Brad and I had a blood test yesterday that checks our DNA to see if we're carriers of any inherited health conditions. "Think of carrier screening as another routine exam - kind of like an ultrasound for your genes....looks to see if you have irregularities in your genes that could affect your baby's health," (Counsyl). The results of the test can help our doctor figure out which kind of genetic testing we should have done on our embryo after the eggs are harvested. We could have had the test done using our saliva, which is what we had originally planned on, but one of the nurses at HRC said that if there isn't enough DNA in our saliva, they'd have to do the test again. I've been embracing needles lately and looked at this blood draw as yet another opportunity to lean into whatever my body was feeling. The nurse was awesome and I barely felt a thing! I practiced my deep breathing and on controlling my thoughts. I didn't sit down thinking, "this is going to hurt." Instead, I sat down and thought, "I'm going to feel whatever I feel and breathe through it. I have a high tolerance of pain." I used to hold my breath in anticipation of the pain, and then when I felt the pain, I'd try to avoid it and not think about it, which never helped. Now that I breathe and lean into the feeling of the needle and not try to avoid anything, the pain goes away. I'll have plenty of opportunities to continually practice this during my injections.
Now that we have chosen to move forward with IVF, I'm more open to the other science that comes along with it. I'm open to the carrier screening (obviously) and I'm open to the genetic testing. I figure since we're turning to science to help us on our infertility journey, that I might as well take advantage of all of it. Oh, except for the knowing if we're going to have a girl or boy part. Brad and I both agree that we don't want to pick between implanting a boy or a girl...we just want the healthiest one being implanted. Some people choose to do the genetic testing because it allows you to know the gender, but our doctor said that we can choose not to know that even if we do the testing. Personally, I would love a boy or a girl, and right now at this point in my life, I'm not comfortable with picking an embryo based on the gender. Brad feels the same way, but I honestly think he'd be okay with knowing the gender, he's just being supportive of me.
Brad has been nothing but supportive throughout this IVF process. Since I process new information by talking or writing, Brad has heard so many of the inner debates that go on inside my head (as well as my mom and therapist). I have the stay away from medicine and go as natural as possible side and then I have the might as well take advantage of all the modern medicine side (and I almost forgot the save money side). The sides butt heads and Brad ever so patiently listens to me process them. He's honestly supportive of whichever route I choose to go with, and I can't thank him enough for that. He doesn't cause me unneeded stress and quite honestly, the only disagreements we've had throughout our IVF journey so far is about our different views on nutrition. He helps ground me. I'm so grateful for him!
So now we are waiting for the results of our carrier screening and some additional blood work. Sometimes I can't believe that we are in the midst of IVF. We have talked about it for years, and it has always been our last resort. Now that we're here, it feels like we are nearing the end of a six year journey of trying to get pregnant. IVF is the last thing to try as far as modern medicine goes. I'm not sure where this path is going to lead us...towards becoming parents of a child we gave birth to, towards becoming parents of an adopted child, towards peace and acceptance of not having any children...I don't know. But I don't have to know. For now, I'm going to enjoy the ride and live in the moment. I'm going to feel the emotions, I'm going to feel the medication, I'm going to feel the procedures, I'm going to feel the anticipation, I'm going to feel it all. And I'm going to try my very best to not have any attachments to the outcome and trust that we're being lead to where we're meant to go.
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Am I Strong Enough?
Sometimes I wonder if one of the reasons I haven't gotten pregnant is because I'm not strong enough emotionally. Before losing my dearly beloved golden retriever, Brandy, last year, I often thought about if I'd be able to handle it when Brandy and Bailey passed away. I thought about how they were like my children, only in dog form, because I took care of them in a motherly way. I fed them, bathed them, thought (worried) about them, nurtured them, loved them, talked to them, made sure I gave them the attention they needed, etc. As they started getting older, I would think about how my life might be different without them, and those thoughts always brought me to tears. I couldn't bare the thought of losing either one of them. They were my buddies.
When the time came for Brandy to leave last year, it was as bad as I had thought, but there were things I learned from her loss that I hadn't anticipated. When Brandy was diagnosed with cancer last summer, I wouldn't leave her side. All I wanted to do was to be with her every last second. Of course, we took her to a specialist and they offered us an exploratory surgery option, but knowing my Brandy, that would have put her under too much stress. She hated being away from us, and hated vets even more. She would have had to stay in the hospital for about a week to "recover". I still vividly remember how much it hurt having her be taken into the back room of the vet's office while we spoke with the vet about her different options. All I wanted to do was to hold her in my arms and never let go. I wanted to console her and tell her everything would be okay, and that I would always love her. When they brought her back to us, she ran to me and I cried as I hugged her. Brad and I both knew that exploratory surgery wasn't what she'd want, so we took her home and monitored her quality of life. I remember thinking that giving humans the choice to end a life was cruel - how would we really know when the time had come to have someone put her to sleep? What if it was too early? What if she would miraculously recover?
My therapist told me that dogs will hang on longer than they should for their owners. Even if they are ready to pass away, they will hang on a little longer. I remember telling Brandy that I didn't want her to stay for me, and that I'd be okay, but I didn't really believe I'd be okay. I remember telling her that she could leave when she was ready and to show us signs. A couple days later, she stopped eating. I had been making her chicken, rice, and eggs - all of her favorite foods. When she turned away those things, and wouldn't get up, we knew that was her form of communication saying she was ready.
My therapist also told me about a mobile vet service that would come to your house and put your dog to sleep for you. I couldn't bare the thought of taking her to the vet, and not being able to hold her as she took her very last breath. The mobile vet idea aligned with Brad and I. Brad called the vet and they came to our house that same evening. When they arrived, they explained that they would sedate her and then put her to sleep. Brad and I were able to console Brandy, which meant the world to me, and Bailey was able to be with us, too, which helped her. To this day, she has never once looked for Brandy. She knew that was the last time she'd see her in this life time. I remember sobbing into Brandy's fur, squeezing her so tightly, whispering consoling things into her ear. I also remember hoping that the tears I shed on her would miraculously heal her and that she'd get up and be her usual self.
After she had passed, the vet service took her away, with her doggy bed, blanket, and favorite stuffed Eeyore. They were going to cremate her with Eeyore. Brad took care of the paying part, etc., because I was a wreck! I went outside in our backyard and threw the tennis ball to Bailey. Then, Brad came back inside and we took Bailey for a walk. That was my first animal loss. I had lost family pets, but Brandy was my own dog. I didn't know how to mourn her loss, so I did what I do best - I talked. I talked about things I'd miss about Brandy. I talked about how special of a soul she was. I talked about how much we loved how Brandy would run down the hallway to get a stuffed animal and bring it back to us when we walked in the house each time. I talked about how Brandy used to make a "hungry dog" noise (that's what we called it anyway) when she was waiting for us to put her food dish down for her. I talked about how Brandy loved to sunbathe under the pine trees in our backyard, and about how cute she was when she chewed on the pinecones holding them ever so gently with her adorable paws. I talked about how Brandy's snoring always brought me comfort. I talked about how Brandy was always there for me when I was at my lowest points - on those days each month when I started my period (instead of getting pregnant). I talked about how she was there for me from the very beginning of our infertility journey, and about how she used to let me hold her and cry into her fur never moving until I was done, which was normally after I had soaked her fur with my tears. I talked about how Brandy used to "flea bite" her stuffed animals and make cute grunting noises. I talked about how she loved all food, especially fruits and vegetables, and about how she could hear the sound of a banana being cracked open from anywhere in the house. I talked about how she'd be fast asleep in our bedroom, and then suddenly wake up when Brad was opening a banana for his breakfast and run down the hall into the kitchen expecting a piece of banana. I talked about how she used to love being groomed by Brad and I and would lay upside for hours while we brushed her. I talked about how she had the cutest butt hairs, how she had swag when she walked, and about how she always found water in a gutter or shade to walk through on our daily walks. I talked about how she would let me dress her up. I talked about how she was a part of our daily routine, and that I loved everything about her. I talked about what it would be like without her. When we got back home from the walk, the house seemed sad. I didn't want to be in it anymore. I could no longer say, "girls", and I no longer heard Brandy's footsteps coming down the hall. I no longer heard her snoring next to me. I no longer could stare into her eyes and wonder what she was thinking. I could no longer be in our living room and feel comfort because I would always look at the spot in the living room where she had been put to sleep.
The next day, I fell apart. I cried for about a good week, and when I wasn't crying, I was on the verge of tears. Brad was so supportive during that time, and he never once rushed my mourning process. He was sad, too, of course, but it took me longer to get back to reality. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to do anything. Losing Brandy broke me. Brandy took a piece of my heart. What lessons did I get out of the experience? Well, I learned that life does go on, and that everyday does get better. I learned that I am stronger than I had thought because losing Brandy didn't kill me. I learned that loved ones that have passed away are always with you in your thoughts and heart. I learned to be grateful for the time that I get with Bailey and our new dog, Betty. I learned that my heart could expand and love a new dog without replacing the love that I have for Brandy. I learned that worrying about Brandy passing away before the time came didn't benefit my life in any way - in fact, it stole some of the time that I actually had with her. Instead of focusing on the moment while I had her in my life, I was worried and fearful of the future. What does that have to do with me not getting pregnant? Sometimes I think about how much love I had/have for Brandy, and she was only a dog (not a human that I had given birth to). Is it possible to love something even more and to see them get sick, to see them get hurt, and to see them suffer and it not break me? Am I strong enough emotionally to experience what being a mom of a human entails? Seeing things suffer causes me internal pain, as if I was experiencing the pain right along with them. Will I be in pain when my child is, and if so, will I be strong enough to handle that pain or will I break?
Learning what I have learned from Brandy, I choose to focus on the present moment. Worrying about if I'm strong enough doesn't benefit me because I will never truly know until that moment gets here. Worrying about anything takes away from the present moment. I am robbing myself of something sacred - the present. I am strong. I am strong. I am strong.
Saturday, March 18, 2017
A New Way of Thinking about the Word "Perfect"
Growing up, I always strived to be perfect. I set the bar high for myself and wasn't happy unless I met it. My "bar" regarding my image was one that brought me more suffering than any other. I had an image of how I wanted to look. I wanted perfect, flawless skin. I wanted the perfect movie star body. I wanted the perfect hair; every strand in place. Those wants and visions turned into what I strived for, and when I didn't have flawless skin or wasn't happy with my body, I felt less than and not good enough. I wasn't "perfect" so I couldn't be happy.
My skin was my greatest challenge, and it is still something I consciously work on daily. It never looked the way I wanted it to, and it haunted me. It was an inner struggle that I allowed to control much of my life. I couldn't help but notice everyone's skin as I walked around. I thought things like, "Why am I the only one with bad skin?" "What did I do to deserve this?" It affected how I interacted with people. I didn't like to make eye contact with people because I was worried that I'd catch them looking at one of my blemishes. I often wished for cloudy days because sunny days seemed to put me in the spotlight when I all I really wanted was to not be seen.
It wasn't until I learned that I could control my thoughts, that things started changing. I chose to not see myself as imperfect any longer. I chose to say affirmations like, "My skin is flawless." "I easily make eye contact with people." "I am comfortable in my skin." I chose to not let my skin define me. I chose to not care what people thought about my appearance. I chose to see myself as perfect the way I was and to be kind to myself.
Today, my face is by no means flawless, but it no longer controls my life. I no longer will put whatever I can on my face to clear it up, like harmful, drying chemicals. I choose to put things on my skin that I feel good about and to nourish my skin. Over the last couple of years, my skin has really changed (for the better), and I think it's because I don't look at my skin with hatred anymore. I look at it lovingly and take care of it instead. I am not my skin. I worked hard to overcome my perfectionism regarding my physical appearance, and when I notice perfectionist thoughts coming up, I challenge them. Negative thoughts don't benefit me.
Earlier today, I was thinking about perfectionism and the journey I've had with my face, and I made the connection that my perfectionism has come back again, but it has shown up in my infertility journey. I have made a ton of growth these last couple of years and no longer ask things like, "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?" (the same types of questions I asked when I was struggling with my skin), but I am still struggling with perfectionism. I was able to catch the languaging like the questions I just mentioned, and challenge those thoughts, but there are other perfectionism behaviors that I am finding.
Perfectionism and food: I label foods as "good" and "bad", especially for fertility. I want to eat and take in the best ingredients so that I can get pregnant (and so that I can be healthy - but primarily so I can get pregnant). I say that I believe in moderation, but in terms of food, that has been more of a challenge for me. I have a difficult time enjoying something that's not organic or something that has artificial ingredients in it. I think I'm trying to eat "perfectly", but it is causing me anxiety. It's taking away my ability to enjoy all food. When looking at healthy, clean eating from a wholeness viewpoint, eating well benefits me. It helps my body feel better. It gives me more energy. It is a hobby that I get much enjoyment out of, and I'm quite passionate about it. It benefits the greater good because I'm not supporting farmers that inject their animals with growth hormones and antibiotics, etc. However, when I allow food to cause me anxiety, that no longer benefits me. I have been mindfully working on this the last couple of weeks, but I didn't make the connection to perfectionism until today. Now that I'm aware that's what I was/am doing, I can start to challenge my thoughts. I am not going to change the way I eat at home because that's food I buy from the grocery store and/or farmer's markets, rather, I am going to change my thoughts about food when I'm away from home. When I go out to eat or when I go to a party, I'm going to challenge the thoughts that I used to allow. I'm going to let myself off the hook and let myself eat something that doesn't necessarily align with the type of food I buy and make at home. I'm going to enjoy it and not feel bad about it.
Perfectionism and conception: I created the perfect image in my head of how I'd get pregnant the natural way. Not in my wildest dreams did I think I'd need to get outside help. Well, now that we are by moving forward with IVF, I have had thoughts come up like, "I am not getting pregnant the preferred or "perfect" way." I didn't really notice those thoughts, they were subconscious ones that were giving me a bad feeling about IVF. The thoughts made me feel like I failed at getting pregnant the "perfect" way and they made me feel less-than. Now that I've identified that those thoughts are there lingering, causing me pain and feelings of inadequacy, it's time to challenge them. Brad and I are going to conceive the perfect way for us. Every couple is unique and different. There's so much that impacts fertility. Although I've heard many stories about IVF (and other methods of conception), no story is 100% the same. Each story is perfect, though. There's no one perfect way...they're all perfect ways.
Perfectionism has the tendency to sneak up on me. It is something for me to be mindful of. I truly believe that we are all perfect the way we are. If "perfect" is one way of something, and everyone became that form of "perfect", then we'd all look the same and have the same stories. My old definition of "perfect" went away from uniqueness and authenticity, all of which are things that I value. Huh...I guess there's no "perfect" to strive for because everyone's path is the perfect path for them. And as my favorite saying goes, it's all unfolding PERFECTLY!
My skin was my greatest challenge, and it is still something I consciously work on daily. It never looked the way I wanted it to, and it haunted me. It was an inner struggle that I allowed to control much of my life. I couldn't help but notice everyone's skin as I walked around. I thought things like, "Why am I the only one with bad skin?" "What did I do to deserve this?" It affected how I interacted with people. I didn't like to make eye contact with people because I was worried that I'd catch them looking at one of my blemishes. I often wished for cloudy days because sunny days seemed to put me in the spotlight when I all I really wanted was to not be seen.
It wasn't until I learned that I could control my thoughts, that things started changing. I chose to not see myself as imperfect any longer. I chose to say affirmations like, "My skin is flawless." "I easily make eye contact with people." "I am comfortable in my skin." I chose to not let my skin define me. I chose to not care what people thought about my appearance. I chose to see myself as perfect the way I was and to be kind to myself.
Today, my face is by no means flawless, but it no longer controls my life. I no longer will put whatever I can on my face to clear it up, like harmful, drying chemicals. I choose to put things on my skin that I feel good about and to nourish my skin. Over the last couple of years, my skin has really changed (for the better), and I think it's because I don't look at my skin with hatred anymore. I look at it lovingly and take care of it instead. I am not my skin. I worked hard to overcome my perfectionism regarding my physical appearance, and when I notice perfectionist thoughts coming up, I challenge them. Negative thoughts don't benefit me.
Earlier today, I was thinking about perfectionism and the journey I've had with my face, and I made the connection that my perfectionism has come back again, but it has shown up in my infertility journey. I have made a ton of growth these last couple of years and no longer ask things like, "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?" (the same types of questions I asked when I was struggling with my skin), but I am still struggling with perfectionism. I was able to catch the languaging like the questions I just mentioned, and challenge those thoughts, but there are other perfectionism behaviors that I am finding.
Perfectionism and food: I label foods as "good" and "bad", especially for fertility. I want to eat and take in the best ingredients so that I can get pregnant (and so that I can be healthy - but primarily so I can get pregnant). I say that I believe in moderation, but in terms of food, that has been more of a challenge for me. I have a difficult time enjoying something that's not organic or something that has artificial ingredients in it. I think I'm trying to eat "perfectly", but it is causing me anxiety. It's taking away my ability to enjoy all food. When looking at healthy, clean eating from a wholeness viewpoint, eating well benefits me. It helps my body feel better. It gives me more energy. It is a hobby that I get much enjoyment out of, and I'm quite passionate about it. It benefits the greater good because I'm not supporting farmers that inject their animals with growth hormones and antibiotics, etc. However, when I allow food to cause me anxiety, that no longer benefits me. I have been mindfully working on this the last couple of weeks, but I didn't make the connection to perfectionism until today. Now that I'm aware that's what I was/am doing, I can start to challenge my thoughts. I am not going to change the way I eat at home because that's food I buy from the grocery store and/or farmer's markets, rather, I am going to change my thoughts about food when I'm away from home. When I go out to eat or when I go to a party, I'm going to challenge the thoughts that I used to allow. I'm going to let myself off the hook and let myself eat something that doesn't necessarily align with the type of food I buy and make at home. I'm going to enjoy it and not feel bad about it.
Perfectionism and conception: I created the perfect image in my head of how I'd get pregnant the natural way. Not in my wildest dreams did I think I'd need to get outside help. Well, now that we are by moving forward with IVF, I have had thoughts come up like, "I am not getting pregnant the preferred or "perfect" way." I didn't really notice those thoughts, they were subconscious ones that were giving me a bad feeling about IVF. The thoughts made me feel like I failed at getting pregnant the "perfect" way and they made me feel less-than. Now that I've identified that those thoughts are there lingering, causing me pain and feelings of inadequacy, it's time to challenge them. Brad and I are going to conceive the perfect way for us. Every couple is unique and different. There's so much that impacts fertility. Although I've heard many stories about IVF (and other methods of conception), no story is 100% the same. Each story is perfect, though. There's no one perfect way...they're all perfect ways.
Perfectionism has the tendency to sneak up on me. It is something for me to be mindful of. I truly believe that we are all perfect the way we are. If "perfect" is one way of something, and everyone became that form of "perfect", then we'd all look the same and have the same stories. My old definition of "perfect" went away from uniqueness and authenticity, all of which are things that I value. Huh...I guess there's no "perfect" to strive for because everyone's path is the perfect path for them. And as my favorite saying goes, it's all unfolding PERFECTLY!
Friday, March 17, 2017
SHG and Mock Transer - IVF
I had my SHG and mock transfer this morning. At the first appointment, I was told that I'd have to go on birth control before the procedure to time when I should come in, but then the nurse said that I didn't have to be on it if my schedule was flexible. Since I am off for Spring Break this week and the following, I told her that I was flexible. I was able to do my blood work this week and the SHG - no birth control (or sub) needed. The nurse had suggested that I take an advil or two before the procedure, but I decided not to. Primarily because I don't prefer to take medication, and because I don't like to cover up the pain of something. I want to experience what my body is going through, and I like applying deep breathing and positive thoughts to help cope with the pain/feelings. I know that I will take medication for the IVF, but I have chosen to embrace that and not let it bother me. I barely felt the mock transfer, and I had mild cramping for a couple seconds during the SHG. No biggie. Our doctor showed me that both of my ovaries had around 15 follicles on them, proving more that I am on the PCOS spectrum. He said that we are favorable candidates for IVF.
After the procedure, we went into his office and I got to ask him my list of questions. Specifically, I was interested in if we should have genetic testing done on the embryo or not. At our consultation, he said that it was highly recommended for women in their late thirties and older. Since I am in my early thirties, he didn't say that I needed to do it. We didn't discuss the details of it further at that time because I didn't ask for more information about it. However, after doing some of my own research, I had some specific questions about genetic testing. Our doctor said that my chances of success with IVF would increase from 50-60% to 65-75% with the genetic testing. From my understanding of what I read online and gathered from our doctor, miscarriages can be caused by a chromosomal deformity. The genetic testing looks for those deformities and ensures that we don't implant any embryo with those deformities, thus increasing our chances of not having a miscarriage, thus increasing our success rate. I also read online that genetic testing is good for people that have a failed attempt at their first IVF. However, testing the embryo after they've been frozen isn't an option (it needs to be done fresh), so we wouldn't be able to test after a failed attempt unless we harvested eggs again. A lot to think about. One more thing about genetic testing is that we would only transfer one embryo as opposed to two without testing. Our doctor said that we could do a saliva test that is a carrier screening test, and then we could use those results to see what type of genetic testing to do. We are going to do the carrier screening. Our doctor also said that women with PCOS are good candidates for genetic testing because they generally produce more eggs at the time of retrieval, so there are more eggs to pick from. Genetic testing will help pick the healthiest eggs and then we can freeze the rest.
After asking our questions, we met with one of the head nurses. We went over calendar times for the egg retrieval and then for the embryo transfer. We are going to do a frozen transfer, so the IVF process will take us about two months.
Leaving the office today, I felt extremely positive and hopeful. Our doctor is such a kind, caring, and compassionate guy! He's authentic and doesn't make me feel rushed. And most importantly, he doesn't make me feel like I'm weird for all my "strange" questions and abnormal diet (the more healthy fats, the better!). He doesn't judge, and I am drawn to people like that.
It is a strange combination - modern medicine and holistic living. I am a firm believer in all things in moderation, so I'm choosing to look at IVF as a moderate use of modern medicine. I've tried the natural route, and am still working on that as far as chakras, positive affirmations, meditation, acupuncture, therapy, etc. go, and with this combination, I feel like I will be a mama this year. I deleted that last sentence a time or two because I am so used to saying, "if I get pregnant," but in order for the Universe to know that I'm serious about this mama stuff, I'm going to expose my heart and speak words like affirmations - I'm going to speak it into existence (if it benefits the greater good :)). I'm doing my due diligence and the rest will unfold as it is meant to do.
After the procedure, we went into his office and I got to ask him my list of questions. Specifically, I was interested in if we should have genetic testing done on the embryo or not. At our consultation, he said that it was highly recommended for women in their late thirties and older. Since I am in my early thirties, he didn't say that I needed to do it. We didn't discuss the details of it further at that time because I didn't ask for more information about it. However, after doing some of my own research, I had some specific questions about genetic testing. Our doctor said that my chances of success with IVF would increase from 50-60% to 65-75% with the genetic testing. From my understanding of what I read online and gathered from our doctor, miscarriages can be caused by a chromosomal deformity. The genetic testing looks for those deformities and ensures that we don't implant any embryo with those deformities, thus increasing our chances of not having a miscarriage, thus increasing our success rate. I also read online that genetic testing is good for people that have a failed attempt at their first IVF. However, testing the embryo after they've been frozen isn't an option (it needs to be done fresh), so we wouldn't be able to test after a failed attempt unless we harvested eggs again. A lot to think about. One more thing about genetic testing is that we would only transfer one embryo as opposed to two without testing. Our doctor said that we could do a saliva test that is a carrier screening test, and then we could use those results to see what type of genetic testing to do. We are going to do the carrier screening. Our doctor also said that women with PCOS are good candidates for genetic testing because they generally produce more eggs at the time of retrieval, so there are more eggs to pick from. Genetic testing will help pick the healthiest eggs and then we can freeze the rest.
After asking our questions, we met with one of the head nurses. We went over calendar times for the egg retrieval and then for the embryo transfer. We are going to do a frozen transfer, so the IVF process will take us about two months.
Leaving the office today, I felt extremely positive and hopeful. Our doctor is such a kind, caring, and compassionate guy! He's authentic and doesn't make me feel rushed. And most importantly, he doesn't make me feel like I'm weird for all my "strange" questions and abnormal diet (the more healthy fats, the better!). He doesn't judge, and I am drawn to people like that.
It is a strange combination - modern medicine and holistic living. I am a firm believer in all things in moderation, so I'm choosing to look at IVF as a moderate use of modern medicine. I've tried the natural route, and am still working on that as far as chakras, positive affirmations, meditation, acupuncture, therapy, etc. go, and with this combination, I feel like I will be a mama this year. I deleted that last sentence a time or two because I am so used to saying, "if I get pregnant," but in order for the Universe to know that I'm serious about this mama stuff, I'm going to expose my heart and speak words like affirmations - I'm going to speak it into existence (if it benefits the greater good :)). I'm doing my due diligence and the rest will unfold as it is meant to do.
Sunday, March 12, 2017
The Energetic Fertility Method - IVF
My sister in law sent me a book yesterday called The Energetic Fertility Method: Tools for a Healthy Conception and Beyond by Nancy Mae. Although my sister in law and I live many miles away, she is well aware of my infertility journey. She truly gets my limited edition-ness and loves me unconditionally. She said that she thought of me as soon as she heard about Nancy Mae and then she discovered her book and sent it to me the very next day.
I have recently noticed that things in my life seem to be aligning like two puzzle pieces coming together and fitting perfectly. I mentioned signs in my last post, and I feel like this book is another sign. It is a gentle message from the Universe (sent via my sister in law) guiding me towards what I seek. I started reading the book last night and teared up as I read it. I knew that this book came at the perfect time. I then read two chapters in the car this morning to my husband as we drove to Cafe Gratitude for Sunday brunch. Nancy Mae, the author, started by sharing her personal fertility story, which put into words some of the feelings I've experienced but did not know how to verbalize. I felt myself wanting to highlight every other sentence in her book because everything was so well said.
When I read Mae's words, "No matter where the path of infertility takes you, in the strangest way, it's always an invitation to extraordinary growth," (p. xiii) something inside of me shifted. "If you look at the word infertile with all of its letters - I N F E R T I L E - you'll find many other words inside, including R E F I N E. Infertility is an invitation to an inner transformation, a journey of personal growth. It's not about something being wrong or not working. It's about refinement," (Mae, p. xiv). Yes, this path/journey of infertility has lead me to so many new places. It first started me on the path towards clean and conscious eating, and then lead me to a level of soul searching that I don't think I would have explored otherwise. I had already started going to therapy prior to my infertility journey to discover more about myself, but I don't think I would have explored as deeply as I did and am doing without infertility. Infertility has pushed me to go deeper - to go deeper in my marriage, to go deeper in my mind, to go deeper in my body, and to go deeper in my spirit.
Although I am only on page fifty-one of Mae's book, I have already started challenging and refining my views about infertility. Instead of trying to fix something (i.e. infertility), maybe I can use infertility to help make myself whole. Through my therapy sessions, I have overcome many struggles that I felt had played a role in my infertility (i.e. self-esteem, paying off karmic debt, learning how to communicate my thoughts and feelings, temperaments, etc.). Really, everything I have consciously worked on has helped me overcome infertility. I'm not there yet, but maybe its not something for me to "overcome".
Mae wrote, "Wherever you are in your life, I invite you to see infertility as a perfectly natural and normal process. You have not done anything wrong. Wholeness is your birthright. You now have the opportunity to start loving yourself completely so that, if and when you become pregnant, you can pass on this vital life skill to your child. To love ourselves is perhaps the only way we will ever become complete. The key is this: by remaining neutral in the process - letting go of the outcome of bearing a child and shifting our intention to become whole - we can create miracles," (p.8).
I honestly feel like infertility has become part of my identity. It consumes many of my thoughts and is often times the main topic of conversation between my husband, my counselor, my family, and my friends. It has become a problem I want to fix, and now that I have accepted the fact that I'll more than likely need modern medicine to help us get pregnant, I research IVF, genetic testing, etc. often. But after reading Mae's words, I feel like maybe infertility doesn't have to be my identity, rather, an experience that is leading me towards wholeness. I am still pursuing IVF, but I'm going to consciously and mindfully get back to working on my self again, and not just for trying to get pregnant. I'm going to try out Mae's suggestions and am going to experiment with chakras and energy. This is going to be fun (and deep)!
I have recently noticed that things in my life seem to be aligning like two puzzle pieces coming together and fitting perfectly. I mentioned signs in my last post, and I feel like this book is another sign. It is a gentle message from the Universe (sent via my sister in law) guiding me towards what I seek. I started reading the book last night and teared up as I read it. I knew that this book came at the perfect time. I then read two chapters in the car this morning to my husband as we drove to Cafe Gratitude for Sunday brunch. Nancy Mae, the author, started by sharing her personal fertility story, which put into words some of the feelings I've experienced but did not know how to verbalize. I felt myself wanting to highlight every other sentence in her book because everything was so well said.
When I read Mae's words, "No matter where the path of infertility takes you, in the strangest way, it's always an invitation to extraordinary growth," (p. xiii) something inside of me shifted. "If you look at the word infertile with all of its letters - I N F E R T I L E - you'll find many other words inside, including R E F I N E. Infertility is an invitation to an inner transformation, a journey of personal growth. It's not about something being wrong or not working. It's about refinement," (Mae, p. xiv). Yes, this path/journey of infertility has lead me to so many new places. It first started me on the path towards clean and conscious eating, and then lead me to a level of soul searching that I don't think I would have explored otherwise. I had already started going to therapy prior to my infertility journey to discover more about myself, but I don't think I would have explored as deeply as I did and am doing without infertility. Infertility has pushed me to go deeper - to go deeper in my marriage, to go deeper in my mind, to go deeper in my body, and to go deeper in my spirit.
Although I am only on page fifty-one of Mae's book, I have already started challenging and refining my views about infertility. Instead of trying to fix something (i.e. infertility), maybe I can use infertility to help make myself whole. Through my therapy sessions, I have overcome many struggles that I felt had played a role in my infertility (i.e. self-esteem, paying off karmic debt, learning how to communicate my thoughts and feelings, temperaments, etc.). Really, everything I have consciously worked on has helped me overcome infertility. I'm not there yet, but maybe its not something for me to "overcome".
Mae wrote, "Wherever you are in your life, I invite you to see infertility as a perfectly natural and normal process. You have not done anything wrong. Wholeness is your birthright. You now have the opportunity to start loving yourself completely so that, if and when you become pregnant, you can pass on this vital life skill to your child. To love ourselves is perhaps the only way we will ever become complete. The key is this: by remaining neutral in the process - letting go of the outcome of bearing a child and shifting our intention to become whole - we can create miracles," (p.8).
I honestly feel like infertility has become part of my identity. It consumes many of my thoughts and is often times the main topic of conversation between my husband, my counselor, my family, and my friends. It has become a problem I want to fix, and now that I have accepted the fact that I'll more than likely need modern medicine to help us get pregnant, I research IVF, genetic testing, etc. often. But after reading Mae's words, I feel like maybe infertility doesn't have to be my identity, rather, an experience that is leading me towards wholeness. I am still pursuing IVF, but I'm going to consciously and mindfully get back to working on my self again, and not just for trying to get pregnant. I'm going to try out Mae's suggestions and am going to experiment with chakras and energy. This is going to be fun (and deep)!
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
An Unplanned Journey - 3 - IVF
We found out that Kaiser doesn't cover IVF. It was all a bit misleading because I was told that my insurance covers 50% of infertility treatments, but when it came time to ask about IVF, the most expensive infertility treatment, I was told that IVF was the only thing not covered. I think they should have told me that from the get go. Maybe something like, "Your insurance covers 50% of infertility treatments, excluding IVF." Yes, that would have been nice, but in the big picture, it doesn't really matter. All of the experiences I've had up to this point have led me to exactly where I was meant to be. It is all unfolding perfectly.
We ended up not ever meeting with our infertility doctor at Kaiser to talk about IVF. Instead, due to many signs from the Universe, like people coming across our path unexpectedly that had similar experiences or that had heard of the place we ended up choosing,we were led to HRC in Rancho Cucamonga. We had our first consultation visit with Dr. Norion, the doctor at HRC Rancho, yesterday. He was exactly as people had described to me - caring, compassionate, kind, intelligent, and a bit quirky. I fell in love with him the first minute I met him, and I knew right away that I had come to a place that was the perfect fit for Brad and I.
Let me back up - before I even met Dr. Norion, I had wonderful experiences with HRC. The ladies I spoke with on the phone were authentically caring and nice. The email that I received regarding my first consultation was detailed and it said something comforting - "HRC Fertility loves children. However, the presence of children can be very difficult for those struggling with infertility. Please try to make child care arrangements before bringing your children to appointments." Wow! How considerate of people going through infertility! When we got to HRC for our appointment, the ladies were just as nice in person as they were on the phone. I didn't have to knock on a door and cross my fingers that someone would let me in, like I had to with infertility department at Kaiser. I simply walked in and they were expecting Brad and I! The lady at the front said that they had just received our medical records from Kaiser that morning - another sign (to me, at least). After filling out paperwork, which was no biggie at all, a nurse called me back to take my blood pressure and heart rate. She had to redo my heart rate because my pulse was really high - I was a little nervous - not nervous in a bad way - nervous in a this-new-journey-is-about-to-really-happen way. Then, someone came out and gave us a folder of information. The first page included a quote that gave me chills, "Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen." That was the only thing on the page. I had just bought a framed quote from Home Goods two weeks prior that had spoken to me...guess what the quote was? Yes, it was the same quote!
After all that, Dr. Norion came out to the lobby to greet Brad and I and to bring us back to his office. Wow! The doctor came out to get us?!?! He walked us back to his office and we spilled our guts to him. I tried to include every detail. I was actually calmer than I had expected. At the first consultation with Kaiser, I remember crying as I told the infertility doctor about our struggle. With Dr. Norion, I felt calm and collected. I felt like he was a long lost friend that really cared about our journey. When he spoke, it didn't sound like a script, although I know that it was. How could it not be? But I didn't feel like it was, and that's what mattered.
Dr. Norion had already taken the time to review our medical records sent over from Kaiser before we had met with him. He asked me if anyone has every mentioned PCOS to me before. I shook my head no. After doing an ultrasound with him, he confirmed that he thought I was borderline PCOS and had more follicles than normal on one of my ovaries. Since I didn't have any of the other symptoms of PCOS (irregular ovulation and/or period, etc.), it wasn't something that had been suggested. Interesting!
Back in his office, Dr. Norion said we could try a medicated IUI, but that IVF would have a higher percent of success. Brad and I had already discussed before seeing Dr. Norion, that we'd do whatever he thought was best. Therefore, that means we're going to do IVF. No more IUIs. No more Kaiser.
We then met with a lady that explained the lab work and tests that I'd need to complete before moving forward with IVF. We ended our consult talking about the cost of IVF.
There sure is a lot to IVF, but I honestly feel like Brad and I are going to have a wonderful experience doing it. Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen, right??
We ended up not ever meeting with our infertility doctor at Kaiser to talk about IVF. Instead, due to many signs from the Universe, like people coming across our path unexpectedly that had similar experiences or that had heard of the place we ended up choosing,we were led to HRC in Rancho Cucamonga. We had our first consultation visit with Dr. Norion, the doctor at HRC Rancho, yesterday. He was exactly as people had described to me - caring, compassionate, kind, intelligent, and a bit quirky. I fell in love with him the first minute I met him, and I knew right away that I had come to a place that was the perfect fit for Brad and I.
Let me back up - before I even met Dr. Norion, I had wonderful experiences with HRC. The ladies I spoke with on the phone were authentically caring and nice. The email that I received regarding my first consultation was detailed and it said something comforting - "HRC Fertility loves children. However, the presence of children can be very difficult for those struggling with infertility. Please try to make child care arrangements before bringing your children to appointments." Wow! How considerate of people going through infertility! When we got to HRC for our appointment, the ladies were just as nice in person as they were on the phone. I didn't have to knock on a door and cross my fingers that someone would let me in, like I had to with infertility department at Kaiser. I simply walked in and they were expecting Brad and I! The lady at the front said that they had just received our medical records from Kaiser that morning - another sign (to me, at least). After filling out paperwork, which was no biggie at all, a nurse called me back to take my blood pressure and heart rate. She had to redo my heart rate because my pulse was really high - I was a little nervous - not nervous in a bad way - nervous in a this-new-journey-is-about-to-really-happen way. Then, someone came out and gave us a folder of information. The first page included a quote that gave me chills, "Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen." That was the only thing on the page. I had just bought a framed quote from Home Goods two weeks prior that had spoken to me...guess what the quote was? Yes, it was the same quote!
After all that, Dr. Norion came out to the lobby to greet Brad and I and to bring us back to his office. Wow! The doctor came out to get us?!?! He walked us back to his office and we spilled our guts to him. I tried to include every detail. I was actually calmer than I had expected. At the first consultation with Kaiser, I remember crying as I told the infertility doctor about our struggle. With Dr. Norion, I felt calm and collected. I felt like he was a long lost friend that really cared about our journey. When he spoke, it didn't sound like a script, although I know that it was. How could it not be? But I didn't feel like it was, and that's what mattered.
Dr. Norion had already taken the time to review our medical records sent over from Kaiser before we had met with him. He asked me if anyone has every mentioned PCOS to me before. I shook my head no. After doing an ultrasound with him, he confirmed that he thought I was borderline PCOS and had more follicles than normal on one of my ovaries. Since I didn't have any of the other symptoms of PCOS (irregular ovulation and/or period, etc.), it wasn't something that had been suggested. Interesting!
Back in his office, Dr. Norion said we could try a medicated IUI, but that IVF would have a higher percent of success. Brad and I had already discussed before seeing Dr. Norion, that we'd do whatever he thought was best. Therefore, that means we're going to do IVF. No more IUIs. No more Kaiser.
We then met with a lady that explained the lab work and tests that I'd need to complete before moving forward with IVF. We ended our consult talking about the cost of IVF.
There sure is a lot to IVF, but I honestly feel like Brad and I are going to have a wonderful experience doing it. Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen, right??
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
This Rocks My World! - Food
Do you remember those emails and Facebook posts asking people to list their favorite item from each specified category? What's your favorite food? Favorite drink? Favorite movie? Favorite saying? etc. Well, those were always hard for me because I used and use the word "favorite" for so many things in my life! I don't have just one favorite food or just one favorite movie. I have so many favorites and my "favorites" are like a revolving door - constantly changing with each passing day. Honestly, I normally describe whatever I'm into at the present moment as something that is my new favorite. For example, if I try a new recipe, it normally becomes my new favorite recipe. If I hear a new song, it normally becomes my new favorite song. If I buy a new shirt, it normally becomes my new favorite shirt. Do you get the picture? Well, my new favorite afternoon snack is young coconut juice straight out of a coconut. I can hardly wait to come home and cut open a coconut and drink up the yumminess inside of it!
I had my first fresh young coconut from a restaurant. I couldn't believe how wonderful the coconut water/juice tasted! It was refreshing, sweet, and so perfectly perfect! And as a plus - I got to eat the coconut flesh after I finished the juice because it came cut open. Yummy!
I found some young coconuts at the grocery store I go to, and I tried to open them up with a hammer at home. It was a mess! After talking to a dear, dear friend of mine (we seem to always be into the same thing at the same time!), she told me that you can cut the bottom off the coconut and find a soft spot to easily poke through. Game changer!!! I tried it out (see below picture) and I've had two-four coconuts every week since then. To be honest, the first couple of times trying to find the soft spot, I ended up spraying myself in the face with the juice because of the force I was using to jab at the coconut (my dogs loved the clean up duty in the kitchen though), but I ended up getting the hang of it. I use my glass straw to poke through the soft spot, and after drinking the juice, I take the coconut outside and hammer it, so I can get the meat. I must admit that I enjoy taking a hammer to the coconut - it sure is rewarding once I break through the shell! Sometimes, I make coconut milk by draining the juice, scraping out the meat, and blending the juice, meat, and water in the blender. Homemade coconut milk is my favorite!
I had my first fresh young coconut from a restaurant. I couldn't believe how wonderful the coconut water/juice tasted! It was refreshing, sweet, and so perfectly perfect! And as a plus - I got to eat the coconut flesh after I finished the juice because it came cut open. Yummy!
I found some young coconuts at the grocery store I go to, and I tried to open them up with a hammer at home. It was a mess! After talking to a dear, dear friend of mine (we seem to always be into the same thing at the same time!), she told me that you can cut the bottom off the coconut and find a soft spot to easily poke through. Game changer!!! I tried it out (see below picture) and I've had two-four coconuts every week since then. To be honest, the first couple of times trying to find the soft spot, I ended up spraying myself in the face with the juice because of the force I was using to jab at the coconut (my dogs loved the clean up duty in the kitchen though), but I ended up getting the hang of it. I use my glass straw to poke through the soft spot, and after drinking the juice, I take the coconut outside and hammer it, so I can get the meat. I must admit that I enjoy taking a hammer to the coconut - it sure is rewarding once I break through the shell! Sometimes, I make coconut milk by draining the juice, scraping out the meat, and blending the juice, meat, and water in the blender. Homemade coconut milk is my favorite!
An Unplanned Journey Continued - IVF
Starting where I left off in my last post about infertility, our infertility specialist wanted Brad and I to have tests done. Based on the tests that Brad and I took (blood work for both of us, HSG for me, and sperm test for Brad), we were labeled with unexplained infertility in January 2016. There wasn't a clear cause of our infertility, which left us with more questions than answers. Brad was into Ironman training at the time of our testing, so there was a possibility that the many hours on the bike saddle was not helping us get pregnant, but there was no way to know for sure. Our doctor said that we could try IUI or IVF. She said that we should go with IVF if we wanted a baby tomorrow or go with IUI if we were okay with being patient. Because of my journey of clean eating and being mindful of the things I was taking in, we decided to try a natural IUI. We also decided to try taking a regimen of vitamins that were specifically geared towards helping with fertility (a more holistic approach). Brad and I weren't in any rush to try out IVF. We wanted the most natural form of help we could get. In fact, Brad wasn't open to IVF at the time, and I wasn't 100% set on it. It went against everything I felt I stood for. I was and am so passionate about health. I rarely take medication, and always search for a holistic route first. IVF involves a ton of medication. We also felt torn about wether or not we were pushing for a child that maybe wasn't something that was meant for us. If it wasn't happening naturally, maybe it was a sign that we weren't meant to have children.
A couple months later, we tried our first natural IUI. A natural IUI involves no medication and no ultra sound monitoring upcoming ovulation. Couples are pretty much on their own. On the day of the scheduled IUI (which is determined by an at home ovulation kit), the couple brings in a sperm sample, the sperm is washed, and then a doctor injects the sperm into the female's uterus. This is supposed to cut off about six hours of travel time for the sperm, and increase the chances of getting pregnant. With insurance, a natural IUI is only a couple hundred dollars, as opposed to around $15,000 for IVF.
For our first IUI, I had to keep track of my ovulation using an at home ovulation kit, and call the Infertility Department the first day I got a happy face on one of the sticks. I am extremely regular as far as ovulation goes. There have been months, though, where I have stressed too much or taken an antibiotic (I rarely do that) which caused me to ovulate later than normal. Anyway, keeping track of my ovulation was more stressful than I thought it would be. There is room for human error. For example, I could have peed on the stick in the AM, not received a happy face saying that I was going to ovulate soon, and assumed that I was not going to ovulate until tomorrow. But there was always a chance that if I had peed on the stick an hour or so later that same day, that I would have received a happy face, which could have caused me to go in for an IUI on the wrong day. Needless to say, I peed on way more than one stick per day before that first scheduled IUI. After getting a happy face, I called and made an appointment for an IUI the next day.
I must add a side note about what calling the infertility department entails because it isn't a stress-free thing. First of all, the department is separate from any other department at Kaiser. Although it is on the OBGYN floor, I don't check in at one of the normal check-in counters to pay my co-pay. I have to walk past all the pregnant women and all the new babies until I get to the the infertility department's door. I have to knock on the door and pray that someone answers it. There isn't a receptionist at the front of the department. Now that I've explained that, I can talk about the calling them part. There aren't very many people working in the infertility department, and since they're a unique department, they have unique hours. Their calling hours are 8:30 a.m.-4:30 p.m. on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and 8:30 a.m.-12:30 p.m. on Thursdays (I can literally hear that recording playing in my head as I type this - I've called them too many times to count). I've never been able to get ahold of them during lunch time, so they must be closed during that time, too. Anyway, if I were to get a happy face on my ovulation stick at 1:00 p.m. on Thursday, I'd be out of luck to schedule an IUI for the following day because they close at 12:30 p.m. on Thursdays. I could potentially call that following day (Friday) at 8:30 a.m. and try and get an appointment for that day to have an IUI, but the chances of actually getting one would be slim. Furthermore, if I call on a Friday to schedule an IUI for the next day, which is a Saturday, I'd never be able to call the department if I needed to talk to them on a Saturday or Sunday (they don't answer the phones on the weekends), I'd only be able to go in for my appointment. They do schedule IUIs on Saturdays and Sundays. Here's another catch, if I were to get a happy face on Saturday, I couldn't call that day to schedule an IUI for the following day (a Sunday). All of these things gave me anxiety. I was constantly wondering when I'd ovulate, and then when I would, I'd be worried about actually getting ahold of someone in the department to make an appointment.
Okay, enough about that, I scheduled my first IUI and Brad and I went in. After the sperm was injected, I had to lay on the table for 10 minutes and then I was free to go. For the following two weeks, I thought positive thoughts, didn't do anything to physical, and ate well. Well I didn't get pregnant that time around. We did try another natural IUI and few months later, and that didn't work either. The stress of everything, all of the pieces, was getting to be too much.
Brad and I decided that we wanted to meet with our doctor and talk more about the IVF process. That'll be the topic of my next infertility post.
A couple months later, we tried our first natural IUI. A natural IUI involves no medication and no ultra sound monitoring upcoming ovulation. Couples are pretty much on their own. On the day of the scheduled IUI (which is determined by an at home ovulation kit), the couple brings in a sperm sample, the sperm is washed, and then a doctor injects the sperm into the female's uterus. This is supposed to cut off about six hours of travel time for the sperm, and increase the chances of getting pregnant. With insurance, a natural IUI is only a couple hundred dollars, as opposed to around $15,000 for IVF.
For our first IUI, I had to keep track of my ovulation using an at home ovulation kit, and call the Infertility Department the first day I got a happy face on one of the sticks. I am extremely regular as far as ovulation goes. There have been months, though, where I have stressed too much or taken an antibiotic (I rarely do that) which caused me to ovulate later than normal. Anyway, keeping track of my ovulation was more stressful than I thought it would be. There is room for human error. For example, I could have peed on the stick in the AM, not received a happy face saying that I was going to ovulate soon, and assumed that I was not going to ovulate until tomorrow. But there was always a chance that if I had peed on the stick an hour or so later that same day, that I would have received a happy face, which could have caused me to go in for an IUI on the wrong day. Needless to say, I peed on way more than one stick per day before that first scheduled IUI. After getting a happy face, I called and made an appointment for an IUI the next day.
I must add a side note about what calling the infertility department entails because it isn't a stress-free thing. First of all, the department is separate from any other department at Kaiser. Although it is on the OBGYN floor, I don't check in at one of the normal check-in counters to pay my co-pay. I have to walk past all the pregnant women and all the new babies until I get to the the infertility department's door. I have to knock on the door and pray that someone answers it. There isn't a receptionist at the front of the department. Now that I've explained that, I can talk about the calling them part. There aren't very many people working in the infertility department, and since they're a unique department, they have unique hours. Their calling hours are 8:30 a.m.-4:30 p.m. on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and 8:30 a.m.-12:30 p.m. on Thursdays (I can literally hear that recording playing in my head as I type this - I've called them too many times to count). I've never been able to get ahold of them during lunch time, so they must be closed during that time, too. Anyway, if I were to get a happy face on my ovulation stick at 1:00 p.m. on Thursday, I'd be out of luck to schedule an IUI for the following day because they close at 12:30 p.m. on Thursdays. I could potentially call that following day (Friday) at 8:30 a.m. and try and get an appointment for that day to have an IUI, but the chances of actually getting one would be slim. Furthermore, if I call on a Friday to schedule an IUI for the next day, which is a Saturday, I'd never be able to call the department if I needed to talk to them on a Saturday or Sunday (they don't answer the phones on the weekends), I'd only be able to go in for my appointment. They do schedule IUIs on Saturdays and Sundays. Here's another catch, if I were to get a happy face on Saturday, I couldn't call that day to schedule an IUI for the following day (a Sunday). All of these things gave me anxiety. I was constantly wondering when I'd ovulate, and then when I would, I'd be worried about actually getting ahold of someone in the department to make an appointment.
Okay, enough about that, I scheduled my first IUI and Brad and I went in. After the sperm was injected, I had to lay on the table for 10 minutes and then I was free to go. For the following two weeks, I thought positive thoughts, didn't do anything to physical, and ate well. Well I didn't get pregnant that time around. We did try another natural IUI and few months later, and that didn't work either. The stress of everything, all of the pieces, was getting to be too much.
Brad and I decided that we wanted to meet with our doctor and talk more about the IVF process. That'll be the topic of my next infertility post.
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