I had a plan that I put together back when I was in high school that included a timeline of when I thought important events would happen in my life. The first would be a teaching job right after I graduated (check). The second would be marriage by the time I was 23 (check) and the third would be becoming a mom by the time I was 25 (no check). Two out of the three events happened, along with many other unplanned events. Fast forward to to present day - I am 32 - I am still teaching and married, but the whole starting a family thing hasn't panned out like it has for so many people I know. I am a dog mom to two adorable "dog-ters", but that wasn't the mom I was referring to when I created my timeline. Brad and I have been actively trying to get pregnant since July 2011. We took some time off here and there, but it has always been in the back of my mind.
Not getting pregnant led me in the direction of clean eating, clean living, mental health, new friendships, and a disconnection from social media. I wanted to prepare my body for pregnancy, so I learned all that I could about healthy eating, which turned into a hobby/passion of mine. I loaded up on raw whole milk, organic produce, free-range eggs, free-range meat, and threw away anything that was in a 100 calorie pack or that said fat-free. I ventured into juicing, making almond milk, sprouting nuts, reading labels on everything I bought, etc. Eating clean, made me want to live clean, so I slowly changed out our pots, pans, plates, cups, toothpaste, deodorant, etc. All of the changes I made were good, and are now still very much a part of my life, but the root of starting it all was to try and get pregnant. I decided to stop Facebook and Instagram years ago, too, because seeing all the baby posts wasn't good for me mentally. I am well aware that I have an internal clock that is ticking, and seeing all the baby posts only made that ticking noise louder. I was and am so very happy for all the people that have babies/children, but seeing that daily, wasn't helping me think positively about my own journey.
Brad and I made our first appointment to see an infertility specialist through Kaiser back in December 2015. Making the initial appointment was emotional for me, more emotional than I had planned. I had tried for years to survive off the thought that it would happen when it was meant to, and that it would happen naturally. Finally taking that first step towards treatment, exposed all those wounds I had been trying to cover up. I had numbed myself about babies. I went through transitions of how I thought and spoke throughout the passing years. Long gone were the days of me saying, "When we have kids," or, "When I'm pregnant," etc. Those sayings were slowly replaced with, "If we have kids," and were then finally replaced with no comments at all. I didn't allow myself to think about having kids because it only brought on sadness and fear. I could no longer be disappointed or sad about not having kids if I didn't let myself think about that option in the first place. I avoided the topic completely.
Deciding to see a specialist was part of my due diligence. I had and have a deep feeling inside of me that tells me I'm supposed to be a mom. I tried so very hard to ignore the feeling, but as time passed, I realized that if I hadn't decided to see a specialist, I wouldn't have been able to feel like I had done all that I could to become a mom to something other than a fur baby. And yes, I am a teacher and consider my students to be near and dear to my heart, like my fur babies, but they are not my own and that yearning to be a mom is still very much present.
Going to Kaiser for our appointment was an experience. The first thing I noticed was that the infertility department was on the same floor as OBGYN and it shared the same waiting room. There were pregnant women and babies all around. It didn't make any sense to me, and caused me to cry unexpectedly. The best comparison I can think of is having a liquor store right next to the location of an AA meeting, and the two sharing a parking lot and register/check-in desk. Why Kaiser did that, I will never know.
Meeting with our doctor, I couldn't help but feel like she was reading from a script. I shared a little about our journey with her, which made me feel vulnerable and exposed, and then she jumped right into telling us statistics about different fertility treatments. Fertility treatments were foreign to me, and because of the clean eating that I had become passionate about, all the fertility drugs scared me. She ordered tests for us and then wanted to meet again to go over them. I'll share about the tests and results in my next post.
This has been a long journey and in some ways, it is just the beginning...
Monday, February 20, 2017
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
The Power of Words
I am a literacy teacher for twelve 1st graders and an alternative core intervention teacher for thirty-six 4th and 5th graders, all of whom have been labeled as "Below Grade Level" in Language Arts. Because of their seemingly negative label, many of my students have low self-esteem and don't see themselves the way I see them. One of my goals this year was/is to help change their perception of themselves, to help them see how wonderfully perfect they truly are. It seems the Universe is helping me with my goal this year, introducing me to things that have helped me along the way, encouraging me continue with my endeavor.
I started off the school year by teaching them about affirmations and the power of words. I learned about affirmations from Louise Hays and from some dear friends of mine (you know who you are :)). Positive affirmations have helped me in so many ways. I had my students write an affirmation about themselves on a sentence strip. I taught them how you can speak words into existence. If you don't feel smart, say, "I am smart." If you don't feel important, say, "I am important." I'll never forget my student who wrote, "I am tall," because he felt short and wanted to be tall :) All the sentence strips are posted in our classroom.
Our daily positive student affirmations:
"I am smart."
"I am important."
"I am kind."
"I am special."
After my students recite their daily positive student affirmations, I always say, "yes, you are," regardless of anything that happens that day in our class (i.e. a handful of poor choices, students not returning their Home Education, a bumpy/rough lesson, etc.). No grudges. Nothing is personal. Many of my students have requested to add on additional affirmations like, "I am awesome," and "I am amazing," which I encourage. There hasn't been a single school day where my students haven't said their affirmations...they won't let me forget. It warms my heart to have a student raise their hand and remind me that they didn't say their positive affirmations. It also warms my heart to listen/see my students share their affirmations with other students who don't attend our class.
I recently told my students that whenever I learned something new that I wish I would have known when I was in elementary school, I would share it with them. They loved that idea :) So when I learned that "hurt people hurt people," and "cooperation is the goal; not competition," from a class I attended (thank you K & T), I couldn't wait to share it with my students. They soaked up positive affirmations, so I felt confident they were ready for some additional uplifting, life changing words. And it didn't hurt that it went along with our Language Arts theme "Bullies Beware" perfectly! I started by writing "hurt people hurt people" on the white board and asking my students what they thought that meant. That was an interesting conversation :). I told them that it meant people who were hurting, hurt other people because they didn't know any better. They were hurting and wanted to make other people feel the same way, so they didn't feel so alone. We talked about how bullies are hurting people...they are hurting inside and don't know what to do. They are doing the best they can with what they know.
I continued by telling my students that bullies are not born mean. They are hurting inside and they need compassion. Many of my students gave me examples of how they had been hurt in the past, and together we identified how that individual was probably hurting inside. Once the saying, "hurt people hurt people," was introduced (it's still on our board), we refered back to it whenever there was an incident and we continue to do so. Children are wonderful at application.
Yes, I taught about acceptance of bullies, but I also taught my students how to stick up for themselves. I didn't tell a student to run up to a bully who was being mean and give them a hug, but I did tell them to remind themselves of our saying, "hurt people hurt people," when they are being bullied, as well as, "nothing is personal". We talked about walking away from a bully, telling the bully to stop saying what they are saying because they don't like it, telling an adult, etc. I understand that bullying is a huge problem for students. I shared some of my personal stories with them. I want my students to have a voice, not to be/feel voiceless just because they are children.
Moving onto cooperation, as opposed to, competition...I love this!!! I introduced this concept/idea to my students using Reading Counts lexiles (reading levels), since they had all recently taken their lexile test for the end of the 2nd trimester. I told them that competition regarding lexiles would be wanting to do better than their peers. Wanting to score higher, wanting to be better, wanting to be smarter, etc. Competition makes you feel better if you're winning, but it doesn't make you feel better if you're losing. Then, I told them that cooperation regarding lexiles would be wanting yourself to succeed, but wanting others to succeed as well, not caring about what their peers' lexiles were. Cooperation makes you feel good all the time because you always want everyone to do their best, including you.
In our class, we don't display lexiles, but we do display the lexile growth over the school year. It is not important for my students to know each others lexiles, but it is important for them to help celebrate the lexile growth of their peers and their own personal growth. No competition, just the desire for everyone to succeed. We do a ton of team activities, but competition isn't promoted, only success. We want all teams to succeed to the best of their ability.
Sayings used in our classroom:
"Use caring, compassionate, and kind words."
"Treat other people with care, compassion, and kindness."
"Nothing is personal."
"Focus on the present."
"Hurt people hurt people."
"Cooperation, not competition. We want everyone to do the best they can do."
"Speak it into existence. If you say you can't, then you won't ever be able to. However, if you say you can, you will be able to."
Our classroom is a safe place filled with "feel goods." It is a learning ground for my students to apply what they have learned. There are no grudges on my part, I greet my students with a smile and a "Good morning," every single school day, regardless of what happened the day before. I want them all to be successful and to see themselves as the perfect individuals they are. I am providing them puzzle pieces that have been passed onto me. It's up to them to create their puzzle.
I started off the school year by teaching them about affirmations and the power of words. I learned about affirmations from Louise Hays and from some dear friends of mine (you know who you are :)). Positive affirmations have helped me in so many ways. I had my students write an affirmation about themselves on a sentence strip. I taught them how you can speak words into existence. If you don't feel smart, say, "I am smart." If you don't feel important, say, "I am important." I'll never forget my student who wrote, "I am tall," because he felt short and wanted to be tall :) All the sentence strips are posted in our classroom.
Our daily positive student affirmations:
"I am smart."
"I am important."
"I am kind."
"I am special."
After my students recite their daily positive student affirmations, I always say, "yes, you are," regardless of anything that happens that day in our class (i.e. a handful of poor choices, students not returning their Home Education, a bumpy/rough lesson, etc.). No grudges. Nothing is personal. Many of my students have requested to add on additional affirmations like, "I am awesome," and "I am amazing," which I encourage. There hasn't been a single school day where my students haven't said their affirmations...they won't let me forget. It warms my heart to have a student raise their hand and remind me that they didn't say their positive affirmations. It also warms my heart to listen/see my students share their affirmations with other students who don't attend our class.
I recently told my students that whenever I learned something new that I wish I would have known when I was in elementary school, I would share it with them. They loved that idea :) So when I learned that "hurt people hurt people," and "cooperation is the goal; not competition," from a class I attended (thank you K & T), I couldn't wait to share it with my students. They soaked up positive affirmations, so I felt confident they were ready for some additional uplifting, life changing words. And it didn't hurt that it went along with our Language Arts theme "Bullies Beware" perfectly! I started by writing "hurt people hurt people" on the white board and asking my students what they thought that meant. That was an interesting conversation :). I told them that it meant people who were hurting, hurt other people because they didn't know any better. They were hurting and wanted to make other people feel the same way, so they didn't feel so alone. We talked about how bullies are hurting people...they are hurting inside and don't know what to do. They are doing the best they can with what they know.
I continued by telling my students that bullies are not born mean. They are hurting inside and they need compassion. Many of my students gave me examples of how they had been hurt in the past, and together we identified how that individual was probably hurting inside. Once the saying, "hurt people hurt people," was introduced (it's still on our board), we refered back to it whenever there was an incident and we continue to do so. Children are wonderful at application.
Yes, I taught about acceptance of bullies, but I also taught my students how to stick up for themselves. I didn't tell a student to run up to a bully who was being mean and give them a hug, but I did tell them to remind themselves of our saying, "hurt people hurt people," when they are being bullied, as well as, "nothing is personal". We talked about walking away from a bully, telling the bully to stop saying what they are saying because they don't like it, telling an adult, etc. I understand that bullying is a huge problem for students. I shared some of my personal stories with them. I want my students to have a voice, not to be/feel voiceless just because they are children.
Moving onto cooperation, as opposed to, competition...I love this!!! I introduced this concept/idea to my students using Reading Counts lexiles (reading levels), since they had all recently taken their lexile test for the end of the 2nd trimester. I told them that competition regarding lexiles would be wanting to do better than their peers. Wanting to score higher, wanting to be better, wanting to be smarter, etc. Competition makes you feel better if you're winning, but it doesn't make you feel better if you're losing. Then, I told them that cooperation regarding lexiles would be wanting yourself to succeed, but wanting others to succeed as well, not caring about what their peers' lexiles were. Cooperation makes you feel good all the time because you always want everyone to do their best, including you.
In our class, we don't display lexiles, but we do display the lexile growth over the school year. It is not important for my students to know each others lexiles, but it is important for them to help celebrate the lexile growth of their peers and their own personal growth. No competition, just the desire for everyone to succeed. We do a ton of team activities, but competition isn't promoted, only success. We want all teams to succeed to the best of their ability.
Sayings used in our classroom:
"Use caring, compassionate, and kind words."
"Treat other people with care, compassion, and kindness."
"Nothing is personal."
"Focus on the present."
"Hurt people hurt people."
"Cooperation, not competition. We want everyone to do the best they can do."
"Speak it into existence. If you say you can't, then you won't ever be able to. However, if you say you can, you will be able to."
Our classroom is a safe place filled with "feel goods." It is a learning ground for my students to apply what they have learned. There are no grudges on my part, I greet my students with a smile and a "Good morning," every single school day, regardless of what happened the day before. I want them all to be successful and to see themselves as the perfect individuals they are. I am providing them puzzle pieces that have been passed onto me. It's up to them to create their puzzle.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Steering My Thoughts with My Thought Control Handle
Currently, I am working on challenging each of my thoughts to see if they allign with health or if they are harmful to me. I just finished reading Shift Happens by Robert Holden and he talks a lot about our thoughts. He says that our thoughts are what hurt us. Our thoughts cause us pain. He said that of the 2,000 thoughts per hour that we approximately think, 90 percent of them are fears, judgements, and worries. If this is true, many of my thoughts are harmful to me and don't allign with health. I'd like to think that since I've been working on awareness of self for quite some time now, that my thoughts aren't mostly made up of fears, judgements, and worries, but I know they are. I know because I am aware of my thoughts now, much more than I ever have been. I know that I think negatively, but now I release many of them.
For example, I used to have a nickname of Nervous Ninny. My mom always called me that because, you guessed it, I worried about everything. I was very fear based. I used to worry about sooooo many things...if my dad was late coming home, I thought he was dead; if the house creaked, I thought there was going to be a huge earthquake; if it was 3:00am in the morning and I was awake, I thought something bad was going to happen; if I heard an ambulance siren, I thought one of my family members was dead; if I didn't pray to God, I would be punished; etc. Now, I get some of the same worried thoughts, but I think them through and end up getting to dismiss them. I have realized that they are just thoughts that I learned when I was an innocent child absorbing everything I heard and/or saw. The thoughts that once had control over my life, no longer control me. As I mentioned earlier, the negative thoughts still pop up in my head so I know I've still got work to do because I don't want to think them at all, but I know I'll get there :) I am aware of my tendency to "awfulize" a situation and I am mindful when I am doing it, so I can continually work on changing those thoughts.
Holden lists five things in his book that he says will help create joy and love and it all has to do with thoughts.
1. "Your thoughts are not real. Your thinking is not reality; it is an interpretation of reality. No thought has any more authority than what you give it."
2. "All thoughts are passing thoughts. Thoughts are transient. They are like leaves in the wind. The only thoughts that stay are the ones you hold on to."
3. "You can choose your thoughts. No one else does! You can elect to change any thought. You can also choose whether or not to act on any thought."
4. "Thoughts have no power. Thoughts are literally electrical mental toys that are powered by you. They have no power of their own."
5. "You do not have to take any of your thoughts seriously. The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said, "As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it.""
WOW!!! I have learned many of the ideas/concepts from Kurt and Tracy, but running across this book and these words really proved to me that the Universe will back me up in what I'm currently working on. I'm working on checking out my thoughts and the Universe guided me to Shift Happens, Kurt and Tracy's radio talk this morning, and gave me an experience with a family member that created deep thought.
As Holden said, "thoughts are literally electrical mental toys that are powered by you." I'm taking my thought control handle and steering it towards health and away from pain. Which way is that? I think it's mindfulness, intention, love, and practice. 30,000 hours + ;)
For example, I used to have a nickname of Nervous Ninny. My mom always called me that because, you guessed it, I worried about everything. I was very fear based. I used to worry about sooooo many things...if my dad was late coming home, I thought he was dead; if the house creaked, I thought there was going to be a huge earthquake; if it was 3:00am in the morning and I was awake, I thought something bad was going to happen; if I heard an ambulance siren, I thought one of my family members was dead; if I didn't pray to God, I would be punished; etc. Now, I get some of the same worried thoughts, but I think them through and end up getting to dismiss them. I have realized that they are just thoughts that I learned when I was an innocent child absorbing everything I heard and/or saw. The thoughts that once had control over my life, no longer control me. As I mentioned earlier, the negative thoughts still pop up in my head so I know I've still got work to do because I don't want to think them at all, but I know I'll get there :) I am aware of my tendency to "awfulize" a situation and I am mindful when I am doing it, so I can continually work on changing those thoughts.
Holden lists five things in his book that he says will help create joy and love and it all has to do with thoughts.
1. "Your thoughts are not real. Your thinking is not reality; it is an interpretation of reality. No thought has any more authority than what you give it."
2. "All thoughts are passing thoughts. Thoughts are transient. They are like leaves in the wind. The only thoughts that stay are the ones you hold on to."
3. "You can choose your thoughts. No one else does! You can elect to change any thought. You can also choose whether or not to act on any thought."
4. "Thoughts have no power. Thoughts are literally electrical mental toys that are powered by you. They have no power of their own."
5. "You do not have to take any of your thoughts seriously. The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said, "As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it.""
WOW!!! I have learned many of the ideas/concepts from Kurt and Tracy, but running across this book and these words really proved to me that the Universe will back me up in what I'm currently working on. I'm working on checking out my thoughts and the Universe guided me to Shift Happens, Kurt and Tracy's radio talk this morning, and gave me an experience with a family member that created deep thought.
As Holden said, "thoughts are literally electrical mental toys that are powered by you." I'm taking my thought control handle and steering it towards health and away from pain. Which way is that? I think it's mindfulness, intention, love, and practice. 30,000 hours + ;)
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Autumn Leaves Amaze Me
"Every process involves breaking something up. The earth must be broken to bring forth life. If the seed does not die, there is no plant. Bread results from the death of wheat. Life lives on lives," (Joseph Campbell).
Ever since I was given this quote last month (thanks Tracy <3), it's been with me. I hung it up on my fridge this weekend, along with a handy dandy flow chart from Kurt, and have looked at it quite frequently and have thought about it's meaning, especially, "life lives on lives." Wow...
With the quote still in my head, Brad and I drove up to Oak Glen this morning. I love, love, love the colorful Autumn leaves! Their beauty is breathtaking to me. I love the green leaves, but there's something about the yellow and red Autumn leaves that warms my heart. As I was staring out the window, I asked Brad why the leaves changed colors in Autumn (I guess I wasn't paying attention in class when they were talking about that)...I knew he'd know :) He said something about the sunlight not getting to the leaves, which killed them. I thought about that and decided that I would Google it when I got home.
As we started a wonderful walk in Oak Glen, I couldn't help but notice the leaves covering the path we were on...some brown, some yellow, some green, some orange, some red...we were walking on dying/dead leaves, but I knew that they had served their purpose in that life of theirs, so I didn't get too sad.
Once we got home, I started Google-ing and found out some wonderful information, all the while, watching the leaves fall off of the trees in my backyard. From my understanding, leaves take the sunlight and carbon dioxide and turn them into sugar for the trees...the trees food. In return, the trees give the leaves water...their food. Trees store extra sugar during summer, because they know that the days will get shorter in the fall and winter, which will mean less food to them. Once fall begins and the days get shorter, the trees begin to block-off the leaves water access. The trees know that the leaves will not be able to produce enough food for them, so they no longer need the leaves. Once the water is blocked from the leaves, the leaves die. The fallen leaves that cover the ground continue helping nature. They serve as food for small organisms and help capture the rainfall.
Wow..."life lives on lives,"...the leaves live to keep the trees alive and then the organisms live on the dead leaves. They give everything knowing that they will live a short life, a glorious short life, but a short life none the less. Thank you leaves. You are beautiful when you are young and you are beautiful when you are old. You are beautiful when you are born and you are beautiful when you die. "Life lives on lives."
Ever since I was given this quote last month (thanks Tracy <3), it's been with me. I hung it up on my fridge this weekend, along with a handy dandy flow chart from Kurt, and have looked at it quite frequently and have thought about it's meaning, especially, "life lives on lives." Wow...
With the quote still in my head, Brad and I drove up to Oak Glen this morning. I love, love, love the colorful Autumn leaves! Their beauty is breathtaking to me. I love the green leaves, but there's something about the yellow and red Autumn leaves that warms my heart. As I was staring out the window, I asked Brad why the leaves changed colors in Autumn (I guess I wasn't paying attention in class when they were talking about that)...I knew he'd know :) He said something about the sunlight not getting to the leaves, which killed them. I thought about that and decided that I would Google it when I got home.
As we started a wonderful walk in Oak Glen, I couldn't help but notice the leaves covering the path we were on...some brown, some yellow, some green, some orange, some red...we were walking on dying/dead leaves, but I knew that they had served their purpose in that life of theirs, so I didn't get too sad.
Once we got home, I started Google-ing and found out some wonderful information, all the while, watching the leaves fall off of the trees in my backyard. From my understanding, leaves take the sunlight and carbon dioxide and turn them into sugar for the trees...the trees food. In return, the trees give the leaves water...their food. Trees store extra sugar during summer, because they know that the days will get shorter in the fall and winter, which will mean less food to them. Once fall begins and the days get shorter, the trees begin to block-off the leaves water access. The trees know that the leaves will not be able to produce enough food for them, so they no longer need the leaves. Once the water is blocked from the leaves, the leaves die. The fallen leaves that cover the ground continue helping nature. They serve as food for small organisms and help capture the rainfall.
Wow..."life lives on lives,"...the leaves live to keep the trees alive and then the organisms live on the dead leaves. They give everything knowing that they will live a short life, a glorious short life, but a short life none the less. Thank you leaves. You are beautiful when you are young and you are beautiful when you are old. You are beautiful when you are born and you are beautiful when you die. "Life lives on lives."
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Love, LOve, LOVe, LOVE!!!!
Just having returned from my trip to Arizona
This new outlook seems simple, but I hadn't been viewing things this way. Sure, I had been loving the things that I had already looked at with love (that was easy), but I wasn't loving the things that I was annoyed with, upset with, disgusted with, etc.
My body LOVES the feeling of love :) When I feel love towards things (all things), my body is relaxed and I feel like I have more energy. When I don't feel love towards things, my body is tense and I feel like all the energy has been sucked out of me. Those last few sentences make me think of my last Friday in school. I was really struggling with some of my students' behaviors. In response to their behaviors, I let them make me tense, uptight, irritable, negative, crabby, etc. I left Friday afternoon feeling completely drained (and mad). Of course I knew that my mood was my fault, but I wasn't sure what to do. Today, some of my students had the same behaviors, but when they acted out the behaviors, I looked at them with love and didn't allow myself to get upset. I talked to them about their behaviors, carried out their consequence (loss of behavior stick), and went on with my day. I even looked at them with love (the kind of love I have for my puppy dogs when they make poor choices - i.e. eating things they shouldn't) as they handed me their behavior stick. In return, those students stopped those behaviors and my mood wasn't affected (either way, it would have been all good). I was still nice and happy to all my students. None of my non-poor choice behaving students had to deal with a crabby teacher who was crabby because of something they didn't even do ;)
Since this whole looking-at-things-that-I-don't-normally-feel-love-towards-with-love thing is new to me, I know the Universe is going to present me with some wonderful lessons! Oh yes, here come the spiders, changes at work, booger picking, etc. I will make a conscious effort to love all things...to feel love towards all things. It is natural for me to love. I intend to love all things and I will pay attention to make sure that I do.
This new outlook seems simple, but I hadn't been viewing things this way. Sure, I had been loving the things that I had already looked at with love (that was easy), but I wasn't loving the things that I was annoyed with, upset with, disgusted with, etc.
My body LOVES the feeling of love :) When I feel love towards things (all things), my body is relaxed and I feel like I have more energy. When I don't feel love towards things, my body is tense and I feel like all the energy has been sucked out of me. Those last few sentences make me think of my last Friday in school. I was really struggling with some of my students' behaviors. In response to their behaviors, I let them make me tense, uptight, irritable, negative, crabby, etc. I left Friday afternoon feeling completely drained (and mad). Of course I knew that my mood was my fault, but I wasn't sure what to do. Today, some of my students had the same behaviors, but when they acted out the behaviors, I looked at them with love and didn't allow myself to get upset. I talked to them about their behaviors, carried out their consequence (loss of behavior stick), and went on with my day. I even looked at them with love (the kind of love I have for my puppy dogs when they make poor choices - i.e. eating things they shouldn't) as they handed me their behavior stick. In return, those students stopped those behaviors and my mood wasn't affected (either way, it would have been all good). I was still nice and happy to all my students. None of my non-poor choice behaving students had to deal with a crabby teacher who was crabby because of something they didn't even do ;)
Since this whole looking-at-things-that-I-don't-normally-feel-love-towards-with-love thing is new to me, I know the Universe is going to present me with some wonderful lessons! Oh yes, here come the spiders, changes at work, booger picking, etc. I will make a conscious effort to love all things...to feel love towards all things. It is natural for me to love. I intend to love all things and I will pay attention to make sure that I do.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Labels Are Just Labels.
Labels, labels, labels. They are all over the place. I hear them on t.v., I see them in magazines, I hear them come out of strangers and loved ones mouth's, I read them in the newspaper, I see them on the internet, etc. "The flu is going around." "This new diet really works!" "If you do this, this will happen." "If you don't do this, this will happen." To me, labels are like soup can labels...they wrap me up and tell me what I will get once I've opened my mind up to them, but why do I have to get what the labels tell me? Don't I have a choice? Yes! I do!
Just yesterday, I learned that I have an infection that Ineed get to take an antibiotic for over the next ten days (I am blessed, blessed, blessed to have the antibiotic readily available to me AND to have insurance that covers it). When I picked up the prescription, there were four pages of possible side effects (labels galore). I read them all, but as I read them, I started getting a little scared, okay, really scared about what the pages were saying. I let the labels get to me. I got so scared, that I didn't take my antibiotic last night. I didn't want to experience this, and experience that, like the pages said I would. For some reason, I allowed the side effects to pour into my head and take over me.
I started thinking about why I had this infection and what it was going to teach me. I knew I was pretty good at not letting labels get to me (or so I thought), so I didn't think that was my lesson. Maybe the infection was teaching me to listen to my body more...maybe it was teaching me to speak up when I questioned something. Thinking more, I realized that there were many lessons for me to learn and that labels was definitely one of them. How could I say that I was good at not letting labels get to me, when I was freaking out about the side effects?
I took my first dose this morning. As I swallowed the pill, I thought to myself, "I am not subject to the side effects of this antibiotic. This antibiotic will help me." I made it through the day without labeling the side effect I was scared of the most...almost as if I erased the actual side effect from my mind. I just took my second dose a few minutes ago and I said my favorite, favorite, favorite saying from Dr. Hawkins..."I cancel any belief in (side effects from my antibiotic). I'm subject only to that which I hold in mind. I am an infinite being, and in truth, I am not subject to that. And that is a fact."
That saying has helped me out a lot!! I actually wrote it on paper, framed it, and hung it up in my bathroom. I have it well memorized now, but seeing it hanging on the wall helps remind me to be conscious and aware of those labels bouncing around in the Universe, as well as, helps me focus on the present. I have lessons to learn from this experience. Some, I have already learned, but there are still others, I'm sure. I am present. I am listening. I am ready.
Just yesterday, I learned that I have an infection that I
I started thinking about why I had this infection and what it was going to teach me. I knew I was pretty good at not letting labels get to me (or so I thought), so I didn't think that was my lesson. Maybe the infection was teaching me to listen to my body more...maybe it was teaching me to speak up when I questioned something. Thinking more, I realized that there were many lessons for me to learn and that labels was definitely one of them. How could I say that I was good at not letting labels get to me, when I was freaking out about the side effects?
I took my first dose this morning. As I swallowed the pill, I thought to myself, "I am not subject to the side effects of this antibiotic. This antibiotic will help me." I made it through the day without labeling the side effect I was scared of the most...almost as if I erased the actual side effect from my mind. I just took my second dose a few minutes ago and I said my favorite, favorite, favorite saying from Dr. Hawkins..."I cancel any belief in (side effects from my antibiotic). I'm subject only to that which I hold in mind. I am an infinite being, and in truth, I am not subject to that. And that is a fact."
That saying has helped me out a lot!! I actually wrote it on paper, framed it, and hung it up in my bathroom. I have it well memorized now, but seeing it hanging on the wall helps remind me to be conscious and aware of those labels bouncing around in the Universe, as well as, helps me focus on the present. I have lessons to learn from this experience. Some, I have already learned, but there are still others, I'm sure. I am present. I am listening. I am ready.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Facing Suffering with Tongs
Suffering and I are working on accepting eachother. Suffering wants me to face it when it presents itself to me and I want to ignore all suffering and act as if it never existed. I don't mind my personal suffering all that much, but I do mind when other people/living things suffer. Just seeing one of my dogs hold up their paw because she's in pain from getting a sticker caught in it sends me running from my dog, not to her, because it hurts me too much to see her in pain. Well, that's not working for me any longer and I'm ready to face suffering. Tonglen is my key.
Tonglen is what I've been using, quite frequently in fact, as a way to face suffering head on. When I first heard of tonglen, I thought of tongs (yes, the tongs used for cooking) and lend, as in lending a hand to someone. Once I found out what tonglen was, I started thinking of it as using tongs to offer my help to someone who was suffering either right next to me or from afar, where I wouldn't actually touch someone since I was using tongs. The things that my mind thinks of...
Anyway, tonglen is a method of breathing in someone's suffering (they can be right next to me or far away) and breathing out remedies for that suffering. For example, while I was walking outside, I noticed a woman on her cell phone crying. My heart hurt for her and I wanted to help, so I breathed in her pain. I thought to myself as I was breathing, I take in your pain and suffering, and then I breathed out, thinking, I replace your pain and suffering with resolution and peace. I don't know what she was crying about, but I felt that my positive thoughts would give her a little bit of positive energy to help her in her time of need.
I just finished reading When Things Falls Apart by Pema Chodron, and found out that I can use tonglen for a group of people. For example, I recently had a dear family friend pass away from cancer and I used tonglen for her entire family, even though I didn't know all of them. Death had always been a form of suffering that I tried to hide from. Instead of hiding from it this time, I breathed in thinking, I take in your pain, sadness, confusion, sorrow, and loss and I breathed out thinking, I give you peace, happiness from the memories you shared with her, and resolution. I envisioned my release of breath and thoughts going to every single one of her family members embracing them with a hug and giving them strength. Each and every thought is powerful.
In addition to using tonglen on a group of people, I also learned that I can use it for pain that I am suffering, and apply it to a group of people that may be experiencing the same thing. For example, I have six screws and a plate in my left knee from an accident that I had last year. It started hurting me yesterday, so I breathed in thinking, I take in my pain, frustration, and sadness for myself and for anybody else who may be experiencing the same thing, and I breathed out thinking, I replace it all with peace, understanding, and acceptance. My pain stopped and I was more accepting of the changes that I made to my life because of my left knee.
Tonglen has helped me face other people's suffering, instead of, running away from it. I don't look the other way at suffering any longer and I don't try to think of something else so I don't have to be exposed to their suffering. I use it when I watch the news, when I drive past a homeless man on the side of the freeway off ramp (I used to actually look away from the homeless people I saw, but now I use tonglen and actually look at them - I make eye contact with them), when I talk to someone who is suffering, etc. I even use tonglen to help build my compassion for people that I struggle getting along with. There are plenty of opportunities for me to apply tonglen and I am grateful to know about it. A couple years ago, I would have thought to myself, man, on man, I wish I would have known about this sooner, but now, when I learn about new concepts/ideas, I think to myself that I am grateful that I was ready to learn about this new thing. I believe that the Universe presents me with things that I'm ready to learn when I'm ready to learn them. I was ready to learn about tonglen. I wonder what I'm going to learn about next?
Tonglen is what I've been using, quite frequently in fact, as a way to face suffering head on. When I first heard of tonglen, I thought of tongs (yes, the tongs used for cooking) and lend, as in lending a hand to someone. Once I found out what tonglen was, I started thinking of it as using tongs to offer my help to someone who was suffering either right next to me or from afar, where I wouldn't actually touch someone since I was using tongs. The things that my mind thinks of...
Anyway, tonglen is a method of breathing in someone's suffering (they can be right next to me or far away) and breathing out remedies for that suffering. For example, while I was walking outside, I noticed a woman on her cell phone crying. My heart hurt for her and I wanted to help, so I breathed in her pain. I thought to myself as I was breathing, I take in your pain and suffering, and then I breathed out, thinking, I replace your pain and suffering with resolution and peace. I don't know what she was crying about, but I felt that my positive thoughts would give her a little bit of positive energy to help her in her time of need.
I just finished reading When Things Falls Apart by Pema Chodron, and found out that I can use tonglen for a group of people. For example, I recently had a dear family friend pass away from cancer and I used tonglen for her entire family, even though I didn't know all of them. Death had always been a form of suffering that I tried to hide from. Instead of hiding from it this time, I breathed in thinking, I take in your pain, sadness, confusion, sorrow, and loss and I breathed out thinking, I give you peace, happiness from the memories you shared with her, and resolution. I envisioned my release of breath and thoughts going to every single one of her family members embracing them with a hug and giving them strength. Each and every thought is powerful.
In addition to using tonglen on a group of people, I also learned that I can use it for pain that I am suffering, and apply it to a group of people that may be experiencing the same thing. For example, I have six screws and a plate in my left knee from an accident that I had last year. It started hurting me yesterday, so I breathed in thinking, I take in my pain, frustration, and sadness for myself and for anybody else who may be experiencing the same thing, and I breathed out thinking, I replace it all with peace, understanding, and acceptance. My pain stopped and I was more accepting of the changes that I made to my life because of my left knee.
Tonglen has helped me face other people's suffering, instead of, running away from it. I don't look the other way at suffering any longer and I don't try to think of something else so I don't have to be exposed to their suffering. I use it when I watch the news, when I drive past a homeless man on the side of the freeway off ramp (I used to actually look away from the homeless people I saw, but now I use tonglen and actually look at them - I make eye contact with them), when I talk to someone who is suffering, etc. I even use tonglen to help build my compassion for people that I struggle getting along with. There are plenty of opportunities for me to apply tonglen and I am grateful to know about it. A couple years ago, I would have thought to myself, man, on man, I wish I would have known about this sooner, but now, when I learn about new concepts/ideas, I think to myself that I am grateful that I was ready to learn about this new thing. I believe that the Universe presents me with things that I'm ready to learn when I'm ready to learn them. I was ready to learn about tonglen. I wonder what I'm going to learn about next?
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