to do it this way?" but that's okay. I can feel and think those things as long as they don't consume me. The experiences of IVF will not break me, but they will make me stronger. I am stronger today than I was yesterday, and I will continue to get stronger (at least that's my affirmation anyway ;).