Just like many young girls do, I started dream building about being a mom from a very young age. Mothering/nurturing came naturally to me. I enjoyed taking care of my younger brother and cousins (they may say otherwise :)). I enjoyed taking care of our family pets. I enjoyed playing with my Barbies and playing mom and daughter with them. It was never a question in my mind that I wouldn't be a mom when I grew up. It was part of my plan - becoming a teacher, a bride, a wife, and mother. So saying that I've been waiting for Sweet Baby A for over six years isn't completely correct...I've been waiting for her for over thirty.
There's something to be said about dreaming about something (becoming a mom), finding out/mourning the loss of that dream (infertility), and then actually achieving that dream (becoming pregnant after all). I watched my becoming-a-mom dream slowly slip through my fingers as Brad and I tried each month to become pregnant without success. I watched what it did to me. I watched what it did to Brad. And I watched what it did to us as a couple. It ate away at me until I grew numb. Then, we met Dr. Norion, and were finally given a reason for our infertility, and were given hope of achieving our dream after all. What an exciting, nerve-wrecking time that was! Now, I have about two weeks until Sweet Baby A's due date, and all the past pain seems like something that was so long ago.
I can honestly say that there have been some months throughout my third trimester where I haven't thought about IVF. Getting to experience the things that I didn't think I would and had blocked from my mind, like going to breakfast with other moms, talking to other moms about being pregnant and about labor, having a baby shower, buying baby clothes, etc. took up my thoughts and pushed IVF aside. I actually get to do those things now! And don't even get me started on how I feel every time I look in my rear view mirror and see an infant car seat in my car, or how I feel when I hear John Mayer's "Daughters" song on the radio. Things that used to bring me to tears of great sadness and loss, now bring me to tears of overwhelming disbelief, gratitude, and joy. It is hard to believe that not so long ago, I was having daily injections, multiple medical procedures, and frequent trips to an infertility clinic.
It all came back to me last week when I put together a little IVF scrapbook for Baby A including the injection calendars, pictures, and ultrasounds from our time at HRC. I want her to be proud of her creation and to not feel different, rather, to feel special about the process. No, her mom and dad can't tell her a story about how she was created by mom and dad having an intimate night together (that's probably not something that is shared until kids are adults anyway, ha!), but we can tell her a story of two people that were deeply in love that wanted more than anything to have a child, but couldn't without a little help from science. I actually just finished writing Baby A a letter that I'm going to give her when she turns 18, which includes that story. Seeing all of the IVF memorabilia brought back all the feelings I had during that time.
I never thought that I would forget any part/detail of IVF. It was so much a part of my identity and life. It consumed my daily thoughts and was an intimate part of my life and marriage. Now that IVF is over and I'm not having daily injections, I feel like a "normal" pregnant woman. It feels strange to identify with infertility and pregnancy, two polar opposites, though. If I'm not careful or mindful, those infertility thoughts/emotions about things like baby showers and pregnancy announcements can make me wince in pain from remembering what it was like not so long ago. Those feelings of not wanting to go to showers because they were a time of joy for everyone attending, but for me, they were a time of sorrow and pity for myself; those feelings of they got pregnant so fast, while I can't pregnant at all upon the arrival of a pregnancy announcement - they can come back so quickly. In fact, those are the first feelings I automatically feel until I snap back to reality and say that's not my story any more. I will never forget the feelings of infertility, and will always be sensitive to other peoples' stories of infertility. We all have our own stories. No story is exactly the same. I am in awe of the process I have gone through, and will be forever grateful for every experience - my experiences have made me who I am today.
And today, I'm super, super, super excited about things like cloth diapers and how cute Baby A's little booty is going to be in them. I'm excited (and nervous) about laboring at home for as long as possible with Brad and my doula and then delivering at the hospital. I'm excited about feeling all the labor feelings that so many women before me have experienced. I'm excited about seeing Brad look into Sweet Baby A's eyes for the first time. I'm excited about the Golden Hour with Baby A and Brad right after she's born. I'm excited about getting to breast feed. I'm excited about learning how to be a parent with Brad. I'm excited about reading Baby A her first story out of my womb. I'm excited to have Baby A sleeping next to me in the bassinet that Brad made for her. I'm excited about going for walks as a family and getting to wear Baby A. I'm excited about the future. I know that many of the things I'm excited about may not go the exact way I have imagined them, but that's okay. Everything will work out. And as I always say, everything is unfolding perfectly.
And how crazy is it that my first post about our infertility journey was almost exactly one year ago?!? I just not noticed that. It was on 2/20/17 and today is 2/23/18...wow!!!!!!! A lot has happened in one year....
co-sleeper bassinet Brad made 