We are anxiously (very anxiously) waiting for the phone call from HRC. We went into HRC this morning at 8:00 a.m. to have my blood drawn for the pregnancy test. I asked how soon I'd hear back from them with the results, and the nurse said that a company would come and pick up the blood sample around 12 p.m. and take it back to Pasadena's lab to be read. She said to call HRC back at 2:45 p.m. if I haven't heard anything by then because they may be closing early for the Fourth. As I was walking out, someone from HRC asked me if I had cheated (taken an at home pregnancy test) and I told her no. Honestly, at home pregnancy tests and I have a love-hate relationship. I love that they exist, but I hate (a word I rarely use) the results they've always given me. I have purchased way too many tests to count and have even received some as a stocking stuffer from Brad many years ago, and they have all shown me that dreaded sad face or just one line. The only way I'll use an at home pregnancy test on this IVF journey is if I get a positive pregnancy phone call from HRC today (or if HRC forgets to call me today before they close early for the Fourth - ha!).
Today's wait has been almost as mentally challenging as the 14 day wait. As I was getting dressed this morning, I noticed that I could feel my heart racing; the kind of feeling I get right before I speak in front of a bunch of people (like at Back to School Night). I think I have noticed every passing hour today (maybe even every 30 minutes). My heart races every time our home landline rings, which I'm not sure why because HRC doesn't even have that phone number. I have been telling myself to take a deep breath in and think "I breathe in peace" and to exhale and think "I breathe out anxiety", which has been helping, but as the time continues to pass, I find myself getting more and more anxious. I have told myself many things today, trying to prepare myself for whatever we hear on the other end of the phone line today, but the fact of the matter is that if I find out that I'm not pregnant from this first round of IVF, I will be deeply saddened. My heart will break, but I have experienced heart break and I've always recovered from it. Over our last six years of trying to get pregnant, I have experienced so many losses as each month brought my period instead of a happy face on an at home pregnancy test. I should know this feeling well, this feeling of waiting and wondering if I could possibly be pregnant, but this time is different. This time I know that Brad's sperm made it to my egg and that it was successfully fertilized. This time I know that a fertilized embryo is in my uterus, all of which are things I never knew before (and I don't think ever happened before).
These paragraphs are the ones I wrote after my pregnancy results:
I decided to email my nurse at HRC at 2:05 p.m. (just a tad earlier than 2:45 p.m. but can you really blame me??). I told her that my cell phone had bad reception at the house and I wanted to give her our landline number just in case. She ended up calling me five minutes after my email (on the landline). My heart was pumping and I could barely contain my excitement!! I put the phone on speaker so Brad could hear everything. She said that she had just received my pregnancy results and that I was definitely pregnant! I started tearing up. I couldn't believe it! She shared all my hormone numbers and said that they were all on the high side and were very good, but honestly, once she said I was pregnant, I went into a bit of shock. I didn't write down the numbers she was listing nor did I retain them (I may email her tonight). I couldn't stop smiling. She said that the next step is to have blood work done again next Monday to check and make sure that all my hormones are continuing. If they are, then I'll have my first ultra sound in two weeks! Lots of waiting, but I'm okay with that.
I'm so excited that I can get pregnant! That was always a small fear of mine. IVF can only do so much, but now that I know I can, I am over the moon happy! I don't really know how far along I am, since I'm pretty sure that one of my nurses told me that I was going to be two weeks pregnant the day of the transfer because of how far along the embryo was at that point. And if you add two weeks to these last 14 days, I think that would mean I'm around 4 weeks pregnant, which is very, very early. I will continue to take my nightly injections for another 6 weeks if my blood work and ultra sounds have good results, and I'll graduate from seeing my doctor at the end of the 6 weeks. There is a ton that can happen between now and then, but like always, I'm going to try my very best to stay in the moment, and to enjoy this time in my life. This is unlike anything I've experienced before, and I'm going to soak up every minute of it, and not take anything for granted. Oh, I bought an at home pregnancy test at the store and got my two lines (I guess the happy face ones are made anymore??).
Looking back on this past week, my body was showing signs of pregnancy but I didn't give them much thought because I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. In the past, I have created ghost pregnancy symptoms. I'm pretty good at Googling and I think I know every pregnancy symptom that a woman can experience (thanks, to six years of using Google), but the more symptoms I learned about, the more symptoms I "experienced", and the symptoms are all pretty much the same for what you could experience right before you start your period (minus the nausea) anyway. Well, this time around, whenever I felt something (i.e. breast tenderness/soreness, nausea, being tired, etc.), I dismissed it and blamed it on the hormones I was taking. When people asked me how I was feeling, I said good and then thought to myself, "Should I be feeling something?" I was feeling good, but I was also feeling other things. I have felt nauseas (not to the point of throwing up) and super super tired this past week. I think I've taken a nap every day, which I blamed on the extreme heat and the hormones. And my breasts have been really sensitive. So I guess I have been really experiencing pregnancy symptoms! Oh my goodness! How exciting!
Brad was gone last week for work, so my wonderful neighbor (a PA at a hospital - hopefully the same hospital I give birth at since I changed my health insurance and no longer have Kaiser) gave me my nightly injections. She's one busy mama and I'm so grateful that I was able to walk over to her house with my kit in hand (syringes, needles, hormones, step-stool, alcohol swab, mobile heating pad) and have her give me my injections. The last night, I had my friend who recently graduated from nursing school give me my injection. I've struggled asking for people to help me out with my injections because I feel bad for taking people's time. My aunt helped me out the first time I needed someone during egg retrieval time and then my neighbor/friend and friend helped me this time around (all 3 get 5 stars from me :)). I'm so grateful for their time, which I know is so valuable, and for their willingness to help me out!
These past 14 days have been full of emotions. Full of ups and downs. Full of thoughts (good and bad). Full of relaxing and lounging (and sometimes feeling guilty about that). Full of wonderful, supportive texts and phone calls from friends and family (thank you from the bottom of my heart!). Full of gratitude. Full of what-ifs. Full of research (pregnancy vitamins, etc.). And now that day 14 is here and the results are in, I am still a little shocked. I am pregnant! Little 6AA implanted into my embryo and is growing with each passing day. I will continue to do all that I can to stay strong mentally and physically, nourishing my mind, body, and soul. For now, I am a mom (I'm a mom!) and I am full of joy and gratitude for being here in this very moment! Oh, I bought an at home pregnancy test at the store and got my two lines (I guess the happy face ones are made anymore??).
